Are you 18 going on 27? the 11 top characters of a lost gene

Jun 12, 2008

What if your high school self was teleported to being the person you are today? What I mean is, what if your eighteen year old self was forced to wake up and be 26? Would you be bold enough and immature in your new reality or would it be too much? Would bills and the fact your parents won't help anymore freak you out? Or could you simply walk into a job as your eighteen year old self, now in your 26 year old body, stride over and say, "Give me this job. I am qualified and ready to go at it."

So many kids in high school believe that where they are is it. Nothing else matters, the future is of no concern due to them being translucent from the ails of society. You stay stuck as one of these characters after you get out of your 4 year stint in one way or another. I myself at 18 was drinking beer in the woods on the edge of some skateboard spot or my later half spent dropping out of my first attempt at college. But nowadays circumstances are more ripe than ever for the youth to feel like they are eighteen and then, out of nowhere, dropped off in the middle of, yes, you guessed it, REAL LIFE.

Could this cocky little person inside you survive in the world? Here is a short list of characters. Could you be one of them?

1. A druggie. You were addicted to some kind of shit that might have even made a portion of high school one big blur. Many experiences that are supposed to come along with puberty were halted or just destroyed by your minds filing cabinet. Thrown in the paper shredder. Tons of nights were spent tripping out and thinking you had unlocked the secrets of life. Only for the next morning to come and the realization of "shit, I have to go to work at Wal-Mart tonight." In a few years the druggies who don't get out of this will see the people around them going to American Career College or Trade schools.

2. The Monogamy whore. This can be a man or a woman. But I know so many people like this. They stay tied up in one strangling relationship after another. This is not one relationship, but a multiple string holding on to whatever thread of lust and teenage fantasy of getting married that they can. And they annoy the shit out of you in a College setting. While everyone else is having one night stands like they are supposed to, these characters sit and only make out with that one other person. And then, once you think they are actually single and can have a girl/guy's night out all of a sudden the are going to TGI Fridays with another little monogamy whore. Because like drunks at a bar, they find each other. they had to come to college or the big city you live in and not allow any other guy or gal to get down their pants. Until they wake up in the early morning next to the new person they won't shut up about to you for the next two weeks after the first encounter. The funny thing about the Monogamy whore is they are cool but you know they might as well be players since there will be another girl/guy around their arm shortly.

3. The High School sweethearts.. They should have just stayed in their hometown and worked at the In n Out but no, they had to come here and not allow any sexual deviant touch them. Their hearts are frozen at the prom but their heads are screaming at one another each day. Ultimately, this doesn't last. Even if they don't cheat on one another while young. Once older the woman will become a vicious cougar waiting to attack an young boy reminiscent of her husband in his prime.

4. The Rapper. Yeah, I said it. From the nerd rappers to the gangstahs. Not rappers who have made careers for themselves before their fucking hair turns gray from trying so hard. But all the loose so-called emcee's. Come on, I know we can all agree. These fuckers are drifters. Most of them have no future in it so why fully invest your time? This is probably the most hypocritical of the list on my behalf but I believe that if you are 27-29 yrs of age and still haven't gotten a deal, it's probably a sign to throw in the ghetto cape. Here's what I say to do. Wake up at a regular hour, stop living on your friends couches and get a real job. You can rap two nights a week, other than that live a life free of the whole hip hop community. Your work ethic and professional demeanor will improve thus naturally becoming a better business man. Once you have gained stability you come back with the compelling, amazing work that makes all the scrappy fucks on the street shit themselves which you were reaching for all those years. Make it your passion, but like Grouch said, "when sleeping on your friends couch is no longer the plan..." Figure it out guys, I know your not stupid. You can sub the title of this one with Depressed Guitarist, or poet not of his time.

5.The forever college student. Yeah, you might be higher education but that doesn't exclude you from losing out on experience due to keeping your head stuck in the books. That's what this life is about, not pestering from your bitter professor. Not battling it out in a debate class. it's about taking that luscious thing right next to you and going to the broom closet. Make some memories instead of only studying them.

6. The City College football player. This shit is hilarious. There are those parties when your in your home town around the holidays and this is when you run in to guys like this. In the halls by your English class they wore the same thing, a big jersey with their number worn like the girls should drop their pants at the sight of their man boobs. Now older, they have a "hey man, it's good to see you" smile but you can't help from laugh at the way he looks the same only pud-like and circular. Once his knees finally break at the KFC drive thru he'll have to find another aspiration. Like be a manager at a mattress store and barbecue with his Coors light each weekend.

7. The Hometown drunk. This guy is the worst with memories. He'll yap your ear off about "remember when's" that you can't even believe he still knows. The first few years out of school it's nice to see him. You get that familiar hello. But then when he starts to delve into all the problems and woes you back away. He has no momentum, just a want to fly like the rest of us. He is the type of person you can only remember from high school because he never left town so therefore he never really changed. When someone dies he is someone who will be there to give a hug, so the hometown drunk gets points for being some type of foundation.

8. The rich kid. Nor-Cal, So-Cal. East, West. Portola Valley snob or Private School pest. There is no difference. If you are given everything where's the need or desire to grow and expand? You can go anywhere you want, do anything you want. All of your postings on the web are from your extravagant outings to posh hotels where you might as well of stayed in America since you don't even go and see the country you are staying in. Your parents probably bought you land somewhere in South America and you flipped it with your friend who's friend of a friend majored in business. And since you had the money to invest you to played the part of a business man. So now you sit in your house and play Wii while the rest of the planet still revolves around you. Maybe you didn't even get that far and still have dreams and false hopes that your parents have filled your caviar gorged belly with.

9. The perpetual Hippie. You live in some area of the mountains. You shit in a hole, you help snip dope or pick grapes on weekends for farmers where no illegal immigrants are. You are always broke but somehow always get to Phil Lesh, Reggae on the River and other festival setting of your desire. You don't like your parents but they love you. Your step dad pays your rent at the house your never at because his name was reluctantly put on the lease. sometimes when you are not stoned you have a moment of realization and might run off to be a masseuse. Sometimes you just find yourself floating at the end of Haight street that meets with Golden Gate Park. Once you start to give a shit and snip those dreads life may actually give a person of your demeanor a good running chance.

10. The Club Girl. She constantly posts bulletins on Myspace. Any time she is at work she wants to leave. She is never actually "there" because she is so set on what show or club she is going to next. You once were Daddy's little girl but admire Samantha and for sure were just at Opening night of The Sex And The City movie. You moved to a big city to be one of the business women on Madison Ave. Men lust after you but beside the boss who may have already fucked you on the new copier they don't chase you because they have a good woman at home. To the outside world you are an upwardly mobile professional but inside you deny any real feeling that could lead to a meaningful moment since you are now a money-bitch. That's right, a slave to the dollar.

11. The Waiter. Not if you are at some kick ass small cafe. You are probably mixed with the rapper or the City college football player or druggie. All your friends chain smoke. You probably work at Buca Di Beppos and talk about which innocent girl you want to sodomize next. I worked at a Buca. Waiters are not people you want to have around a girl you are into. They are relentless at the employee after shift hang out bar. The will flirt like the sweetest men on earth, the same way they worked the table full of old ladies for a 50 dollar tip. Lot's of these people are cool, but in some way or another are stuck in a shitty food biz job for years.

So, which one are you? Maybe I went to far with this. But I feel like so much of my generation has just now woken up to the fact that life is tough. There will be no change if we don't change. Take it to the next level. We need to push forward and make a change for ourselves as well as in this country.