Communication That Works

February 27, 2008

If your attempts to communicate end somewhere between shouting matches and strained, unresolved silence, then you may need tips for communication that works. Talking-it-out needs to be more than just talk.

If your goal in communicating is to BE RIGHT, you won’t convince anybody. If your goal is for each party to feel free to express their needs, feelings and wants, then you’ve already made a good start.

The most important skill in communicating is LISTENING. You may wonder how you’ll ever be heard if you just listen. But listening, without judgment, will create an atmosphere of safety such that communication can occur. To really hear the other person means to not jump to your own defense or jump to tell the person he/she is wrong- even if you believe the person is wrong. It means to listen intensely, to try to really understand what they’re saying-- and then to mirror it back.

Mirroring goes something like this: “So you’re really upset I haven’t paid you back yet. I can see this is hard for you.” To respond with a mirror instead of arguing or anger defense can change the whole mood of the talk from combat to cooperation. Instead of all your thoughts being about how to defend yourself, and all your energy used on being mad, you can free so much of yourself to BE with the other person, to really hear them. Everyone wants to be taken seriously, and it feels wonderful when you are.

Another important skill in communication is how you present your complaint (how you talk to others). We frequently blame (“You make me so mad”) and shame (“How could you!), to make others listen to us-- but blame and shame just cause them to put up walls. Instead try this:

°Describe the problem: “You haven’t paid me back yet.”
°State your feelings about it: “I’m angry and feel unimportant to you.”
°Ask for what you need or want: “I want you to pay me back.” Or: “I need to know if I’m important to you.”
°State consequences, not threats: “I can’t make loans to you when you don’t repay me.”

You don’t need anger and arguing and loud voices. You don’t need to try to control how others respond. You also don’t need silence as a retreat or a way to punish. You can have long, meaningful conversations when you both stay aware of how you listen to each other and how you present your own feelings and needs. You can create the safety to lower defenses and be real-- to talk about yourselves and your concerns without arguing or yelling or shutting down.

What I’ve described takes practice, like learning a new language, and not everyone you know will want to participate. You might feel a bit shaky saying what you really feel and want-- or not protecting yourself with anger, arguing or silence. Those are patterns of communication you are familiar with-- you’ve probably used them since childhood-- but they don’t work if you want good communication. You can do things differently if you want. We are all capable of creating good communication in our lives. We are all capable of so much more than we know.

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By: Lynne Koch