ya know...

Jan 31, 2008

i was just thinking..that no one probably even reads these so I suppose I can be completely honest with myself since this is my blank canvas for me to spread my ideas out...
I'm an artist. I hate that I never put all of myself into it. My dad has always been there for me and supported me in about everything I ever wanted to do. There was a time in my life that the artistic flow was enormous and it was pouring out onto canvases, sketch pads, velum paper, and even notebooks. He once asked me if I was serious about the "art thing", as he called it. He supported me but always reminded me that being a starving artist doesn't pay well. He'd say "What are you gonna do? sit by the ocean and paint all day?" I felt like he wanted me to choose something more realistic, something that paid better. I know being a famous artist is long shot, but I still wanted to pursue it. I expected too much of myself and started getting very frustrated. I would have an image in my mind of what I wanted to convey. When it wouldn't produce I'd start over or chuck it in the trash, sometimes out the window. LOL It was at this time I started to be anon-believer, I didn't think I could be great or at least better than I was. It was the last time I picked up the paint brush. It wasn't until 2006, that working at Hobby Lobby, made me pick it up again. I worked as a Certified Framing Specialist. I felt somewhat at home there. Surrounded by art supplies, my inner-artist who I had suppressed came back to life. I started painting again. So I moved to Indianapolis to try again in school. I attended The Art Institute. I felt like a fish out of water. Big city, little to no money, staying with my best friend Mike, no eating much=lost weight...all of these factors overwhelmed me. I missed my family too much and when the school said they'd work with me and help me out I felt relieved. Well they lied. So I had to move out of my friends apt. and moved in with my gay friend Rob. In amidst all of this I had met accidentally who was just a friend at first, Jayson, turned out to be the love of my life-my savior. Moved in with him despite all the reasons I should've just tucked my tail and ran home.
Currently I am just working for money basically. I would like to get back to school but at this time I don't want to stop working. As trivial it may seem and probably really is, I like working there.
In the meantime I use my camera to the best of its abilities to capture anything and everything I feel is worth my time. Lately I have been taking less only because I've been really busy with work and being sick. I hope to get back into the swing of things.