May 30, 2008
so...I wanted to record this whole thought, but the internet was down, and my passion has passed. But...I thought it was worth sharing anyway. It made me feel better when I wrote it down.
Self-awareness is the worst thing that has ever happened to people. At least thoughtful people... I don't know if I'm alone in this (you never can know...), but I am definitely the most influential and, let's face it, important person in my own life. [u]BUT[/u], it is the same for everyone else [u]SO[/u] nobody is ever as important as they conceive themselves to be to other people. People actually don't care that much about you. That is why love is so intoxicating. You finally find a person who will lavish you with the attention you've always wanted (vice-versa, obviously). You need someone to just [u]LOOK AT YOU[/u]. Someone to listen to you talk about the shit that nobody wants to hear and someone who has to comment on your new hair or outfit, etc.
Coming to terms with my own insignificance in the world (universe) has been the most difficult part of my life. I guess the good news is that that means I have had a pretty great life. I know that I am selfish, but I also believe that everyone else selfish in the same way (whether they are willing to admit it or not). It's human nature to put yourself first. I think the only exception to that is mothers, who put their offspring first.
So what I've come to realize is that no, I'm not as wonderful as I let myself believe in my greatest moments of self-veneration. But, even if I was, nobody would ever notice because they'd be too busy preening their own feathers.