My Guide...

Feb 04, 2008

This is a work in progress...tell me what you think so far.

My Guide chapters 1 - 6
My Guide to Surviving a Cruise Vacation with the Family of a Friend
by john

“Jingle bells! Jingle Bells, jingle all the way!” I look around me in disbelief at the people singing, very poorly I might add. I notice a group of teenage girls walk by us; they point and giggle as they run down the hall. I sigh and lay my head back; letting the people finish their rendition of the song. Wow, these people make those dogs that bark jingle bells sound good.
Finally they finish. I glance at my watch and – wow, I never knew that you could make Jingle Bells go on for seven and a half minutes. Uncle One stands up and puts on a Santa hat. “OK guys,” he begins as I sink lower in my seat. “It’s time for the gift exchange.” The kids cheer loudly, drawing more attention to us (as if that were possible). Uncle One clears his throat and continues. “We usually start with grandma first and work our way to the youngest.” He turns and looks at me. Crap. “Now we all know that grandma isn’t here this year-“
“She went to meet Hershel’s family,” says Tall Cousin as if every body on the boat didn’t already know.
Uncle One smiles at the statement and hands me a package. “Now, I know you aren’t grandma, but for this trip are.”
I sit in the chair motionless. They’re all looking at me. If I close my eyes maybe they’ll all go away.
“Do you feel OK?” asks Aunt Two.
I peak one eye open and see them all staring at me still. I sigh, open the other eye, and slowly rip the paper off of the package. “Now I just want you to know,” says Aunt One, “that we bought this when we still thought that Mom was coming, so I’m not real sure how much you’ll like it.”
“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” I say forcing a smile. I remove the rest of the paper…”Wow. The Christmas issue of Martha Stewart Living.”
“There’s more,” Aunt One gives me another package.
I open this package and I’m just as thrilled with this as I was with the magazine. “Oh wow…an herb garden starter kit.”
The whole family starts to laugh and talk amongst themselves as I lean my head against the wall and try to figure out how I got here.

1
Take Off
It was my first day of Winter Break from college. I was enjoying the house to myself, watching a cheesy talk show and eating cheesy chips when the phone rang. After five rings and seeing the person wasn’t going to hang up I picked up the phone. “Hello?”
“Dominic?
“Oh, hey Luke.” I change the station to MTV.
“What’s going on?”
“Not much, just watching TV. Enjoying having the house to myself.”
“When are your parents coming home?”
“Not until after New Years.”
“So you’re spending the whole holiday by yourself?”
“I’m going to have Christmas Dinner with my aunt and uncle. And I’ll hang out with friends from high school. Why the sudden interest in my life?”
“Well, I have a proposition for you.”
I take a drink of my soda. “What’s that?”
“Well my family is going on a cruise for Christmas-“
“Yes I know, you’ve only told me about a hundred times.”
“Right…well anyway, how would you like to go with us?”
“What?”
“My grandma isn’t going so we have an extra ticket.”
I sit up and put the phone up to my other ear. “Why isn’t she going?”
Luke sighs. “Her boyfriend proposed to her and wants her to meet his kids.”
I can’t help myself from laughing, but I can tell that Luke doesn’t find it very funny. “I don’t know,” I finally say.
“C’mon. Please. The ticket’s non-refundable, and grandma really likes you. She actually suggested that I invite you.”
“Can you do that? I mean let one person use someone else’s ticket?”
“She said that she’s taken care of it. So basically it’s already yours.”
Great. I was kind of looking forward to having some tome to myself. “OK. I guess.”
“Oh that’s great dude! We’ll pick you up at 6:45 tomorrow morning for the airport.”
“Sounds good.”
“OK, well I need to finish packing. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Later.” I hang up the phone and walk to my room to pack. I grab my duffle bag from college and put a couple pairs of underpants in it. I open a drawer to get a shirt but the drawer is empty. I look next to my feet at the laundry basket full of a semester’s worth of dirty clothes. I sigh and pick up the basket and take it to the laundry room. I spend about five minutes looking at the washer, detergent, and my clothes. “I have no idea how to do laundry,” I say out loud.
I walk out of the laundry room to the kitchen where mom left her credit card on the table with a note. “Emergencies Only.” I’d say that going on a cruise and having no clothes is an emergency. So I pocket the card and head to the mall.

I’m wakened the next morning by a car honking. I look at the clock and see that they’re late so I hop out of bed and pull on a ski cap. I stick a piece of gum in my mouth to cure the morning breath, slip on a pair of sandals and a sweatshirt, grab my bag and walk out of the front door. I toss my bag in the trunk and climb in the car between Luke and his brother, Jamie.
“Good morning Dominic,” says his mom.
I yawn and smile. “Good morning. Thanks for inviting me.”
“Think nothing of it,” she says as the dad backs out of my driveway. Once we are on the main road Luke’s mom looks at me in the mirror. “How were classes this quarter?”
“Oh they were fine.”
“How do you think you did?”
Well I went to the first week of classes. Then I went to the last three weeks of classes to try to learn 10 weeks worth of stuff. “I’m sure I did fine,” I say finally.
She smiles and turns her attention to rummaging through her purse for something.
The rest of the ride is in silence, except for the Christmas music that is way too loud for 7 a.m. Luckily the airport is only about ten minutes away. When we get there Luke’s dad drops us off at the door with the bags while he goes to park the car.
“Good morning folks,” says a pile of clothes by the door. Oh…there’s a man in that pile. Well, at least there’s a man’s nose in there. “Would you like to check your bags here?”
“Actually I think I’d rather do it inside,” says Luke’s mom, shivering in capri pants, t-shirt and hoodie jacket. I know we’re going to Mexico but it’s still only 15 degrees here.
“OK,” says the pile of clothes taking the bags behind his little counter to begin checking them.
“Uh, excuse me-“
“So where are you folks going?”
No one says anything. The hood, hat, and scarf turn the nose so it’s pointing at us. “We’re going to Mexico,” says Luke.
“What part?”
“Umm…”
“Progresso,” says Luke’s mom.
“On a cruise?” asks the clothes.
“Yes,” says Luke’s mom through her chattering teeth.
“I went on a cruise there last summer. I say don’t waste your money.”
Luke, Jamie, and their mom stare at the man. “Thanks for the advice,” says Luke’s mom as she looks at her watch, “But I think it’s a little late now.”
“Are these all of your bags?” Ooh, the pile of clothes is copping a tude.
Luke looks over the counter and counts the bags.
“Back away from the counter sir or I will be forced to call security!”
“How am I supposed to know if you have all the bags if you won’t let me count them?”
You really don’t want to get Luke angry this early in the morning.
“I never said you couldn’t count them!”
“I can’t count them if I can’t go near the counter!”
I pull my hat down over my head and back away as people begin to look at us.
“Raise your voice at me again and I will have you arrested!”
Luke opens his mouth but his mom grabs him and pulls him back before he can say anything. “We had nine bags,” she snaps at the man.
The nose points down and bobs while it counts the bags. “OK, they’re all here. Would you like help taking these in?”
“No!” we all say. Well Luke yells it. But that doesn’t matter because the pile of clothes starts to load the bags on one of those trolley things. Luke’s dad walks up and puts his arms around Luke’s mom.
“What’s going on here?” he asks.
Luke is about to say something but both Jamie and his mom stop him.

