this doesn't have a title, aand it's not done =]

Mar 10, 2008

I used to be the 'nice' girl. I smiled so much it was sickening. Everyone used to lean on me with their problems, never even asking me if I needed any help with mine. Maybe because no one realized I had any. No one knew, that deep inside me was this monster, a demon, something evil just waiting to get out, I don't think I even knew about that one. All I did know was that ever since I was a little girl, my father used to come into my room and rape me. All I knew was that my little brother didn't really die by falling down the stairs and smashing his head, my mother pushed him. Another thing I knew, was that I was probably going to become just like them. Whether I liked it or not. I was going to drink more than I should, and let my family down as much as possible. But I didn't want that to happen, I repeatedly told myself it wasn't. And now I'm 16 years old, and it has. No, I'm not an abuser, or an addict, or an alcoholic for that much. I'm just a teenager, who knows what she's getting herself into.
Fall turned to winter, and winter quickly became spring. The smell of the air after a long rain shower was my favorite. I stepped outside and onto the porch. It was 5:35 am, and the sun was just starting to emerge into the sky. I went back in my thoughts and tried to remember the things we were going to do in school today, no tests, nothing important. I wasn't going to go. I slid the sliding door open and stepped into the kitchen. I grabbed myself an apple and bit into it as I slowly walked upstairs and into my room. I placed the apple on my desk and crawled back into bed. I pulled the covers over my head and wondered what kind of mess I was getting myself into by skipping today. Who knows? Probably something bad. Maybe my step-dad would take care of things his way, or maybe neither one of them would come home and I would just skip tomorrow too. That's the way things worked around here, ever since Frankie died, we just haven't been the same family. But, I guess you really can't be when your mom practically kills your three year old brother.
I had just almost drifted back to sleep when I heard a knock on my door. I tried to stay as still and quiet as possible, just in case it was my dad. “Don't worry Haley, it's just me,” I loved that voice, it was my older brother Danny, “Come on, open up. I know you're in there.”
I slowly picked myself up and unlocked my door. Then, without opening it, I slid back in bed. I heard Danny open the door and walk in. I felt him sit on my bed and put his hand on the top of my head.
“You can't skip school again.” He said, stroking my hair. I was 16 years old for Gods sake, I didn't need him telling me what to do. But I enjoyed it, because I knew, he was the only one that cared about me and I didn't ever want to push that away.
“Oh yeah? Just watch me.” I turned my body the other way and closed my eyes.
“Hay, please. Stop doing this. Mom and Dad aren't home and if you skip, they're going to get me for it.” I felt him get up from the bed and walk over to my dresser.
“So? I don't get it Dan. Why do you stay here? You have a car, a job, you could live up to so much better than this. What keeps you here?” It's a question I've asked him almost every day of my life. The answer has always been the same, school and work. I've always been waiting for the truth. I don't know if it's ever going to come.
“I've told you, I have to finish school, I have a job Haley.” He was next to me again. I didn't know what to say.
“Yeah, whatever.” I rolled over and pulled myself completely under the covers. But, I don't really remember when Danny left, because as soon as I closed my eyes, I fell asleep again.
I woke up around noon to find an empty house and a note from Danny. He told me he was going to work and he'd be back later. And it also said to get out of the house and get some food before Dad got home. So, I picked up the ten dollars he left for me and ran out the door.
It was nicer than it was this morning. The air still smelled as if the rain just stopped. I ran down the street, feeling the wind in my hair, and the cold air brushing against my face. There was nothing better than this feeling. I finally got to the corner and stopped, should I go left and go to the corner diner? Or should I go right, and go to the corner store to just pick up some junk food and then walk to the beach? I went right.
I walked into the store and quickly headed for the Dorito aisle. Doritos were my secret weakness. I could never turn down a bag. I grabbed the cooler ranch ones. I then grabbed a big can of iced tea and walked over to the cash register. I scanned the magazines for a good one to buy and picked an US Weekly. It was about how pathetic Brittany is, and a bunch of other crap celebrity lives. I liked reading about things like that, it made me forget how much my life sucked.
“Skipping school again Haley?”I looked up and saw Sarah. She was always working around this place and since I come here so much, we kind of developed a friendship.
“Yeah, well, you win some, you loose some, and sometimes you just don't feel like going to school.” I smiled and handed her the $7 i owed her.
“I hear ya sister. Why do you think I dropped out? I mean, I'm 19 years old, I'm doing fine. I got a job, a boyfriend, a place to live, and I can afford the rent just fine.” She handed me the change and started to bag the Doritos.
“Yeah, well, no offense, but I wouldn't wanna be working here for a living.” I stole the bag out of her tattooed arm and started out the door.
“Like you said kid, you win some, you loose some.”
I closed the door behind me and tried to figure out if what she just said made any sense at all. I headed north on Davis Boulevard and kept going. The lake was only a five minute walk from my house.
It got colder and colder as I approached the beach. I took the hoodie I had around my waist and placed it on myself. I climbed over the gate that said NO TRESPASSING and made my way to the water. It was so beautiful here.
I used to come here all the time with my dad. My real dad. Before my parents got divorced and my mom married Henry. My dad was practically my best friend. I mean, I was only five and besides him, I only really hung out with Danny. But, regardless we still had so much fun. My life was like a storybook then. Picture perfect. Then he moved to California, my mom met Henry, and it all just became a blur. I don't usually like admitting that Henry used to rape me, but I guess it's just something I'll have to deal with. The only person I've ever told was Bella, my pretty much best friend.
I guess, if I was asked, I would tell you my life's a little fucked up. My mom's never home, she works a double shift at her job, and goes to counseling every night. My step-dad only comes home when he's not with his whore or at work, which is kind of the same thing.
Now, I'm not saying we don't have money. We live in a decent size house, and when I need to I can go shopping and get clothes at the high end stores. And I'm not saying I'm one of those emo freaks either. No matter how depressed or cynical I am. I don't think I'll ever let myself sink that low.
I guess I'm pretty popular at school, I've had my fair share of boy toys and I have a lot of friends. It's probably only because my home life, and my school life, are two completely different things. I wonder what anyone would say if they ever found out what was going on inside my head.
I sat down on top of this huge boulder and opened my bag of chips. I sipped my iced tea and read my magazine about three times. Then I flipped open my cell phone and called my mom. Now, for all of you that have a very bad perspective of my mother, please note, she's a good person. She used to be an alcoholic, and maybe a little over the top sometimes, but she's always been there for me. Always. Now, I can't say I treat her the same way I did as before, she's still a bitch to me, but whatever, she's my mom. I figured I'll call her and tell her what I was doing.
I dialed her number and put the sound on loud so I didn't have to hold it up to my ear. I sat there while it rang and rang then went straight to voicemail. Why wasn't she answering? I tried again, this time I turned my phone off speaker and held it up to my ear. But this time, I didn't just hear the ringing in the phone, I heard it around me somewhere. It was that annoying, loudass ring that business type people have on their phones. I put the phone down and looked around me. I saw a bunch of garbage and sticks, then i saw a red flip phone, open and face down in the sand. It was ringing. I hung up my phone, and it stopped.
I got off the rock slowly, and tiptoed over to it. I picked it up. It was my mom's, But why was it there? She never came to the beach, she hated the beach. What did this mean? I quickly spun around and looked in all directions. For a sign of her, a sign of life, or in this case, death, murder even. Then I saw her, she was tucked beneath a rock, her right arm stuck out and hung there, lifeless. Her eyes were glazed over and her mouth was wide open. I knelt down next to her and touched her face. I felt for a pulse, even though I knew the truth. Then I smiled to myself, seems like my life just got a little more fucked up.