Revenge.....don't say you don't like some.

April 10, 2008

So Johnny Lee shows up at my house last night. So much for going to visit him.


Anyway, it turns out there was an art auction in North Carolina he was heading to. He wanted to take me and James, but Jameses lame ass had to work, so it ended up me and Mr. "Look-at-me-I'm-buying-ar t-for-my-restaurant-becau se-I'm-so-successful" leaving at 4 A.M. for the auction.

15 minutes later, we are looking at a deer in the middle of the road with no head in front of the lodge.

The head, being attached to Johnny Lee's grill by the antlers, was still kinda spasming. I guess the nerves were still reacting or something. Either way, we could tell it was gonna be one of those days.

So after cleaning up the mess, and falling down one of the slopes when I was dragging the body into the woods, we were on our way again. John was wearing his usual: a stained white undershirt, black pants, and sneakers. I was wearing am element t-shirt which was too small because i bought it like 4 years ago (I wear the same cloths for 10 years straight, shut up.) some blue jeans with humongous holes in the bottom from walking like 30 miles in one day in them, and my underarmor hat, which has a slight major hole in it from 4th of July weekend. We are in no way dressed to go to an art auction Oh yeah, John's jeep is covered in deer blood.

Well, the 5 hour drive only turned out to be a nice and short 7 hours, because John can navigate about as well as a blind retard. When we do finally find the house where the auction is happening, John decides to check his GPS, just to make sure he are that the right house.

This is because the previous 3 houses we were at were filled with crazy rich rednecks (trust me, I didn't know they existed either) that didn't know where the auction was, but didn't waste a minute inviting us to stay for the night in their cellar. In the two second pause that consisted of Johnny Lee looking at the screen, some asshole in a red Corvette pulled up behind us and honked his bitch ass horn at us.

Then, before we even had a chance to move, he pulled around us, stuck his pale face with pointed nose out the window and yelled,
"Learn to fucking drive, you Georgia hicks!". Then, he drove up the driveway, to the house in question.

John lost it. "Who the fuck is that guy. I'd fucking kick his ass if I knew he probably didn't have 6 body guards in the backseat of his car, buttfucking each other until he calls for help."

I was pretty pissed to, but I didn't react as quickly. You see, while Johnny boy over there probably could and would kick his ass, all that would do would be to give that prick a reason to sure is or some shit like that, and make him even more of an asshole.I on the other hand, knew exactly how to deal with him; for I too, am an asshole.

John pulled up and went to park the jeep when I saw the pointed nosed asshole, or PNA for short, walk into the house. I jumped out of the jeep without waiting for john to slow down and followed him inside.

Inside, he went straight for the gallery, where he art being auctioned off was placed. In his hand are two things, a notepad, and a packet of papers, about 5 of them, with pictures of paintings on them. He walked around a bit, looking form piece to piece, only half-way interested. Eventually, he looked down at the packet, with the paintings on them, all of which I had noticed were n the gallery. More or less, he was looking for specific ones he wanted to buy.

As he stopped in front of the paintings he wanted, he wrote down their number on his notepad. He obviously wasn't that smart if he couldn't' remember 5 numbers.

If you've never been to an auction, here is how it usually works. Before the auction ever begins, the objects of interest are assigned a number, and put on display, that way, the buyers can get a good idea of what they are interested in, and can easily identify it on stage, or purchase it for a high price before the auction begin to ensure that it will be their's.

Anyway, every time he stopped, I used my phone to take a picture of him in front of every painting he stopped at, then when he walked away, I went behind him and also wrote down the numbers of the art he wanted. During this time, he was talking to a man he had just met, bragging how he was getting the art his wife-to-be picked out, and if he got all of the paintings, he get laid every night for the rest of the week.





"O RLY?" Is all I could think.





One hour (he really sucked at identifying paintings) and 6 paintings later, we left the gallery. I headed straight to the private owner of the paintings.





"Excuse me sir, but I was wondering if any of these were available for pre-sale?" I showed him the numbers and the pictures.





"Uhm....yes, all of them except for number B-12. That one I'm afraid is to be auctioned off as normally."

"Excellent. Excuse me for one second." I walked quickly away, looking for Johnny Lee. He was talking to some woman (not that bad looking either) in a red dress. I grabbed his arm and pulled him away, asking her to excuse him for one second.

"Look at this." I showed him the pictures, and explained they were all available for pre-sale.

"Yeah....and I care why. And who is that guy?" He didn't understand.

"Maybe you'd recognize that big nose of his better if it was in a red corvette."

His face lit up. After 45 minutes of negotiating, with the owner, we walked out the door with all of the paintings, except for B-12, which i had my own plan for securing.

When the auction began, I brought Johnny Lee, and his new lady friend who had forgotten about her date to sit a few rows behind the PNA. I then whispered to John to bid in number B-12 no matter how high it got, and then slipped away, say I wanted something to drink.

Most of the people there were snobby assholes, and didn't give a fuck about the drinking age, so I poured myself a large glass of red wine. I wasn't going to drink it.

I stood by the liquor table until B-12 came onto the floor. PNA was the first to place a bid, and it was a high one for starter. John looked at me questioningly. I just gave him a nod and waited. John took up the bid, adding on another 100. this went back in forth for a few seconds. Right when it looked like Johnny was about to drop out, I made my way back to the seats. I started to shuffle down PNA's row, until I got to him, at which point I "tripped", spilling red wine all over his white suit. Yeah, I know, who the hell wears a white suit? Anyway, he was so pissed that the "Georgia Hick" ruined his suit, that he forgot about the action for about 7 seconds, which is four second too long, and enough for Johnny to win the bid.

Don't ever fucking cut me off.