Confession

Jul 14, 2008

So I've had this job for almost 6 months now, no one knows, and even a lot of people outside of this job don't know that I'm divorced. Yeah, only 19 and divorced. It makes me sick to think about. I feel bad for never having told you Sesha, I'm sorry It doesn't even feel like it was me though. I feel like I've just been observing someone else's ridiculous life. I still have his last name...it sickens me everytime I have to say it. With my job, I have to say it a lot so other companies know who they're speaking with. Everytime it's like a huge slap in the face. He's home free, he can just forget about me, but me...until those papers come through and I can get my name changed...he's just stuck on me. I wish I could scrub him off. I'm too embarassed to tell you how short we were married. I hate myself for believing him.I hate myself for trusting him. We became what everyone told us we would. I'm glad now, that's for sure, I don't need people like that in my life. But I just wish it never would've happened. I would rather have never met him than have gone through everything we did. Sad..I know. Why'd we get a divorce? Well, let's see...he couldn't handle his alcohol. He got aggressive and verbally abusive almost 99% of the time. When I asked him if he'd quit for us, he said "that's stupid, I want to be able to drink and have fun with my wife". Fun included him controlling me, constantly giving me ultimatums and using sex against me. It was disgusting. I'd have to do everything he said because if I didn't, he'd get even more upset and usually if we were at a friends house, i didn't want to make a bigger scene than what was already being made. The main reason I guess it that he cheated on me. We were at a Christmas party together and he hooked up with a random girl in the bathroom upstairs. I can't even beieve it as I'm typing it. The most sickening part, is that the only reason I got weird feeling about it was because when I went to get him (cause we had to go), him and this girl were talking and separated really fast when I came around the corner. They both had that "caught red handed" face. I almost threw up right then. Later I found out that they had been exchanging numbers when I rounded the corner and "caught" them. Can you believe it? He was getting her fucking phone number. I asked him if she knew he was married, he said yes. Then I asked him if he knew that. What a piece of work huh? I've never had to call the police so many times on one person. Oh and he got herpes from that chick he made out with. I know you're supposed to forgive people but...I've honestly never hated someone so much in my life. Anytime he tries to contact me, just to "say hi and see how I'm doing", I try to be mature and just ignore him so I don't say what I really want to. It's so hard not telling him fuck you and i hate your fucking guts you asshole. I wish I could. The sad part is, he doesn't think he did anything wrong. Incredible right? No one's ever broken my heart so many times. He told me I was a nightmare of a girlfriend and wife. Funny thing, he's the one that fucking proposed AND I tried to postpone the wedding a few times. He freaked everytime I mentioned it and went into a fuckin ridiculous depression. So in order to make his life worthwhile I'd have to say ok ok, we'll get married. He basically said he wasn't ready. I really wish he would've figured that out...say..I dono, before he proposed, before the wedding...that would've been great. Being divorced was my biggest nightmare. I know its stupid, but I used to promise myself that i'd rather be in an unhappy marraige than get a divorce. I know...its stupid. I guess I'm not one of those women that can keep mentally and emotionally draining and exhausting themselves for someone who's not worth it. Thank goodness. I'm ashamed to be divorced. I'm embarassed. I regret everything. Everything. I don't know what my life would be like, had I not experienced that chapter, I just wish i would've blacked out for the whole thing or something. I have so much hate inside of me. I know it's bad, I know I should forgive, all I want though, is for someone to kick his ass and make him feel as shitty as he made me feel. I know that's immature, hopefully someday I'll grow up. As for now though,I'm going to hate him with all of me for as long as I can. He ruined my dream of getting married at a young age. He ruined everything. I know I have to hold some of the blame myself. I'm sure I could've done some things differently...I don't know. Just thinking about him makes me miserable. I hate that he's not miserable. I know...I know. I just want him to know how much hate him. I wish he could understand that. i don't think anyone can though....