Garden State, depression and Natalie Portman

Jun 11, 2008

Countdown....6 days until I leave to Los Angeles. Seems like not a minute too soon. As I stated before I will miss some people, things, events, etc.. here, but I feel like I must do this for my sanity. The more I stay here, the more stressful everything is. After weighing the pros and cons of everything, this seems like the most logical solution that anyone in my situation would do.

I just finished watching Garden State and as cliche as this might sound, (I don't care what you think), I did find myself relating to the Zach Braff character very much. He was feeling numb in life because he was medicating most of his life, he's an actor in Los Angeles who returns home to go to his mother's funeral, he gets off his meds and basically tries to live life, he meets Sam (Natalie Portman) and she wakes him up, so to speak, he also reconnects with old friends along the way.

Currently, I am experiencing this intense numbness, not caused by medication or anything, just life. I feel like I am not living right now, in fact I feel dead. I have moments where I am shocked back into existence. I tend to hide how i feel a lot at work, everything. It's when I am at home that I am most me, and sometimes I don't like myself. Sometimes I wish I could relate to people better, sometimes I wish my life had not turned out this way and I could actually live with these people. I starve myself sometimes just to avoid dealing with people in the house, I hide away just to get a sense of myself. I think a change will bring me back to existence, bring me back to who I really am. I hopefully won't feel so suppressed in a different place, a new enviornment, etc..

I fell in love with Natalie Portman again. The first time is when I saw Beautiful Girls (not the greatest movie, but I loved her character), she was really young but played a character much more mature than her age. I feel for her again, her way of being, her quirkiness, the fact she had records, her willingness to share herself to this guy, looking at old photos together, etc... I guess inside I long for that, someone who will wake me up out of my dreary existence and give me life. I think a girl like that will do that..no, I KNOW she will. I hope those kinds of girls don't only exist in movies, and books. I find it easier to fall for fictional people, but I do have my moments.

Depression has crippled me, but I don't cry or get intense lately. Just the numbness which in itself is attached to all that. Once I leave here, I know it will get all better. It just has to, for my sanity. Luckily I do have people who do care and Miami is just killing me.

They sometimes say a way a person decorates their room reflects their mood. Well, my room is grey and there are no decorations, posters, pictures, nothing. I guess that must mean I am in a between state and blank? Who really knows? This is perhaps going to be my last entry on the East Coast. I know this will all work out, thank you.