Finally we get in the building. “You’ll want to take your bags over there,” says the pile of clothes, pointing to one of those x-ray machine things.
“I’ll take them,” says Luke’s dad. “Who wants to come with me?”
Luke is literally steaming and we all see it. “Uh, why doesn’t Dominic go with you? Jamie and I will try to calm Luke down a bit.”
“OK,” I shrug as I follow Luke’s dad to the x-ray machine. He puts the trolley sky cab thing by the attendant and we go to the other end to make sure everything is ok. When we get there one of the attendants is going through a black garment bag.
“Is that ours?” Luke’s dad asks me.
“Dunno.”
He leans over the divider and watches the man. “I think that’s my bag,” he says. The man ignores him. “I don’t remember this.” Luke’s dad picks up a yellow container and shakes it.
“Please put that down sir!” says the airport employee.
“I’m just trying to figure out what it is.”
“You are not allowed to go through the bags!”
“Are these your clothes Dominic?”
“No, all of my stuff is in my duffle bag.” I look over and see my bag is still on the trolley. I poke Luke’s dad. “Uh, all of out stuff is over there on that trolley thing.” He looks at me blankly. “That isn’t your stuff.”
Luke’s dad goes red as his wife walks up. “Dominic, you can go over with the boys, I’ll wait here.”
“OK.” I walk across the corridor to where Luke and Jamie are sitting next to some other people.
“Hey Dominic, this is my aunt and uncle,” he proceeds to tell me their names but I really don’t care. I’ll just call them Aunt and Uncle One. Then he introduces their kids. Some girl and Tall Cousin. The girl is hidden under a giant sweatshirt. I think she’s sleeping. Tall cousin is about my age, really tall and skinny. I’d beat him up if he were in my high school.
“Nice to meet you,” I say.
“You know you took Grandma’s place on this trip?” asks Tall Cousin.
“Yes.”
“I’m going to call you Grandma for this entire trip-“
“Don’t,” I say a little meaner than intended
“Are you guys ready to go to the plane?” asks Luke’s mom.
Everyone gets up and walks down the hall. Tall Cousin “bumps” into me, knocking me into the wall.
“Sorry.” Snooty tone.
I sigh and follow behind the group. Not too far away is the metal detector checkpoint place. We get in line, which is surprisingly long for 7.30 in the morning. Seeing that this line is going nowhere I move to the next line and get to the security lady right away.
“Good morning,” she says.
“Oh good morning.”
“I need you to put your bag and shoes on that conveyer belt and then you can walk through the metal detector.” I do as told and walk to the other side. “OK, thanks. Have a great trip.”
“Oh thank you.” I grab my bag and shoes. “Have a nice day.”
“Thank you.”
I walk over to a chair and put my shoes on. Finally the rest of the group are almost to the security people. First is Jamie, then Tall Cousin. They come and sit by me to put their shoes on. “Hey dude, did they find your drugs?” I ask Tall Cousin. One of the security people comes over to us and takes Tall Cousin with him in a separate room.
I laugh as I stand up to wait for Luke. Jamie stands next to me. “That really wasn’t cool.”
I turn to apologize to him, but he’s already heading down the hall.
By the time the rest of the family is done Tall Cousin is back and he doesn’t look happy. Maybe I’d better avoid him for a while.

Luke’s Mom stops in front of a restaurant around the corner from the metal detectors. Tall Cousin isn’t paying attention and walks into her and falls. Ha. What a dumb ass. I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have said that.
“Are you OK?” asks Luke’s Mom.
Tall Cousin stands up and dusts himself off. “I’m good,” he says, as his face grows more and more red.
“We still have an hour before the plane leaves,” Luke’s Mom says, ignoring Tall Cousin. “Do you guys want to eat?”
Everyone just kind of shrugs and makes neutral noises.
“Well OK,” says Luke’s Mom. She turns around to lead the way to the plane but my stomach yells out in protest. She turns and looks at me. “I couldn’t agree more,” she says as she grabs her stomach. “I’m starved.”
We go in the restaurant and wait to be seated. After nearly five minutes and no sign of a server, Jamie walks into the seating area past the ‘Please Wait To Be Seated’ sign.
“Oh no, Jamie don’t!” yells Aunt One, honestly afraid the airport police will arrest him for not waiting.
A few seconds later he comes back. “This place is completely empty. What are we waiting for?”
“How many?” asks a waitress that appears from nowhere.
Aunt One holds on to her chest and laughs. “You scared me to death!” she says to the waitress.
The waitress chews on the end of her pen and doesn’t look amused. “How many?”
“Nine,” says a voice from behind the group. It’s the girl in the sweatshirt. She should have stayed asleep.
The waitress, whom looks shockingly like Bea Arthur, leads us to a table in the very back of the restaurant. She tosses a menu in front of all of us and goes over to the bar where she shamelessly flirts with the middle aged bartender. Why is there a bar tender here at 7.30 AM?
Ten minutes later we’re still the only ones in the place and she still hasn’t taken our drink orders.
“This is ridiculous,” says Uncle One. “What do you guys want?” Everyone tells him and he writes it down on a napkin. He then walks over to the bar and gives it to the waitress. “Here are our drink orders. If you could get them for us and take our food orders that’d be great.” He leaves her with her mouth open and returns to the table. The bartender gives waitress a drink and places it on the napkin.
A few minutes later she finally comes back to our table. “Welcome to the Airport Pancake Cabin. Can I take your order?”
Everyone gives her his or her order and she (amazingly) takes it to the kitchen. But then she goes back to the bar and continues flirting.
“We only have 40 minutes until the plane leaves,” says Luke.
Luke’s Dad and Uncle One go over to the waitress and say something to her in hushed voices (which is a very rare thing for Luke’s Dad to do). They come back to the table followed by the waitress and a big tray with all of our food.
“Enjoy,” she says with a completely fake smile.
We all take big bites of out food. “How is yours?” asks Luke’s Mom to Luke and Jamie, as she puts her fork down.
They put their forks down too. “Cold,” says Jamie.
“Mine too,” says Luke.
“This is gross,” says sleeping girl cousin with the sweatshirt whom isn’t sleeping anymore.
Luke’s Dad gets up and storms over to the woman and begins yelling. “Why don’t you kids go over to the shop and get a magazine to read on the plane?” says Aunt One as she gives us each $10. We run out of the restaurant as Luke’s Dad starts waving his arms at the waitress.
Across the way at the shop we can still hear Luke’s Dad yelling at waitress. I pretend I don’t know him and go look at magazines. I pick up the newest fitness magazine and flip through the pages when Tall Cousin walks up and grabs a magazine. I’m going to spend a week with this guy so I’d might as well try to be semi-friendly to him. “What magazine you got there?” I ask.
He hides it behind his back, yells an obscenity at me and runs off to the cashier. Once he’s out of the store I look to my left, where Tall Cousin was standing and see the teen pop star magazines. Now who am I to judge, but I don’t know many college aged guys that read Hollywood Teen Dream.
I pick up an entertainment magazine and a pack of gum and go pay for it. Once we all bought what we wanted we go to meet the adults. We step out of the shop and see Luke’s Dad talking to security guards. I really hope this isn’t a sign of how this trip is going to go.

