How to Talk Your Way Out of a Speeding Ticket

Sep 29, 2007 - 00:24 AM PST
Everybody knows speed limits are for sissies. Here's how to really rock 'n roll... without having to pay the Fuzz an awfully large toll.

Things You'll Need

* Southern accent
* Long eyelashes
* Flare for drama
* Sex change if you're not female
* Rasputin-like gaze

Step One
The officer will ask you why you think he pulled you over. This is where you make a choice. You can either:

Step Two
Play Stupid
(Insert southern accent) "Was I speedin'? I'm a huge Flinstones fan. I plumb believed I could stop this vehicle with my feet, and shucks if it didn’t work. Know what I'm sayin', Snoop Double-D?"

Step Three
Appeal to His Inner-hero (While Still Feigning Stupidity)
Tell him you're feeling suicidal and were about to drown yourself in the carpool lane, "Until you came along ... you big, polar bear of a man. Can I get a whoop-whoop? Or perhaps a Zoloft slurpie?"

(And if that doesn't work, offer to shave the Wookie hair off his back. Straight blade. Old school style.)

Step Four
Scare Him
Now that he's thoroughly confused, start coughing. Tell him you have a rare form of Avian Flu, flap your hands and scream "TWEET!"

Step Five
Intrigue Him
Tell him he looks like a music lover. Ask him if he realizes that you played bass for 38. Special. "Remember that song, 'So Caught Up in You, Little Girl?' I was that little girl, you big hunk of blue pig heaven."

Step Six
Elicit His Sensitive Side
Tell him you have a preemie at home -- the size of a Raisinnet -- and right now it's in a candy dish by the side of your bed (mixed in with the M&Ms and nuts). "Sir, I need to get home right now before some wayward hiker confuses my child with GORP."

Step Seven
Mystify Him
Ask him if he knows what your favorite flavor of ice cream is. When he says, "No, Ma'am, I don't," you look him in his big dumb cop eyes and tell him, "I like me one scoop of 'Cop Chunk Chip' and a scoop of 'Alpha Hick Swirl.'" Bat your eyes and drool just enough to let him know you mean business. Repeat coughing, hand flapping and this time scream, “Betty Lou’s getting down tonight, bee-atch!”

Step Eight
Go esoteric
Tell him that talking to him makes you feel like a piece of deep dish pizza. When he tells you, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, I don’t understand,” drive over his useless man hooves and yell, “Toodle Loo, you Toothless Man Fairy. Good luck in the idiot protection program!”

How to Talk Your Way Out of a Speeding Ticket


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2 Comments

May 03, 2008 - 18:55 PM

crosstheline on
This made me laugh. Pretty awesome.
Sep 30, 2007 - 07:58 AM

peter3jane on
Damn the qualification list! This is why I get a ticket every time I'm pulled over.