A Dead Rant

Jan 23, 2008

What would happen if I died?
I know it's weird, but sometimes I think a lot about my death, but I think it's really just a fixation on how significant I really am in this lovingly cruel world.

I'd imagine getting some kind of lethal cancer that will take my life. Sometimes I would be making some moving speech at G-block assembly saying my good-byes. Getting flowers in bed, visits in hospitals. People who I've never spoken to will start expressing sympathy. I will see a different side of my father. I will be the "talk of the town" and people will be sad for me and with me. Finally, on my deathbed, I will be surrounded by those who care and those who love.

Then there are other times when I will die immediately and suddenly by some kind of accident or murder. How fast will the news be spread? Will I be in the paper? People will be shocked, but it wouldn't be about me. It would be about the cause of my death. There may be vengeance in some hearts or some kind of concern about the situation. There will be hindsight and regret. If only she left 2 minutes later. If only she was not so ill-tempered. If only she said "no". If only if only.

Who would cry? Who would silently rejoice? Who would be shocked? Was I a martyr or a fallen angel? Did I deserve it? Heaven or hell? How many bouquets? How many tissues? Where are the memorials? Who would actually care?

Who is sad? Who is sad for the sake of attention? Who is sad to the point of depression? Who would celebrate my life? Who is happy that I've lived? Who will clean up the mess I've caused? Will there be any to begin with? Who will remember and who will forget?

Who will find my body?

Heath Ledger died yesterday. Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance to watch Brokeback Mountain (because my mom said it was rated-R and unappropiate) or 10 Things I hate about You (because I wasn't really into chick flicks back then?), so I had no idea who he was. Then all of a sudden everyone yesterday at 2:30 in the hallways were talking about this random "Heath Ledger". Everywhere I turned to, there's either a conversation, a media article, or a radio station talking about him. Saying things about how young he was, how much potential he had, and how he had everything going for him. And now whenever I hear the name "Heath Ledger" from here on, I will always associate him with two words: young and death.

I guess that's what death does to people. It kind of turns you famous for a while. The works you've done are now somewhat sacred. Those who've never really cared suddenly do.

I honestly don't know where I'm going at. This is a death rant dying away. Funny thing is, I've only heard "Heath Ledger"'s name mentioned once the next day and that was on a morning radio talk show. How much longer would he be thought of before everybody's moved on with his death? A day? A week? A month? A year? And how long would it take before everybody's moved on with mine? A day? A week? A month? A year?

What would happen if I died.