I know how Kurt felt.

Jun 23, 2008

Kurt Cobain once wrote "I hate myself and want to die". That song is about a girl, and when it comes to that area, you sitting there watching the girl of your dreams being held by some guy looking for some quick rebound fuck. I could never tell her, I could never look her in the eye's and say, "You are my moon, my shining single star," I could never tell her how it hurt to watch the sunset, because it stole from her beauty. I couldn't pull the trigger and now I sit here, cold, alone. I hate myself and wanna die. A little harsh, but if you love someone, wanting there presence in every moment, understandable. I want her to know, but she can't, only when I drink do I blow my cover, go figure I can only openly, soberly express myself on the internet, in some pathetic diatribe.

I wish I where more poetic, I wish I could just sing my feelings. But I got no voice for that, and I got no guitar skills. Kurt had that, he got the girl, but he died. I can say I've been locked inside her Heart-Shaped box for weeks, but he could sing it. I'm no Kurt Cobain. I'm a nobody, in total infatuation with somebody. I wish I could give that someone all my nothing, and the world.

Fuck rebound boy, fuck his metal music, kissing her right next to me. She doesn't stop him, and I sit here dying and bleeding on the inside. I should be out making money, instead I came here to see someone who in all this world I like more, I can tolerate. She understands me, for me, we talk in inside jokes, our whole process of friendship revolves around our own level of sense. My mother once said that love is a joining of existence with your best friend. I bleed in way's that booze, pot, and cigarette smoke won't heal. I die of cancer by choice, I die of broken heart by default. I am a broken existence, alone, and bloodied.
So here I go.

Broken tears shatter on a canvas of air,
the feeling inside me is uniquely rare,
I feeel no more tears, no more pain,
no more passion inside, my body loses feeling,
and I shake and I hide,
I know that without her
I cannot be me,
I wish I could just hide myself to make myself free,
I bleed inside
I feel so broken,
I try to say it
but I start choking,
I am a victim,
I am a shell of man,
but I will hold her in my heart,
and wait for her hand,
I feel so empty,
I feel so torn to shit,
should I persue her,
Or should I just quit,
Why do I like her?
Why do I stay?
I think she's worth it,
I won't go away.