Why am I friendless?

Jan 10, 2008

When I was little we would play together and have picnics in the park and on occasion the picnic basket monster would come and eat all or our food and we were sad. I should have never dumped my pretend friends. They were the best friends that a only lonely child ever had. Why am I friendless? Is it because I am a lonely loud mouth loser with limited time and luster? I have two degrees and I am working on a second Master's and I can't seem to keep a friend. I never knew how to be a friend. Does this make me a loser? I feel like a loser with no friends. Everyone knows that I have no friends and my own family treat me like the loner and outsider that I am. I have never felt apart of anything in my life. Even if I was a cheerleader and everyone in the school knew me. I recently meet my cousin's roommate and I did not even know him. I should have since I graduated with him.

Is this the reason I have not friends? I have gotten so used to being alone that I only focus on myself and ignore everyone else around me? I remember when I was younger my most memorable times were sitting alone in the woods reflecting and praying and thinking about life. I was maybe in junior high. I have always found solace in the silence. I suffer silently in the silence. I don't have a friend because I don't want to be burden. I am a burden however to my wonderful husband who has to put up with all of my craziness and crying. He is also somewhat of a loner and we spend to much time with each other because he does not have any friends either. I don't want to share my emotions with anyone including him. I am afraid of seeming human and flawed. As an only child, I was not supposed to be flawed. I was supposed to be perfect and good. I have never rebelled against anyone including my parents in my life.

Even though I am married do however at the rip age of 27 feel lonely. I do not have someone who I can share myself with and in return they will share themselves. I did have one friend a few years ago but as usual I was scared and as soon as I meet my husband I left her. It is as if I can only focus on one relationship at a time. I have trouble being in to many relationships all at once. I am not sure why but I do think that this is a flaw or some sort. I think that it is time that I pay someone to listen to me and help me sort things out. I just to see a therapist for free during college and she keep telling me to focus on the big ME. I never understood her. I thought that I was to self absorbed. I guess I was wrong. Well, every counseling session, I would be in tears. I guess this was because of my failing relationship with my ex-fiancé at the time. I had cheated on him in college and he rightfully treated me like crap for the two years pretending to work things out. I am a horrible person for doing this but I did not love him. I was trapped in an illusion.

I wonder is I am trapped an illusion right now? A non reality of a marriage and life. I can look at my self in the mirror and have an out of body experience. I am not sure who I am staring back. I feel detached from my body and it really scares me. My only escape is in television shows and movies. I befriend the characters. They become my family and even though a show may be canceled, I know that they did not leave me but everyone else.

So, I would ask if anyone after reading this brief glimpse into my world would like to become friends with me. Please carefully consider it before you respond because you may wind up catching the friendless disease.