My first blog

Apr 26, 2008

Well, along with recording my first video blog a few moments ago, I figured I would write my first entry here as well. As my profile states, I am a dharma bum. I borrow that phrase from the book of the same name by the great Jack Kerouac. A dharma bum is a religious or spiritual wanderer. That describes me to a tee. The first time I read Kerouac's Dharma Bums, it brought me to tears to see a depiction of myself and to know that there were others like me in the world. I've always been a seeker. From as early as I can remember, I've been searching for something. I started searching the great spiritual traditions of the world when I was in fourth grade. I did a project in school on ancient Egypt and fell in love with the culture and religion. Albeit, I was only in fourth grade so I didn't have that broad an understanding of it. It was my first religious experience, and I can remember saying prayers to the god Osiris everyday for quite a while. Well, to make a long story shorter, from that point I have researched or participated in one form or another in every major religious tradition out there. I grew up in a Christian environment, and experimented with that several different times. I never seemed to get out of it what the preachers and other devout Christians told me I should. So I continued searching all throughout my life. I had given Christianity a good long try of about five consecutive years before my recent round of exploration. About 2 years ago, I went through a particularly messy breakup in which my fiancee cheated on me and then left me for another man. During our relationship, I had poured myself completely into it, so much so that my whole identity was wrapped up in it. When that was gone, I basically lost myself. I went into a downward spiral for a long time. I finally surfaced but over time realized that I didn't know who I was anymore. None of my previous preconceptions and beliefs made any sense to me. Over time, I came to a point of complete faithlessness and despair, not even being able to believe in anything. Then I read Kerouac's book. It reawakened something deep inside of me that had lain dormant for many years. In my previous explorations I had looked into Buddhism for about a year before I returned to Christianity. Looking back, I now know that I didn't really get it back then and my motivations for trying it weren't where they should have been. But in reading The Dharma Bums I found a description of the life I'd been leading. I had a name to call myself, for all that matters. So from there, I decided to give Buddhism another go, but with a different approach this time. I naturally read alot, and so I immediately started getting books on the topic. Over the past several months, I have read alot and listened to a lot of teachers. I have learned a great deal, and come to the realization that the Buddhist path really is what I have been looking for all my life. And countless past lives too. Now, I am in the process and establishing a solid, daily meditation practice and then seeking out a local sangha, or community, to join. I haven't formally taken refuge yet, but that will come soon. Right now, I just trying to become aware of the preciousness of my human life with liberty and opportunity, the immediacy of death and the intensity of the present moment, the evolutionary causality that is karma, and the infinite reality of interconnectedness and love. I have a long way to go to reach enlightenment, but i have taken the first steps along the path and I know I'll get there. There's no turning back. I am filled with hope for the first time in a long time.