4th Blog

Mar 02, 2008

I'm young enough to recount my high school days with a vivid memory, and I remember when I was class president. I was so excited, always spirited and truly in love with the idea of our class family until I was president. I had these idealistic ideas that we would raise money for charities and volunteer, help people in our community less fortunate than us. It didn't take a long time to realize that no one cared. All they wanted was money for prom. prom. prom. prom. I tried and tried to push my idealistic ways but I kept getting rejected. So, I gave in...I raised the entire $70,000 we used for prom in one semester. Then, I resigned, left student government...and never participated in anything. I never went to that prom.

And, I remember that, before all of it, I wanted to remember my high school days. But, as a child of the 21st century, I hated writing and the idea of a diary disgusted me. So, I would write things on my computer...yeah, basically a diary. Haha. I found this today:

"Wikipedia says---Loneliness is an emotional state in which a person experiences a powerful feeling of emptiness and isolation. Loneliness is more than the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person. Loneliness is a feeling of being cut off, disconnected and alienated from other people.---I wonder if I'm the only one who feels like this."

I look back on it and I just think...why haven't I dreamed? When was the last time I dreamed? I never grew up thinking I would become a rock star or an astronaut or anything. I never had a dream. I don't have anything in my life that I would risk my life to hold on to. My friends, my family, my education, my job...nothing that grasps my soul and the thought of losing it brings tears to my eyes and a cold sweat and desire to run and protect it. Nothing. I've never been in a relationship whose ending devastated me or even hurt me. I left my parents without a gesture and I left my job to volunteer in a day. I am completely envious - dangerous already, aren't I - of people who have a passion. I don't care what it is. Just someone who loves what they do...loves anything!

I listen to music or read a book each of which can bring me to the verge of tears, lifting my emotions and playing with them as if they were meaningless. And I let it. Because it's something I love - to feel. But I don't write music. I don't write books. I don't pursue these things because I don't...well, I don't know why. I don't think I really want to. The idea of spending my life reading or listening to music seems unnatural and unfulfilling...even though it might be just what I love.