I ponder as I ponder

Mar 22, 2008

Lately I've been wanting to make a change. Not just in myself but for the better of those around me.So when I recently found quarter life I thought this would be a great step for me. I feel that where I am physically and mentally and geographically is restricting my capabilitys. And I'm so tired of constantly wanting to change, then realizing that any efforts made really didn't do anything at all. I think my problem is even though I tell myself and others that I don't care what anyone thinks and I'm fine with myself, the truth of the matter is that I'm not.Unfortunately I have a habit of tricking myself into thinking that the "improvements" I make in myself are for me, when really I think these"improvements" will make me more likable or appreciated. I think part of it is that even though I am compassionate for others, I'm still selfish, even though I don't hold myself in the highest of standards, I'm still vain and even though I want so bad to make a difference in this world, I stand still like a lazy fool. Its like this constant battle between who I am and who I want to be and the result is a stalemate.
So how do I do it? How do I cross over enemy lines? I'm so sick of having this passion and being restrained by my own will.I want to be selfless and strong make a difference. And I know that to make a difference in others you must first make a difference in yourself. Its just how to go about it.And that is my delima...