I want to tell you everything. Why I can't say anything?

Feb 13, 2008 - 03:47 AM PST
I have a zillion thoughts, so much I want to tell you, so much I feel the need to express... only I can't seem to start writing. The idea of expressing everything seems so mounting and enormous I'm intimidated and can't seem to think of anything to express.

I've never done this before. It feels weird. I'm nervous, but I'm not sure what, of since I don't know anyone on here, so no one will read this. I'm a fan of journaling, never really understood 'blogs', but now that I'm trying it feels right somehow. Maybe its because my thoughts can materialize so much faster through typing, I don't have that frustrating battle with myself when my fingers madly scribble and my mind races on without looking back.
When I step back at look at this whole situation, I feel hypocritical. Making one of these pages, filling it with my thoughts about myself, my life, my opinions; the idea is so unlike me. I tend to be a 'go' person. I would rather walk the walk than talk or think about it. This whole idea of pouring my energy into a cyberspace social network sort of makes me feel emo, but I'm going to give it a try. I'm realizing as I write: this is for me, nobody else. I need to stop, be still, and think. Writing about topics I care about is like therapy. I need this in my life right now, a place to gather my thoughts and feelings. So, here goes...


I don't act like it, but I am secretly and cripplingly self-conscious. My life has become such a disaster I'm ashamed to share the entire truth about it even with my closest friends. I compartmentalize my life, and I keep the compartments secret and distant from each other.

- I have my family. They let me live with them, dysfunctional as they are, they put up with me, they love me and I love them... only they don't know that they don't know anything about me.

- I have my friends from high school. Scattered all over, connected my technology, we've all remained one huge close group, and that has been great. They are one constant in my life right now, I know that that love is always there. Although secretly, the guilt about not being able to share my entire life with them overwhelms me. Even though I might feel comfortable enough to share my troubles with them now, I would have to give so much background, so much explaining, reveal so many secrets I've kept for so long... it just doesn't seem worth it.

- I have my best friend (vanessa). She truly is my other half, and knows more of me more than anyone else. Problem is, shes across the state... and her life has way more issues than mine. But I am thankful for her everyday, and know how lucky I am to have her.

-I have my college friends, who I just haven't made enough effort with to really form those deep bonds that make a comfortable long-lasting friendship. Maybe it's because I don't want another compartment. I don't want any of them to become such a part of my life that I have to keep things from them so they will stay in my life.

-I have my secret relationship. Whomever it happens to be with at the time, and however much they vary thought the years, they all have one constant: no one else in my life knows that they exist (except Vanessa, usually)


And so, dear blog, this is where you come into my life. I need to be able to express myself, write about my life (my entire real, true, disaster of a life) with out the fear of rejection or judgment. Keeping all these secrets weights on me, wears me down, and lately its become destructive. I'm going to bed now, but just knowing that I have this outlet now might actually bring me some real sleep.
here's hoping.

g'night.

I want to tell you everything. Why I can't say anything?


Channel Mind | 442 Views | 4 Comments
     

4 Comments

May 27, 2008 - 10:55 AM

rabidplatypus on
we thonk we are weird because we feel things that we "shouldn't". We think we are all alone in this feeling. But I have recently found that almost everyone is that way. We all feel the end to compartmentalize our lives. Do this with these people, do this at this place, but not to cross different aspects of who you are because you might find that friends are not as close as you once thought. This is not EMO, this is what it means to be a 20 something, figure out where you fit in life, find people who really are your friends. I know how hard it is having that person you feel you can talk to about anything and they go and move away. Mine is 3 states away now and married, so I may be losing her. Find yourself, find your place and you may see this line of thinking less.
May 21, 2008 - 14:18 PM

endofhistory on
I'm not much of a blogger myself. I'm not really open about much of anything to anyone, so having just a place to put your words down and have some anonymous person take a peek into your life is healthy, I guess. It's all very counter-intuitive but I've grown to like it. I think you will to. Keep on writing, you're good at it and it helps.
May 01, 2008 - 16:05 PM

MariaAngina on
Welcome to the most Emo virtual community out there :) I have secret relationships too. Its really hard to get details out of me because I'm either embarrassed or don't want people to be talking about me behind my back because knowing that gossip is brewing somewhere annoys me in some way. I'm slowly giving myself away and being honest, but I know some day, it'll bite me in the a$$. Good luck with your life and your blog.
Feb 15, 2008 - 21:01 PM

jholt on
I must say.... I am impressed with your courage. It isn't easy to consciously pour out inner demons in a public venue. And although this is for you and your efforts to suffice the darkness in your life, I have read it and can empathize with the tangled knot that is a so called life.

I think I am also apprehensive about the idea of writing my thoughts. I don't particularly like the type of effort it requires and the subsequent effects that follow with said effort. A sort of obtuse nature of it all, not organic, not natural or flowing. I don't know...

I'd like to leave you with a quote I have on my page and one that has always resonated a pitch of clarity in my life:

"The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you."