So its been awhile and I kinda have a lot to say...

Jun 17, 2008

I have been doing a huge amount of soul searching these first six months of the year and have found out a lot of stuff about me and others that are or have been in my life...

The question of loyalty has been a huge part of my thinking especially lately. I have watched people, whom I have put a whole lot of trust, pretty much shove in my face how much they really feel about me and what I bring to the friendship and it hasn't been good at all. I have watched friends that I have known inside and out for years, step all over my heart and non verbally tell me that I am nothing important to them despite all the time that I have given to them by listening and offering advice and being their cheerleader through all the hard times they have gone through. I have watched people lie to me (although confronting them on said lies they chose to lie to my face and continue with the dishonest behavior) and then have the audacity to turn around and make me the bad guy.

On the flip side I have had great people come into my life and in a short time proven to me that they are genuine in their caring for me and what I am going through. I have also re connected with some of the greatest people I could ever ask for when it comes to friendship. Thank you to those who have shown me that for every negative experience there are still good people out there to hold my faith in the positivity in the human race.

With all that said...

The other part of my soul searching has been about me and the part I seem to play in this world. I have started a new job this year and in doing so re started a small part of myself. I am about to reach a milestone that has taken me 10 years to accomplish and I couldn't be more nervous and excited about it. I am working toward some new goals that would allow for the stability that I have been craving. I have also made a couple of discoveries that will benefit the goal of having my own business in the next 4-5 years.

I have been witness to the accomplisments of the most important person in my life... He who shall remain obvious... is starting Kindergarten in the fall and I couldn't be more proud even if I wanted to. Its making me cry right now to realize that in dealing with all the drama I sometimes forget that the only thing that is truly important (and the reason that I continue to weed out all the negativity) greets me from the door every night when I come home from work with a loud "MOMMY!!!" as I pull into the driveway. Its enough to make me forget about my problems until he is safely tucked into bed for the night.

Through all of this I have challenged my faith in the world and in myself. I have had weak moments that have turned around and made me a stronger person. I have done my best to stay as opptomistic as possible and I can not lie it has been tough. I am emerging with a differant perspective on a lot of things. I will continue to stand as tall as my 5'4" frame will allow and walk through life with my head held high. When you feel as if you have hit rock bottom the only way you have to go is up.