Miraculously the guards let Luke’s Dad go and we go to wait on our plane. I go off and sit by myself by the window and pull out my cell phone. I dial my mom’s cell number and listen to it ring.
“Hello?”
“Hi.”
“Oh good morning Dominic. You’re up early.”
“Good morning.”
“So why are you up so early?” asks my mom.
“Well last night I got a call from Luke. You’ll never guess what he said.”
“He said that his grandma wasn’t going on the cruise and they wanted you to go instead?”
I chuckle. “How’d you know?”
“Aunt Doris called your dad and me. I can’t believe you told her before you told us!”
“Well you’re in Paris and I didn’t find out till late. I didn’t know the time difference and I didn’t want to wake you.”
She laughs on the other end of the phone. “I know, I’m just messing with you.”
“How has your trip been?”
“It’s great. We went to the Eiffel Tower last night and tonight we’re off to the some museums.”
“That’s great-“ Luke taps me on the shoulder and points to the family all lined up to get on the plane. He mouths the words ‘We have to go’. I nod my head. “Well mom the plane is loading now.”
“OK honey. Have fun and be safe and I’ll see you when you get home.”
“OK. I love you.”
“Love you too.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.” I hang up my phone and get in line.
I’m the last one in line so everyone else is already on the plane when I get there. I must say, I’m not used to traveling on such small planes. I mean it’s big enough, but it’s only two rows with two seats on each side. And there’re nine of us going. That means that one of us has to sit on his own. Meaning I have to sit by myself. I look down the aisle and I see a very large man sitting by himself, wiping sweat off of his face with a rag. Immediately I know that the seat next to him is my seat. I walk down the aisle and look at the seat number. Yep, it’s mine. But I don’t sit down. I stand in the aisle and stare at him for at least ten seconds.
“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” he grunts.
Wow. He must be world’s fattest second grader. I sigh and sit down. I reach to my right and get half of the seat belt. I try to stick it in the other half but the other half is buried under hundreds of pounds of lard. Damn. I kind of try to look for the other part when I feel something drip on the head. “You have got to be kidding me,” I say as I look up and see Fat Man above me, dripping sweat. “Oh hell no!” I yell as I jump into the aisle.
“What’s wrong?” asks the stewardess.
“He just dripped sweat on me!” I yell as I point at him. Tall Cousin laughs at me.
Stewardess hears him laugh and walks over to him. “Excuse me sir, may I see your ticket?” Tall Cousin hands it to her and she hands it to me. She then gives mine to Tall Cousin.
“What the hell?” he asks.
“For security reasons I need to move this young man,” she motions at me, “closer to the front of the plane.”
“No way!”
She looks at the ticket she just gave him. “Oh, well according your ticket this isn’t your seat.”
“That’s not my ticket!”
“Just move William!” yells Aunt One. So tall cousin has a name. I guess I knew that. Tall Cousin moves back and takes my former seat and moans as he tries to put on his seatbelt.
“Thanks,” I say to the stewardess as she leaves.
She smiles at me. “Enjoy your flight.”
I step over the girl cousin and sit in the window seat. I put my seatbelt on and can feel her staring at me. I look at her and say, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen.”
She smiles. “I’m glad it did. I didn’t want to sit next to my brother for the whole flight.”
I smile at her.
“He’s been so pissy since he found out about this trip.”
“What for?”
“Because he won’t get to spend Christmas with his girlfriend.”
“Oh.”
“Do you have a girlfriend?”
Wow. I wasn’t expecting that. “Uh, no. No I don’t.”
“Me either.” She smiles. “Or a boyfriend.”
I smile at her again. “I’m sorry, what was your name again?”
“Jemma. And you’re Dominic, right?”
“Yeah.” And we continue talking as the plane takes off.

2
Atlanta

After an hour the plane lands in Atlanta which is absolutely huge. I’m not sure that the city I go to college in is as big as this airport. Aunt One looks at the tickets and then her watch.
“OK. The next plane leaves in 20 minutes. So I guess we’d better go on and get down there?”
“Where are we going?” asks Luke’s mom.
Aunt One answers, but I don’t know what she said since I was too busy watching the cheer leading squad that happened to be walking by. Once the girls are gone, and my fantasies about them doing a pyramid end, I turn back to the group and notice they’re all the way down the hall. I run after them, and right as I’m about to get caught up I somehow manage to be stuck in a group of nuns. They’re all wearing leis with their rosaries and habits. It’s actually quite funny to imagine a group of nuns on the beach of Hawaii in their black habits, surfing, going to pig roasts- “Dominic!” yells Jemma, snapping me out of the daydream. I squeeze my way between two larger nuns and run to my group.
“Why…are we…running?” I ask Jemma, while trying to catch my breath.
“Because…whoever booked…the tickets…didn’t realize…the connections were…on the opposite sides…of the airport.”
We run across the airport, get on the shuttle subway thing that they have, and even get a ride down a hall on a golf cart. Eighteen minutes later we get to the gate. “Oh, I’m sorry,” says the airline lady. “Our plane had mechanical problems so we’re bringing another plane in. It’ll be about an hour.”
Jemma drops her bag on the floor and kicks it over to the seats. She pulls her hood over her face and goes to sleep. Or something. “Wanna go get some food?” asks Luke.
“Huh?” I ask as I turn away from Jemma.
“Food,” he says starting to walk away.
“Oh sure.” I sprint over to him and Jamie and we walk down to the food court.
We get in the line for chicken. “What are you getting?” Luke asks Jamie.
“I think I want chicken fingers and potatoes.”
“What about you?” Luke asks me.
“Uh, well I don’t eat meat. So…I dunno. I might go off to another line.”
I stay with them until they order; Jamie is first.
“Welcome to Famoso Chicken. How may I help you?” asks the Danny DeVito like guy behind the counter.
“I’d like chicken fingers and mashed potatoes please.”
“We’re out.”
“Oh. Umm, chicken fingers and a baked potatoes?”
“No chicken fingers. No potatoes of any kind.”
Jamie looks at the menu. “Chicken leg and french fries.”
“Fries are potatoes,” says the man.
“OK, then just two chicken legs and a soda.”
“No chicken legs. And we only have diet soda.”
Jamie opens his mouth to speak but I step in front of him. “So what exactly do you have?”
“Please back away from the counter sir.”
“You have got to be kidding me!”
“Sir back away from the counter.”
I roll my eyes and go over to the pizza place. Jamie and Luke come with me.

