just another night

Mar 23, 2008 - 23:57 PM PST
Got back from the bar. Early night, shitty tips. Happy easter, i guess. Though i stopped being a Christian a couple years back.
i spent my easter lunch with my boyfriend, Bens family. And while i was there i kept thinking, "The only reason I am investing in these peoples is because i want to marry Ben." But really, i have no idea if that will even happen. Or why i think about it so often... i mean, there is no rush, really.
I kind of just feel like i don't want to even love him or date him now if it won't result in that. I am nothing like this in other relationships, but with him.... i love too much.
I think about him in pretty much all my day dreams. The nights we don't sleep next to each other, i long for him. He drives me crazy at times, makes me so mad, i have to baby him too much, but i still just can't get enough.
I fear i may love too much.
this love makes me impatience . it makes me worry too much about a future i have no control over, anyways. It makes me envision a future that may never come to be. it makes me invested in words i haven't even heard or said yet. it makes me question every little action because it's so scary to think of loosing him, again.
I know that i should think of my future without considering others, i should think of my own personal goals and wants. But what happens when the thing you have wanted most for your life is love. love that encompasses all. love that people read about. love that transcends words.
so if that is what i have always wanted, and to create a family from that.... then why not focus so much on him?


argh, i am dramatic.

just another night


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1 Comments

Mar 27, 2008 - 12:14 PM

Franchise on
It could be that you're just in love with love. The idea of it and how it makes you feel. That love is personified in this Ben. I thought I was in love a few years back with this Norwegian blondie. Fact is, I was in love with the fact that she loved me more than I loved her. Now that is not love.