relationships and marriage

Mar 11, 2008 - 17:52 PM PST
I'm 23 years old and I am maid of honor in a wedding in June. The bride is my father's fiance. I am really struggling with having to do all of the typical "maid of honor" duties for her. I am not close with her. I resent her existence. I was close to my mom and I have not recovered from my mom's death...I probably won't recover for a really long time, if ever. So, it is reasonable for my dad to expect me to do all of these things for his soon to be wife? Why can't he see how complicated it is for me? I try to talk to him and tell him how I feel and he pretty much just tells me to grow up and not to use what happened to my mom as a crutch. I don't use it as a crutch, but I am a realist. None of my relationships have been the same since my mom died. It was quite a head trip when I realized that I was not going to marry the last boyfriend of mine she ever met.

Before my first date with the current boy I couldnt decide whether I wanted to tell him about this part of my life (again, the whole letting him in thing), but after a couple beers I just blurted out the following statement: "My mom died when I was 21 and my dad is getting re-married in June. That is what is going on in my life right now." Then I apologized for getting that personal on a first date and he was just like, "well, it is what is going on in your life so don't ever apologize for sharing with me." Yeah, he's good. One time I told him that my mom would probably really like him, and he knew it was a compliment but I'm not sure if he appreciated how much of a compliment. ::sigh:: maybe if I actually shared things with him instead of holding back he would understand...

When I was younger, I thought I wouldn't want to get married until I was completely independent. Then, I moved out of my parents' house (we will revisit the issue of whose house it is) and into a studio apartment in DC to start law school, and all I can think about is wanting to get married. I go to class every day and I work hard, but when the current boy asked me what I'm most proud of, getting into and being successful in law school doesn't even make the top 10. I am proud of the fact that parents trust me to take care of their children. I am proud of the fact that the babies I cared for the summer before I started undergrad still remember me. I am proud of the fact that when my family needed me to come home and take care of hospice care and funeral arrangements, I did it. All of these things I'm proud of have to do with family in one way or another. I want to create my own family. I want to have a husband and children, but I know I'm not ready for that right now. Even though I'm not ready for it right now, I feel like I want to be closer to that life.

relationships and marriage

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Mar 11, 2008 - 19:23 PM

wakeupwriting on
Wow I can't imagine how uncomfortable that is for you. Are there other bridesmaids to help or are you the sole attendant? Your father's fiance probably thought you'd be honored to be asked to be the MOH, but probably didn't think about how hard it would be on you. Maybe she would understand, but it sounds like its hard to approach the subject with her or your father. He probably is pushing away the past himself, and if he wants to get past it, he needs everyone around him to as well. Sounds like the best thing to do is just stick it out and hate it, but if it gets to unbearable, I don't think the fiance would think any less of you if you told her you felt uncomfortable about the whole thing. Even if she did, it is what it is, you know. Good luck!