Once we eat our pizza we make our way back to the gate where our plane is supposed to be. Luke looks at his watch. “We’d better hurry, they should start loading in ten minutes.”
We hurry down the hall, past a book store, Brookestone, CD store, beauty parlor, and restaurant until we get to the gate.
“No need to hurry boys,” says Luke’s Dad. “Plane isn’t here yet. We have at least two more hours.”
This sucks. “When does the boat leave?” I ask Luke’s Mom.
“Not until noon tomorrow. And we should get in New Orleans around one or two. So we’ll still have time to go around town tonight.”
The adults sit down in a corner and start talking about something. Something stupid, I’m sure. Probably about eight-tracks, or adult diapers. Whatever. I go to sit with Luke and Jamie, but Tall Cousin is there and after this morning I decide it best if I avoid him a little longer. And Jemma is sleeping so that leaves me by myself. No worries. I sit in a seat by the window and pull out my CD player and search through my CD’s. After looking through them three times I decided that I didn’t bring anything airport worthy. Lucky for me I saw that music store when we were coming back from food.
“I’m going to go down to that CD store,” I tell Luke’s Mom.
“OK Dominic.” She smiles at me and then turns back to Aunt One. “So yeah, it gave me this awful rash all over my – “
I run away before I can hear anymore of that conversation.
I walk down the hall and after only a few minutes end up and Soaring Melodies. Wow. That’s a creative name. If only I could have come up with something like that. No matter. I walk into the store and hear “The Great Love Sound” by The Raveonettes playing from a stereo at the cash register. I don’t know if it’s sad that they have the music playing from a little portable CD player radio or understandable seeing as how there are only two aisle of music in this former broom closet.
I don’t really know what I’m looking for so I walk to a random spot and start flipping through disks. I see names of people and groups I’ve never heard of so I look at the sign to see what section I’m in. World Music. Ok. Get away from here as quick as possible. I go to the other side of the aisle and see Classical. Then Jazz. And Blues. WTF. Where’s Pop/Rock, or Rap, or Country even?
I make my way to the cashier. “Uh, excuse me.”
She looks up from the latest Billboard.
“I was wondering where the current stuff is.”
“This is current.”
“Oh. Ok. How about current top 40 stuff?”
“We don’t carry that,” she says dryly.
“Oh. Ok then.” I walk away as I try to understand the logic behind not having popular music, even though they’re playing it from the little CD player.
“We do have an import section,” she yells after me. “Sometimes popular Brit stuff makes it over there.”
“Ok. Thanks.” So my options are look through this import stuff which will probably have nothing good, or go sit with Luke, Jamie, and Tall Cousin. I go look at the “import section” which consists of a dozen CD’s in a shoe box in the back of the store. I flip through and find that either everything is too expensive, like a UK edition of a Nelly CD with bonus tracks, or I haven’t heard of it, like the CD by the group Coyote Beach Party. After flipping through the CD’s three times I decide to buy something and get out of here since the girl at the cash register is staring at me and possibly drooling, I don’t know. I grab a CD without even looking to see what I got and take it to the girl. I give her my money and hurry out of Soaring Melodies. God, I hope I never end up there again.
I get back to the gate and sit next to Jemma and Luke. They’re looking at a pamphlet for the boat. Jamie and Tall Cousin are playing hang man, or strip poker. I pull out my CD to see what I just spent $22 on. Sinead Quinn. Never heard of her. I take the CD out of its ten layers of plastic coverings and then stick the CD in the player.
It’s not bad. A little more pop than I tend to like, but it’ll do. After a couple of songs I fall asleep for about an hour and a half until I’m wakened by Tall Cousin kicking me hard in the shins to wake me up.
“I’m not sitting by myself this time,” he snaps as I stretch.
I glare at him as I put my CD player away and get on the plane. I look at my ticket and then down the aisle. Oh joy of joys! A fat man. Well, I know where I’m sitting. I walk down the aisle and stop at the seat next to the fat man but there’s a little kid there. Huh? I look at my ticket again and realize m seat is two seats back. I go to my seat and find that I’m sitting next to a very attractive girl, and by the looks of things she has an allergy to clothes.
“Hi,” I smile as I fall hard into the seat. I sure know how to impress girls. She giggles at me and pulls a magazine out of her bag and starts reading.
I look down in my carry on bag for my book I’m reading but can’t find it. Great. I must have left it at the gate. So I look to the girl. “Um, hi. I was wondering if you had a magazine I could borrow.”
She looks down in her bag and pulls out two options. “You like Seventeen and YM?”
I look at the people on the cover. I can read about the cast of the latest teen soap, or some underwear model. Sigh. “Uh, I’ll take the seventeen I guess.”
I finish the magazine by the time the plane finished loading. Once we take off I lay my head on the tray and sleep the whole way to New Orleans.

