Lost....

Jan 03, 2008

I feel so lost. Like, when will I ever find myself again??
I had a life I loved before. But I am a person that will change everything, including everything I love, for someone or something, if I think Ill end up happy in the end. And the truth is it is never happiness I end up in. Nothing but confusion and unanswered questions.
I lived on the other side the country for six years while serving in the military. I loved my life...lived on the beach, served my country, I loved my job!! And I had the best friends I could ever ask for!!Till the one day when my love back home said on the phone that he wanted me to leave all that and go back home for us to start a family, blah blah blah. I soaked it all up like as if it was what I was waiting to hear.
I came back home. Things were good for a while. Then everything came collapsing down. I dont think its possible to say it couldve gotten worst...it was bad.
Now I'm here. Hes gone. Which by the way is a good thing. I have learned so much more about myself in this whole ordeal. I am strong as most say. I always seem to pick up all the pieces scattered everywhere and move on. Smiling. Not meaning it always but the smile is there atleast, right?
Then, in my whole altered world, there is but ONE person that gets me. Really gets me. As me. Nothing to hide, nothing to impress....just the real me. And he's untouchable. When will it ever be easier?
Maybe I shouldnt have come back home. I dont belong here. I belong somewhere far away. Less confusion that way. No worries. No stress. Just me and a beautiful surrounding. And maybe then Ill find a reason to smile.