Female • 22 • Raleigh , NC • United States
Status... Single
Orientation... Straight
I'm into... life
I'm working on... breathing
My sites... http://www.myspace.com/missrenegadeyasin
interests.
Music
- ,Rilo Kiley,Shiny Toy Guns,Feist,Kate Nash,Rodrigo y Gabriela,Mark Ronson,Death Cab for Cutie,Tegan and Sara,M.I.A,Simon & Garfunkel,Interpol,Cat Stevens,Grand Ole Party,Tilly and the Wall,The Velvet Underground,The Smiths,Neutral Milk Hotel,The Beatles,La Mala Rodriguez,Metric,Emily Haines,Radiohead,Bob Dylan,
Books
- ,Memoirs of a Geisha,White Teeth,Lolita,Reading Lolita in Tehran,High Fidelity,The Virgin Suicides,Fight Club,Survivor,Running with Scissors,anything by David Sedaris,Rebecca,Diary,
Films
- ,The Royal Tenenbaums,Marie Antoinette,Office Space,The Virgin Suicides,Say Anything,High Fidelity,Closer,Matchpoint,The Illusionist,Stardust,Superbad,Moulin Rouge,Strangers with Candy,American Beauty,The Producers,Teen Witch,
Television Shows
- ,My-So-Called Life,Freaks and Geeks,Sex and the City,Lipstick Jungle,The Office,and quarterlife,
about me.
All I can tell you is certain things about myself. I am just changing so much right now that I can't put my finger on the whole picture. I am a thinking slob. I believe in clutter. I know what people are thinking and feeling and I can't help but hate myself for it. I am obsessed with school, probably because I am afraid of who I am if I were stripped of academics. I have a lot of boxes. I am Muslim. I am a woman. My siblings are mentally disabled. I am Palestinian. I never fit in with the kids that I grew up with. I write a lot. I am naturally a shy and awkward person, even though I am extremely outgoing right now. I don't care what people think of me, and that scares me. I don't get along with my mother. I sleep way too much. I want to do a lot of things. I am afraid of a lot of things. I don't drive. I have a high threshold for embarassment. I can be sarcastic and mean. I only have brothers.
latest ugq upload.
Alright Alright
Mar 12, 2008
So I had this really terrible day. And this is basically my tenth blog.
Who am I?
This question hasn't bothered me more than it does today or this semester or this week. This semester just seems like one large mistake, and I hate being so unsure of myself. What happened to this confident girl that I thought I was? I have always been so driven. So ambitious. I am scared that those are what kept me going through school. These qualities are what fooled people into thinking that I was actually smart. I hate myself for this so much that I don't even know where to start. So people sit there and tell me that in the long run my GPA and stuff won't matter but what if it does? What if all of this. All of the way that I am fucking up really matters and I am not worth anything in the end. Maybe I should have done something that was easy for me. I know that you are supposed to challenge yourself in uni but how am I supposed to freaking do that if all I can do is compete with everyone else. I am not competitive. I don't know how to be that way. I am driven--there is a big difference.
I got a C+ on my political science test. I have never gotten a grade that low on a humanities test. This semester has been a bunch of fail for me thus far. My GPA is a 3.554, and I need it to get up to at least a 3.7. It was a 3.607 at the start of the spring of 2007, but that changed once TT 252 and TT341 totally kicked my ass. Good times. I guess school and I we aren't too good of friends. I shouldn't be so focused on this but I really can't help it.
Maybe it is just the fact that I am so damn confused that I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. I have been just thinking about this the whole day. I am just completely lost. I feel like I don't fit into my own body. Promise I am not on drugs. Have I lost my mind? I am just not the person that I was.
I know everything is before England and after England. My question is this; will I ever get over England? I am trying so very hard to move on and just live my life but it is so hard. Everything is moving so fast and I can't make the most of anything.
I keep saying that I am going to do something about this or that but things just get worse.
How much longer until I completely fall apart?
03/12/08 20:59 PST
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