3
New Orleans
I’m wakened up and directed through the New Orleans airport to the baggage claim. “What’s going on?” I ask the person pushing me in the right direction.
“We’re in New Orleans,” says Luke’s Mom.
I rub my eyes and finally wake up. “Oh. Cool.”
“Can you stay here and watch the bags while we get the rest?” she asks me once we reach the baggage claim.
“Sure,” I say sleepily.
“Thanks. We’ll get yours too.”
“OK.” I stretch and look around at the baggage claim at all of the people. Airports are interesting places to people watch. Everyone is either happy or sad. Happy because their loved ones are home, or sad because the loved ones are leaving. However, people at this airport apparently don’t know either of those emotions as they all look pissed at the world. Maybe I shouldn’t have agreed to come here.
A couple of bags are dropped at my feet and distract me from the miserable people. “Watch it!” says Tall Cousin. I sigh and turn my attention from him to a person holding a sign with a name on it. I thought they only did that in movies. The young guy turns and I can see that the sign says Queen Delta. Does Delta Airlines have a queen? Was I in the presence of royalty on my flight? Maybe it’s the woman who invented Delta airlines. Did a woman invent Delta airlines? And if so, is she still alive? Maybe it’s Delta Burke. But I don’t think she’s a queen.
My questions are answered when a woman in her forties comes up to the boy with the sign. She’s six foot three, has big arms, and green hair. And a goatee. Ah, so Queen Delta is a drag queen. I wonder how the people at Delta feel about a drag queen with their name.
“Hello? Earth to Dominic,” says Aunt One.
“Oh, what?” I say turning to the group. “Are we ready to go?”
“Not quite,” says Luke’s Dad. “They broke one of Stan’s suitcases.”
Stan? I look over to the surprisingly long line at the service desk and see Uncle One. Ohh, so that’s his name.
“We’re going to go get us a taxi,” says Luke’s Mom. She walks off with Aunt One.
Meanwhile, Queen Delta is now yelling at the boy and hitting him with the sign. So she can hit a boy with a sign and not be threatened to be removed from the airport, but I can’t ask a boy at the chicken store what they have? Oh whatever, this is pretty amusing.
“What’s going on over there?” Luke asks me as he points to the boy, who is now on the floor with his hands over his face.
“No idea,” I laugh.
“Come on,” snaps Uncle One as he walks past us. Oh, this is going to be a lovely evening. We follow him to Aunt One and Luke’s Mom.
“What’d they say?” asks Aunt One.
“It isn’t their fault if we bought cheap luggage.”
She sighs and rolls her eyes. “Don’t worry about it dear.” She kisses his cheek. “We’re on vacation, and we have a van waiting outside to take us to the hotel.”
Uncle One grumbles something, but we all ignore him. The group walks outside and climbs into the van. There is a couple in their forties already in the van. They smile and nod at us as we get in. As usual I’m last in the van, which means that the only available seat is with this couple I don’t know.
“When are we going to leave?” asks Jemma.
Everyone turns and looks at the back of the van where the driver is trying to stuff all of the bags. He looks up at us and smiles. “I got everything in here except for two bags.” He holds up a small bag and my duffle bag. “Is there room for these up there.”
“Yeah, we’ll make room for them,” says Aunt One.
Driver gives us the bags and then gets in his driving seat. He buckles up and adjusts the mirrors. “Welcome to New Orleans.”
“Thanks,” say the adults.
“Do you mind if we listen to Christmas music?” he asks.
“Not at all,” says Aunt One.
He turns the van on and then tunes the radio to the Christmas station. He picks up a piece of paper and reads it quickly. “So you’re going to the Hilton and to a private residence?”
“Yes,” say Aunt One and the woman I don’t know.
He puts the van in gear and drives off.
“Are you visiting someone?” Aunt One asks the woman.
“Yes, we’re visiting our daughter for Christmas.” She turns around in her seat so she can face Aunt One better. “What about you?”
“We’re going on a cruise tomorrow,” she says.
“Oh, cruises are so much fun! Howard and I went on one about two years ago. Where are you going?”
“Um, Progresso, Costa Maya, and…I can never remember the last place,” she laughs.
“Cozumel,” says Jamie.
“Oh that sounds great,” says the woman. “When we went we went on one around Ireland.”
“Oh I’d love to go to Ireland,” says Jemma. “How was it?”
“Breath taking. There aren’t words to describe it,” says the woman.
The driver pulls the van onto the interstate and begins talking to us. “I want to welcome you all again to our city. We have about a 20 minute drive to the Hilton so make yourselves comfortable.” We talk a few minutes about nothing really and then he starts talking again. “If you look out the window on your right you’ll see one of our famous above ground cemeteries. Do you know why they’re above ground?”
…Are we in school?
“New Orleans is below sea level, so we can’t bury people in the ground.” We go around a bend in the road and see the cemetery better. I’ve seen pictures of these types of cemeteries in school books, but it’s actually really, really creepy looking. There are rows among rows among rows of these above ground graves, which are big cement boxes with angels and other little statues around them.
“Now, look to your left just up here and you’ll see the super dome.” We all look over to the left and the driver switches lanes – without checking his blind spot and nearly hitting a car! It honks at him and he swerves back into the lane we’re in as the other car speeds by. He looks at us in the mirror at us all slightly white from the startle. “Don’t worry folks, that’s just how we say hi in New Orleans.”
I shake my head at him and ignore him the rest of the drive.
About ten minutes later we’re at the Hilton. He unloads our bags and puts them on the side walk. Luke’s Dad gives him a tip and he drives away. Before driver leaves a bellboy is already loading our bags onto a trolley thing. I see Luke, Jemma, Jamie, and Tall Cousin back near the street admiring the building. I go out with them and look up at the building.
“Wow. How many floors is this?” I ask.
“Why don’t you learn to count!” says Tall Cousin.
Ignore him.
“I know that we’re on the 22nd floor,” says Jemma. “So probably more than that.”
I look around the building. By the door are some large, Mardi Gras like joker men statues. The men are dancing on balls. Around them are huge gold planters with various plants in them.
“Come on kids,” says Aunt One. “Let’s go check in.”
We walk to the entrance, which is a revolving door, that revolves on it’s own. Ooh, how Jetson’s. In the middle of the doors are fake trees. I think they were going for a classy look or something, but it’s more strange and uncomfortable than anything else.
“The bell boys said that check in is on the second floor,” says Uncle One. We walk to the elevator and push number 2. We get out and see the check in desk. It’s next to a jewelry store! Never have I stayed in a hotel with a jewelry store. Mind you the nicest hotel I ever stayed at was the Holiday Inn. So we get in line to check in to our rooms. Aunt and Uncle One, Tall Cousin, and Jemma go to the desk window. Then Luke’s Mom and Dad, Luke, Jamie, and I go to next window.
“Hi,” says Luke’s Dad. “I’d like to check in please. The name is Connor.”
The woman types the name in the computer. “I’m sorry Mr. Connor, but your rooms aren’t ready yet.”
Luke’s Dad looks at his watch. “It’s nearly three o’clock and check in is one o’clock.”
“Well I’m sorry sir, but your rooms are still being cleaned. You can check back in an hour or two.”
Luke’s Mom leads his dad away from the counter to where the others are already standing. “What’s wrong?” asks Aunt One.
“Our rooms aren’t ready yet. Are yours?” says Luke’s Mom.
“One of them is. The other isn’t.”
We all stand in a circle of silence for about a minute. “Do you know if there’s anywhere to eat in here?” I ask.
“There’s a mall attached to the hotel,” says Luke’s Mom. “Is everyone hungry?”
We all nod.
“I don’t want to carry my bag through the mall,” says Jemma, holding up her carry-on bag from the plane.
“Why don’t we all drop off our stuff in the room that is ready and then we’ll eat,” suggests Aunt One.
We walk over to the elevator that we took to get to the check in desk and walk in. “What floor?” asks Tall Cousin.
“Twenty-two,” says his dad.
Tall Cousin runs his finger across the panel to push twenty-two. “I don’t see it,” he says. Everyone moves closer to the panel and looks for the button. The highest button is 16.
“Maybe you have to take the stairs?” says Jamie.
Luke’s Dad pushes the open doors button and we all pile out. There’s a bell boy walking by as we tumble out of the elevator like circus clowns. “Excuse me,” begins Luke’s Dad. “How do we get to the twenty-second floor?”
The boy looks at Luke’s Dad, then us, then around him. “Uh, you take the elevator. Or the stairs if you really want.”
“But there’s no button for any floor above sixteen!” Luke’s Dad is getting red. His wife holds his arm and strokes it.
“Oh, you were in the wrong elevator,” says the boy. “You need to use the second bank of elevators.” He points to five more elevators just down the hall.
“That’s stupid,” says Luke’s Dad as he stomps down the hall.
“Thanks,” says Luke’s Mom.
I smile and nod in appreciation as I walk by and enter the elevator with everyone else. As we ride up the twenty-one floors in silence we all look at each other.
“Did your ears just pop?” asks Jemma.
“Yeah,” laughs her mom, as everyone else nods.
It’s like riding in the plane. I never thought my ears would pop going up in an elevator.
The doors open again momentarily and we again pile out. “Look for room 2226,” says Aunt One.
We look at the room number of the room closest to us (2238) and the room to the left of it (2236). And being the intelligent bunch we are we realize we need to go to our left. We walk down the hall to where it ends, then turn right. We walk as far as we can and then turn left when it ends. When that hall ends we turn right again. At the end of this hall is room 2226.
“Can someone draw me a map?” laughs Aunt One. “I don’t think I’ll be able to find my room on my own!”
We enter the stuffy room and toss our bags on the floor and bed. Uncle One turns on the air conditioner as Aunt One and Luke’s Mom have bathroom breaks. Once everyone’s bladder is gladder we make our way back through the maze to the elevators.
We get off at the second floor again, make our way past the jewelry store and check-in desk, up a small set of stairs, and down a hall decorated for the holiday. At the end of the hall we can go left or right.
“So what way’s the mall?” asks Luke’s Mom.
“Left,” says Jemma.
“How does she know?” I ask Luke.
“She’s a nineteen year old girl with her daddy’s credit card. It’s like a 6th sense or something,” he laughs.
We follow Jemma and she was right (although she later revealed that if we had opened our eyes we would have seen a sign right in front of us pointing to the mall). After a short walk we find a sandwich shop in the mall. We eat there and then head back to the hotel to see if our rooms are ready.

