darlin i'm sorry, there really are no words that are going to be able to comfort you because even if it is doing ok right now its this constant stress on your mind. just know that no matter what happens, life continues, it goes on, death just can't be the end. its like this poem by Ocatavio Paz
stretched out on the grass a boy and a girl
savoring their oranges giving their kisses
like waves exchanging foam
stretched out on the beach a boy and a girl
savoring their limes giving their kisses
like clouds exchanging foam
stretched out underground a boy and a girl
saying nothing never kissing giving silence for silence

i think the poem is about the eternal proportions of the relationships we have with our family and our loved ones. it goes on no matter what, i know that doesn't make it easier but the poem helps me sometimes

its so magical to find someone you can actually be yourself with, you're not alone in feeling like you have to put on a show for people, in a lot of instances its kinda necessary, but when you find someone you can just be with who won't judge you and who will always stand by your side, it is truly wonderful... reminds me of a song by Goo Goo Dolls... iris.... good stuff

they are definitely girls, if they were boys then things would get even more complicated for me cause i don't swing that way
im sry about your friend, often times it sucks to see how an environment can shape a person into something you or they never wanted to be

i feel like the things i have posted are very similar to some of the things you have... i think everyone is dealing with who they really are... and we may NEVER figure it out... and i am so scared of that....

i sometimes feel this way to... i have had two best friends since i was in kindergarden, we just graduate and they went to college... and i realize that they are going to meet new friends and all of that but i feel somehow that they have forgotten me... when they come home one of them visits me and the other i can honestly say i haven't talked to in...4 months...

when my one friend does visit me all she can seem to talk about is her new friends and how she is doing this with them and that with them, but never really bothers to ask about me... i guess i have always been the girl that will listen to everybody elses problems, but no one truly cares about my problems...

so i guess my advice to you would be to not worry about how you looked the last time you were around her, or if you were carrying the right purse, or if your hair was fixed the right way, because you should just worry about how you feel that you look, don't worry about how she feels, it is obvious that she has some big issues that she needs to take care of... don't change yourself for her-- because i have a feeling she is not worth it...

good luck i hope everything works out for you... my grandma always told me there always has to be someone in the backseat not everyone can fit up front, so i guess right now you might have to sit in the backseat (like me...) until someone gets out of the front.... :)

sorry this is so long.. i got carried away...