What’s In a Name?

Mar 13, 2008

I remember coming home one day from elementary school and asking my Mother where my name came from. She said that my father picked it. She wanted to name me Dawn Elizabeth but that was “too English” for my Scottish father. I would be called Dawn Shona and with little argument, that became my name. I have never liked my name. From the moment I first remember hearing it, it was always something that bothered me. Thinking back, I recall wanting another name and always knowing that when the time was right I would choose my own.

Many individuals and families have changed their names or adopted an alias at some time in the past but not all for the same reasons. For me, I wanted to reinvent myself, to become the person I always wanted to be, the person I believed deep down that I was and not the fragile and disempowered child that was my father’s daughter.

When I was twenty-three I started songwriting and performing under the name Ophelia's Mirror. Ophelia is known by many as the tragic love interest in Shakespeare's Hamlet. She had the potential to be the heroine but her controlling relationship with her father, distress with her lover and those around her led to her being seen as merely a tragic character. Unable to overcome the adversities in her life, she takes her own. For me, this character was symbolic on many levels of my own life and continued inner turmoil that I was unable to work through. A failed attempt to take my own life led me to a place of much needed inner reflection. So I decided to name my band Ophelia's Mirror to portray a reflection of self.

In the years that followed I found myself working with survivors of trauma, many of who came to know me as Ophelia. It was an alias I used to protect myself when talking to people about my past in written articles or online in survivor forums. I had always viewed the name to reflect sadness and turmoil, until one particular conversation in which a survivor commented on the beauty in the name. She shared with me that Ophelia, in her eyes, was a strong and beautiful woman. She was portrayed as weak and yet, throughout the story, she continued to hold on to hope. Childlike and naive, she did what she was told in order to appease those who were around her. It was her frailty and innocence that caused her demise but through it all she was virtuous and loyal. She noted Ophelia as the epitome of goodness. I would later learn that the word Ophelia was Greek for "helper." It was then that I knew. "Ophelia" would be my chosen name.

As a survivor, being able to rename myself was an important part of my healing process. To choose a name that was reflective of who I saw myself to be. As a songwriter, I have written often about my trauma. Who I was is not who I am today. I am stronger and more able to show vulnerability. I live my life in light and have chosen to share my experience, in the hopes of helping others heal from theirs. I believe that thoughts are things and that how we see ourselves, reflects who we are and have the ability to become.

As children of trauma, we were conditioned to believe that we were worthless and deserving of our abuse. For many, this self-loathing and inner hatred has carried itself into adulthood. Through time, these patterns manifest themselves in our relationships with ourselves and those around us. Personally, I have struggled with addictions, negative thought patterns, and behaviors that have stemmed from my abuse. Healing is life-long. It takes time, effort, and a commitment in order to move forward, from darkness to light. One doesn't have to change their name in order to change who they are for the betterment of themselves. We, as survivors, deserve to be happy. To ultimately move from victim to survivor to thriver. To perhaps not even identify ourselves as such because it is so far removed from who we are that the only label we have, is the one we choose for ourselves; the name we give it.

To the Survivor: The fact that you were a victim of trauma and are here, reading this now, carries a meaning that you are a survivor by choice. On some level, unconscious or not, you chose to survive. You are a survivor. We, as adults need to recognize the strength it took to get to this place. This does not mean that we will never find ourselves thinking negatively or reverting to old thought patterns. We are human. It does mean however, choosing something else for ourselves. We must create a shift from awareness into healing by redefining who we are and what we will become. Giving ourselves the patience, time, and love in order to move forward. For me, changing my name was a step I needed to begin my journey of letting go of the past. What matters most is not what we are called but what and who we are. So we must first believe that we are worthy of love. It is through the practice of self-love, that we are truly able to love one another. On our own terms.