the disease of the mind

Feb 26, 2008

my thoughts, sometimes cannot be controlled, contained, in a moment of exhaustion, confusion, and frustration, my mind is clearer than ice as ever thought every second pierces my lungs captivating my mind in a fury of emotions i cannot quite grasp unless i attempt record them, for which most never will understand. i can only stare at the walls, the ceiling, the nothingness around me, of which means nothing to me, these barriers, i would break if i could, like the people around me, break them down to the truths, i wonder, sometimes, if they even feel, do you feel? do you ever feel, because i feel the world around me, moving in an unstoppable motion, uncontrollable, and with each day i see the same repetitive actions and thoughts, no one really changing, just watching, waiting, for the world to change them, letting the slightest moments change their lives forever. tragedy seems to have fallen in love with me, the only thing that has stayed with me since i could remember, never let me down, not for a movement, and yet, I've ignored it's presence brushed it off as a part of life, but it seems to have an attraction to ignorance. how many times do i watch the people i love, fall apart forgetting who they are, what they want, or about the world completely. lost in some attempt to find, prove who they are, to the point where it's a disease. Depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, call it whatever you wish, it all revolves around the thoughts in your mind, the ones, that after being disregarded, come back, and as in the attraction of tragedy, will come back for you, consuming you, and everything you are. there is no way around it, no matter how much you make yourself believe it means nothing more to you than a thought in your mind, trusting that you don't affect anyone other than yourself. every day, making yourself believe, that in the end, this life will really be worth living, through the lies, the tragedies, the losses, something that makes you believe that the truth, the accomplishments and love, will somehow make it worth it, but when it comes down to it, those aren't the things that stay with you, the things that stay in the back of your thoughts. what makes the life worth living is the beauty in the world, the essence of the music that comes from within the deepest forests, the oceans, the ones that overpower any sound created by people, the ones that destroyed the beauty, now forgotten by many, living for reasons they believe mean more to them then the beauty that lets them have everything they adore. the ignorance or people is what is the attraction of all destruction, the tragedies we see every day, all blamed on any other cause then themselves, and their ignorance. i just want to love, i want to live, if i could, honestly i would spend my life dancing in magnificently adored fields of flowers, life, in a perfect, unharmed form, away from those people that have no care for life outside or their world, and the way they perceive things, unable to accept the truth. i want to be free from the thoughts of self worth, greed, perfection, war, violence, all revolve around hatred, the world was the essence of perfection, something like a flower, more beautiful than anything that could ever be created by people, so of this ignorance, everything of natural, true perfect, must be destroyed by those that let their mind control them into being the best of their breed, essentially that is to blame. No one seems to care about who people are anymore, just what they are, or claim to be, the way they look, but not the way they think, about how they truly perceive the world and people around them,and the people they love, or exist upon, rarely expressing their true thought, just going along with their life, and make everyone believe it's the life they want to lead, but those thoughts, the ones that lay quietly, silently eating away at everything, that you've tricked yourself into believing, until some finally break, and don't know what to expect when finally confronted with the thoughts ripping apart the surface, effortlessly, as if they waited endlessly for the perfectly tragic moment. people let their thoughts destroy them, and everything around them, never expressing them, letting them escape from their mind, just waiting till time has been lost, and nothing is left but person so lost, their lost have become a disease, and there is no turning back, medications, designed to essentially take away your life, no longer living, just alive, emotionless, a cure that only goes so far, cause when you've hit the end, it's almost better to feel every captivation thought thought, letting it destroy you, because feeling the world collapse around you is better than feeling nothing at all.