When we were done eating all of our rooms were finally ready. Once we checked in we went back to the elevators to go to our rooms. When the elevator door opens a skinny man exits. Everyone in the group greets him, leading me to believe he’s either another member of our party or everyone’s sandwiches were laced with ecstasy.
“And this is Dominic,” says Luke’s Dad pointing at me. He introduces Uncle Two to me, but again, I don’t care.
“Jim just called,” says Uncle Two. “He said they were on their way to check-in now.”
I, personally, would rather go to my room and take a nap, but the rest of the group wants to see this Jim fellow, so we go back to the check-in desk. Standing at the desk, talking on his cell phone, is a man in a suit; next to him a girl trying a little too hard for the Avril Lavigne look, what with her wife beater and neck tie. The man sees us and waves. He hangs up his phone as the group nears him and hugs him and Cousin Avril. Someone introduces me to this man, Uncle Three, and he grabs me and hugs me tightly. He introduces me to his daughter; she looks about as thrilled as me. I sigh softly and look around the growing group. Now’s when it’s going to get confusing, trying to get all of these kids and their parents straight.
God, I hope this is all of the family there is. “Janis and Brad are upstairs with Gina, Eric, and the triplets,” says Uncle Two. I study everyone’s face to see if this is some sort of joke they’re playing on me. It isn’t. Luckily though, we all go to our own rooms for a rest and agree to meet back here at 6:30 to go to church.

4
Bourbon Street
At 6:25 I’m awakened by someone shaking me forcefully. “C’mon, man.” It’s Luke. “Everyone else is downstairs waiting for us.”
I stretch as I get out of bed. I notice Luke is wearing khakis and a polo shirt. I look down at my cut-off shorts, wrinkled t, and flip flops. “Umm, am I dressed OK for church?”
Luke shrugs. “It looks fine to me. Besides,” he says as he nears the door, “you don’t really have time to change.”

