A Challenge

We all want purpose, but once we fulfill our purpose; what do we do then? Human beings are instilled with this perpetual drive to become self-actualized, but the mere thought of a completion is enough to prevent many of us from succeeding. I think fulfillment should be death. If you truly fall in love and have someone equally love you back, that should be the end. If you save a baby from a burning building, wouldn't it be more justifiable to perish shortly afterward? If you receive the Noble Peace Prize, wouldn't the world rather remember you for your accomplishment rather than the senile shell of a man you will become? Some theologists theorize that heaven will be a personalized environment--an individual utopia. If you like horses, you'll get horses. If you like cities, you'll live in a city. The universe is a vast machine controlled by influences we can't comprehend. It's possible that the universe already knows our individual level of self-achievement. If this is true, the afterlife would be at it's peak if we died at our greatest moment of accomplishment. We would live in a mindset of joy and selflessness.
Perhaps I'm searching for my heaven on earth. Perhaps that's why I fear life more than death. Death would offer utopia, but life, and more specifically the consistency of failures, only prevents me from achieving such a mindset. I tell myself, that if I could just achieve, then I could die without regret. I think this is ultimately why suicide is the unforgivable sin. You would be in such a negative state of mind that your heaven would become hell.
Perhaps I'm searching for beauty within my own mind. Perhaps I would know beauty if I thought myself to be beautiful. Is it possible to love an inanimate object? Is it possible to fall in love with an idea, a place, a thing? We bustle around like forest creatures, searching for mates to "love". Love is a state of mind. It is the only 'emotion' that is merely a compilation of other emotions. There are no physiological effects associated with the idea of love. There ARE physiological effects associated with the emotions that create love. So what is love at first sight? I believe it to be merely an overload of the five basic senses. Let me paint out a scenario for you. You SEE a beautiful women across the room of a pleasure-overwhelmed party. You approach her and SMELL an aesthetic smell that perhaps reminds you of daisies or the apple pie your mother used to bake. Conversation sparks and you are enthralled by the SOUND of her voice. Slowly, the distance closes between you and her. Her skin FEELS like milky seduction against yours. Her lips TASTE like sugar and salt and damp surrender. Five out of five. BAM, you're in love. Of course the ritual of chivalry and steady dating must take place before you're allowed to admit you're in love, but that conversation is for another day. Now, let me ask you this. What if that women, who 99% of the time would've have satisfied your ideal stipulations, hadn't taken a shower, applied lotion, brushed her teeth, or applied any of the other beautifying techniques that originally attracted you to her. Better yet, what if she wouldn't have been there at all? How can love be constant and permanent if someone's mere lack of attendance could destroy it before it began.
So i propose this. People DO for the most part fall in love with ideas and things far more often than they do with another person. Three years into a relationship it will abruptly end because one person will realize they are only in love with the memory of the person they first met. Twenty years into a marriage the couple will remain together, simply because they are in love with the comfortableness or consistency or security of the situation.
Love is not real. And neither is life. And you can run as hard as you want to or remain steadfast like concrete but there's nothing you can do to change these simple truths. And I challenge anyone to prove me wrong. I challenge anyone to prove to me that life and the incidents in it are more than dust and fleeting moments. I beg anyone to tell me that I'm a pessimistic asshole with a black hole for a heart and a monster for a brain. I beg anyone to explain to me how they plan to die not alone.