so im scared shitless...

Aug 26, 2008

so i leave for college in a few days...something ii never really saw myself doing ya know?
its like life is just going by so fast i just want it to stop for a few moments so i can take it all in. most of my friends either left or started classes already and they seem to be having a pretty good time.

hopefully ii can say the same even though im not sure i will be able to. im not the most socialable on the block and yeah i can sometimes come off as a bitch even when i dont mean too.

its like well i dont really know. i dont know if i can make it on my own. no matter how much people tell me its gonna be okay it just never feels like it will be. ive never been on my own and im soo afriad of the idea i ahve beenrejecing the school and the people there sine orientation. what an i say? i dont like change.

i dont like the possibilty of having to make new friends...people who i may or may not get along with. what if college is just a bunch of hype for me? what if its not the best time of my life? my senior year was suppose to be but it wasnt it. it was just a disappointment. people who i thought were my friends hated me never even thought of inviting me to go out with them on friday or saturday nights. hell they esp forgot about me this summer never once did they attempt to include me in there plans...and even though i acted like i didnt care or it didnt matter to me... it did.

even now tears roll down my eyes when i think about how much fun my so called friends have without me and they rather have it that way. like i dont know whats so wrong with me that im not good enough to hang with outside of school with. im just the girl people hang out with when noone's around but as soon as others show up im not good enough to be around. and i just didnt get it and i still dont.

and when i try to be nice or get involved people think im up to no good when i just want a friend. i want someone i can talk to nomatter whta the situation is. someone whse gonna deal with me and invite me out with them and include me in their lives. thats all. i would be more than willing to do the same if ii know i can trust that person no matter what. but i cant find that person.

and everytime i think i have im proven wrong. because that person doesnt look at me as a "best friend" just a person they can talk to every now and than. whats wrong with me? am i doomed to be alone with thirty cats and never knowing what the true meaning of happiness is. will i forever cry myself to sleep and lie to myself and others that im fine and that everthing is okay?

will it be like this forever? what if i cant find anyone i really connect with? than what? what if college is just a big waste and i never find out what im good at...and the reason why is because i was never good at anything to begin with...

am i always gonna have this cloud of failure drifting over my head...my insecurties and thoughts of how pathetic i am haunting me for the rest of my days. yes i know the decision is up to me but i dont know if im capable of doing this college thing alone or anything alone for that matter...

its like what am i here for? why am i here? ami just one big joke? am i the fat kid everybody makes fun of and laughs at? do i have a purpose? or is my purpose to fail? to be the example of what not to do. who not to be. i have no talents no skills im pretty damn useless...i dont know

ii guess ii am what ii am...and if ii dont figure out who i want to be...i will never find the true meaning of happiness because thats all ii want in life

is to be happy...and not temporarily happy...i wanna know nno matter what heartache or bullshit i go through at the end of theday at the end of my life i wanna know that i am happy...

ps sorry for all tah misspelling and grammar mistakes...im not an english major