When we exit the elevator on the first floor I see a small crowd gathered by a fountain. There’s a man with a trumpet playing the Christmas Song. Luke and I walk to our group, which is making up a good portion of the crowd, and I see a sign. Chris Botti – Songs of December.
I look around and notice couples dancing on a small wooden dance floor, surrounded by poinsettias and other winter-y items. It’s quite romantic actually. Now if only I had someone to-
“Come on!” someone bellows behind me, totally ruining the moment. “We gotta get a move on! We have two taxi’s outside waiting!”
I turn and see Uncle Three ushering everyone out of the lobby. As I’m forced out onto the street I hear Chris sing, what I later learn is Perfect Day.
When I get outside I see everyone gathered around a woman in a wheelchair. With two broken legs and a broken arm. “That’s Aunt Gina,” Jemma tells me when she sees me staring. “Fell off her roof while putting up an eight-foot Santa.”
“When did this happen?” I ask as Uncle Three tells people what taxi van to get into.
“Just last week. For a while we didn’t think she’d be able to make it. But the doctor said she’d be ok,” she yells to me while her uncle puts her in one van, and me the other.
I share my van with two people I don’t know (must be Aunt and Uncle Four), their six year old triplets, Jamie, Luke, and their parents. “Where to?” yells the driver to us over the Christmas music blasting through the speakers right behind me head.
“Saint Joseph’s,” says Luke’s Mom.
The driver nods as I look for my seatbelt. When I finally find it I drop it because the driver decides to floor it. I slip off my seat and get stuck on the floor. “I think I know a shortcut,” he yells back to us. As soon as I get back on the seat he turns right down some road without slowing down, knocking me onto Uncle Four. Where is my seatbelt?! I get up off of Uncle Four’s lap and frantically search for my seat belt. I stick my hand between the seat and find it. As I pull it out Crazy Cab Driver slams on his breaks knocking me on my ass on the floor. Again.
“Oh Dominic, are you OK?” asks Luke’s Mom.
I glare at the driver, though he pays no attention. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Damn traffic!” he yells. Aunt Four looks down at the triplets, but they didn’t hear the man, they were too busy hitting each other. Insanely Psycho Taxi Driver passes a long line of traffic on the right, half of the van ends up on the sidewalk causing a mild panic from the tourists. The locals think nothing of it. He turns the corner and swerves to avoid something. I look out my window and see a horse standing so close that its breath is fogging up the window. I look over at Aunt Four with concern for our lives in my eyes, she returns the look. I force my hand into the seat and buckle the seatbelt just as he floors it again. Not more than ten seconds later he slams on the breaks. “We’re here!”
I reach for my seatbelt, hands shaking slightly, to unbuckle it. It’s jammed. “You have got to be kidding!” I yell.
“Here,” Uncle Four wiggles it a little and it comes undone.
“Thanks,” I say as I exit the Taxi of Death. The other taxi is already there; Uncle Three is tapping his foot with his arms crossed.
“Come on, we’re late!”
We walk from the side of the church, where the taxi’s let us off, to the front and see a huge crowd of people gathered around some news reporters. “Wonder what’s going on,” says Tall Cousin.
“Now is not the time for wondering!” reprimands Uncle Three. “The Lord is waiting for us!”
I see Jemma roll her eyes as she pulls the heavy wooden door to the church open. I follow close behind her, and the rest of the group behind me. Up front the priest is reading the gospel.
“I thought you said church was at 7,” says Cousin Avril to her dad. She pulls a bulletin from the pile and shows it to him. “Saturday mass is at 6:30.”
He snatches the paper from her and leads us to a spot in the back where there’s room for a wheel chair. Once we get there everyone sits down and the priest begins his homily. His voice sounds like Ben Stine and Arnold Schwarzenegger had a baby. A baby that is about 512 years old and is going to drop dead at any moment. I couldn’t tell you what his sermon was about though. I was too busy staring at the column I was seated behind. It’s a big column too, like nearly as big as my dorm room. God, I’m not sad to be away from my roommate. He’s a weird one. I’ve never seen him eat anything other than pudding. And I mean that in the American way, not British. And I’ve never seen him go to class either. I mean, he could go while I’m gone, except for he’s asleep when I leave, and then in the same position when I return. And once he – Jemma grabs my arm and pulls me up. Oops. I turn red as I look around see everyone else standing and in the middle of reciting some prayer.
After the service ends we make our way out of the building where there are more people gathered around the reporters. Since we passed the first time several circus tents have been erected around the reporters.
“Hey, can we see what’s going on?” Jamie asks his mom.
“No!” snaps Uncle Three. “We’re going to go eat now.”
Jamie looks at his mom, waiting for her to do something. She shrugs. “Let’s just get back to the hotel.”
Jamie sighs as we turn the corner and stop at the street corner. Everyone looks around for taxi’s, but the street seems to be deserted. Uncle One turns red as he walks into the street to look for a taxi. You know, in case there’s one hiding behind a streetlamp.
I look to my left and see Jemma. “Couldn’t we just walk?” I suggest. I motion up with my head where giant red letters spelling HILTON aren’t too far away.
“Yeah, I don’t mind walking,” says Jemma.
“I think we should try to find a taxi for Gina,” says Uncle Two as he pushes Aunt Two’s wheelchair closer to the group.
“There’s one!” yells Cousin Avril as a taxi comes rushing down the street.
Uncle One practically dives in front of it to get it’s attention. He opens the passenger side door and climbs in. “Just follow the letters back to the hotel,” he says, pointing up at the floating red letters. Once the taxi takes Uncle One, Aunt and Uncle Two, Uncle Four and the triplets away the rest of us set out on our journey.
We turn down a side street where all the psychics of New Orleans are. There’s Moon’s Tarot Card Reading, Sychic Sam, Rainbow Fortunes, The New Orleans Psychic, and many more.
“Sir! Sir, you must come over here!” yells Sychic Sam to Tall Cousin as we walk by.
“Why?” asks Tall Cousin, slowing his pace slightly.
“For fifteen dollars I’ll tell you.”
Tall Cousin looks to Cousin Avril. “You aren’t seriously considering giving this man money?” she yells.
Tall Cousin shrugs.
“Oi!” Cousin Avril yells at Sychic Sam. “If you were a real psychic you’d know I was going to do this!” She sticks her tongue out and pulls her bottom eye lid down before grabbing Tall Cousin’s hand and running down the street with him.
“I don’t get it,” says Luke.
Jemma and I look from Luke to Tall Cousin and Cousin Avril. I shrug. “I thought it was a family thing.”
Jemma laughs. She pushes her hair back and looks up in the sky, blinking back the wind. “God, I feel like the three wise men. Only I’m not a man. And we’re following Paris Hilton’s name instead of a Holy star.”
We make our way across New Orleans back to the Hilton. We get to an intersection right near the hotel. Aunt One and Luke’s Mom are talking and pointing while we wait for the walk signal. “Hey guys,” says Aunt One. That casino is attached to the hotel,” she points at a large building covered with lights in front of our hotel. “Why don’t we cut through that so we don’t have to walk around it.”
Uncle Three and Luke’s Dad think that this is a good idea so when the light turns green we walk to the casino instead of to the hotel. We walk up the stone steps to the doors.
“Dad,” says Luke as we walk in the building. “It says no one under 21 allowed.” He points to the large sign by the door.
“Well it isn’t like we’re going to let you guys gamble!” says Aunt Four, laughing way too hard.
“Well I’m 21,” says Tall Cousin. “I could cut through the casino and even gamble if I wanted.”
I open my mouth to say something I shouldn’t, but Aunt One interrupts me. “What do you guys want to do? Should we try to cut through the casino?”
Just then the door opens and two large men in scary maroon jackets walk up to us. “Can we help you?” asks one of them.
“We were thinking about cutting through the casino to our hotel,” says Aunt Four. “Would that be OK with you?” She winks at him.
“Does everyone here have ID?” asks the other man.
Jemma reaches in her pocket and pulls out a student ID. “Here ya go.”
The man takes her ID and holds it up to a light. “This is a student ID miss.”
“Yeah?”
“You have to be 21 to enter.”
Jemma rolls her eyes and takes her ID. She turns and walks down the stairs.
Everyone follows suit without saying a word.
We walk down the steps and around the casino to the hotel. Between the two buildings is an alley filled with homeless people.
“Should we give them money?” Cousin Avril asks her dad in a hushed tone.
“I read that you should never give homeless people money,” says Tall Cousin too loud. “They just use it to buy drugs.”
I look at Jemma and see her shaking her head. I reach in my pocket and pull out five dollars and give it to an old woman covered in a blanket.
“Thank you,” she says as we walk away.
“I hope you didn’t touch her,” says Tall Cousin. “You could get fleas that way.”
“God William! Shut up!” yells Jemma.

When we get to the hotel everyone is waiting outside for us. “It’s about time!” yells Uncle One. “Where the hell were you?”
“We decided to stop at the casino,” says Jemma.
“Then we gave all of our winnings to the homeless,” I add.
Uncle One shakes his head. “We put our name in at the Crusty Cajun,” he says. “Our table should be ready soon.” He starts walking.
“We’re walking again?” whines Tall Cousin.
“It’s just on the next street corner,” says Aunt Two.
Tall Cousin looks down at her. “Oh.” He starts down the street with his dad and the rest of us eventually follow.
I catch up with Luke, Jemma, and Cousin Avril. “Are you kidding?” laughs Jemma.
“Bjork was amazing in that movie,” says Cousin Avril. “Why? What’s you’re favorite movie?”
Jemma smiles. “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”
“I can’t believe I’m related to you!” says Cousin Avril.
“Breakfast at Tiffany’s is so much better than Dancer In the Dark,” says Jemma.
“I think I’ll agree with Jemma there,” says Luke.
“OK, and what’s your favorite movie?” Cousin Avril asks Luke.
“That’s easy,” says Luke. “Citizen Kane.”
“Oh puh-lease!” I laugh.
“What?” asks Jemma, Luke, and Cousin Avril in unison.
“I’ve been best friends with Luke since fifth grade. I know his favorite movie and that is not his favorite movie.”
“OK, what is it?” asks Jemma.
“Dude, don’t!” yells Luke. He runs at me and jumps but I duck out of the way and he falls onto a fence.
“It’s Notting Hill!” I yell as I run down the road, Luke in close pursuit.
“Ohh, I love Notting Hill!” say Jemma and Cousin Avril. Luke gives up the chase and goes back with the girls.
When I catch up with them again there’s some thirteen year old boy walking with them. “Tom Welling has a new movie coming out soon!”
Everyone looks at him. “Congratulations Eric. You get the prize for most random comment of the night,” says Cousin Avril, messing up his already messy hair.
“Well you were talking about movies so-“
“So you thought you’d talk about Tom Welling. Makes sense,” says Jemma laughing.
“So who’s this?” I ask Jemma.
The boy turns and looks at me. “I’m Eric. I sat next to you in church. That’s my mom,” he points to the woman in the wheelchair. “And there’s my dad, the one pushing her.”
“Uh-huh.” I nod and look at Aunt and Uncle Two. “And what was your name again?”
“It’s right here on my shirt!” he yells waving his hands. “Eric! Eric eric eric eric!”
“Uh, right. Nice to meet you Eric.”
“There’s the Crusty Cajun!” yells Tall Cousin, running across the road.
“William!” His mom yells out for him. He stops just before stepping in front of a car. It swerves to miss him; it hits the curb and a hubcap flies off.
“Can I keep it?” yells Eric as he runs into the road to get the metal.
“Doesn’t you’re family know stop, drop, and roll?” I ask Luke.
“I think you mean stop, look, and listen,” says Jemma laughing.

Right when we get to the restaurant they call our name to be seated. Since our party is too big for one table they sat us at two tables. The first table was the “kid table” consisting of me, Luke, Jamie, Jemma, Tall Cousin, Eric, Cousin Avril, Triplet 1, Triplet 2, and Triplet 3. The second table had the adults, though Tall Cousin insists he should be sitting there. I say even the kid table is too mature for him.
After ten minutes of sitting at the sticky table a large woman with pit stains the size of Triplet 2 came up to our table. She put a menu in front of each of us and pulled a pencil from behind her ear. “Welcome to the Crusty Cajun. My name is Bertha (how appropriate) and I’ll be yer waitress. Do you need a few minutes to look over the menu or do you know what ya want?”
“Uh, yeah, I think we need to look at the menu,” says Cousin Avril.
I open my menu and begin to look through it when I hear the people sitting behind me talking. “Do you think they going to put Tufty Tail to sleep Gwampa?” asks a little girl. I gently elbow Jemma and Luke (sitting on either side of me) and motion behind us.
“I don’t know darling,” he says. “Hopefully not, huh?”
“Well we found him on the street before we adopted him. But daddy woodent let him stay home when we went on cruise so we had to put him in pound.”
The grandpa makes a noise of understanding.
“But daddy said that Tufty Tail can only stay in pound for five days before the pound mens will put him to sleep and our cruise is seven days.”
I look from Luke to Jemma, all of us holding back laughs.
“But maybe a nice family will come and adopt Tufty Tail until we get back then he won’t die.”
“I’m sure Tufty Tail hopes so also,” says the grandpa.
“Oh I love you gwampa Hershel!” The girl jumps out of her chair, knocking hers into Jemma’s.
“You need to learn how to sit like a lady,” says Tall Cousin, looking up from his menu.
“Maybe you could give her lessons,” I say.
“Go to hell Dominic. You aren’t part of this family! You’re only here because your own family left you alone for the holidays!” He pushes his chair back, gets up, and walks outside.
“William said hell!” yell the triplets to their parents.
“I was only joking,” I say quietly, my face burning.
“Don’t pay him any mind,” says Jemma as she stands up. “I think I’d better go talk to him.”
“Wait, do you think maybe I should? You know, to try to smooth things over?”
“Do you folks know whatcha want yet?” asks Bertha.
Jemma sits down. “Forget about him. He just wants the attention.” She opens her menu. “Um, I’ll have shrimp and fries with a coke.”
“OK. And you?” she looks at me.
I scan the menu again. Everything here has meat. Even the salads. “I’ll have a salad, with no chicken or bacon. And a water.”
She takes everyone else’s order. Jemma orders a steak for Tall Cousin before going outside to check on him. They come back in a few minutes later, both looking relatively happy.
Jemma sits down and opens an arts newspaper she got from outside. “Let’s read our horoscopes,” she says as she flips through the pages. “OK, mine says, Tonight is a night of firsts. You will discover something about yourself you never imagined possible.” She looks up. “Hmm.”
“Read mine!” says Eric.
“OK.” She runs her finger down the page and stops on his sign. “You are going to meet your soul mate this week and have ground shattering sex on your first encounter.” Jemma turns slightly red.
“Sweet!” yells Eric.
“Maybe we’ve had enough horoscopes.” Jemma folds the paper several times and tosses it under her seat.
“Here’s some bread.” Bertha drops a basket of stale bread in the center of the table. “Enjoy.” She turns around and knocks into a group of cheerleaders making a pyramid. “My bad,” she says in her monotone drawl.
Jamie hops up from his seat and goes to the cheerleaders assistance. “Here, let me help you girls up.”
“We aren’t girls,” says one of them.
“We’re women,” says another.
“And we don’t need a man to be complete!” says a third. She throws a piece of bread from the floor at Jamie.
He smiles sheepishly and backs to his seat.
Not long after Bertha returns with our food. Ten minutes later I’m done with my salad. Everyone else has barely dented their food.
I excuse myself from the table and walk to the other table. “Um, I think I’m going to go back to the hotel and have a lie down,” I say to Luke’s Mom.
“Are you OK dear?” she asks.
“Yeah, just a lot of traveling for one day. I just need to lie down for a bit.”
“OK. We’ll give you a call when we get back.”
“OK.” I smile and walk out of the restaurant. I look up at the black sky and see a few white stars sprinkled around the giant red HILTON. I inhale the warm night air, much warmer than I’m used to for December, that’s for sure. I take a few steps and stop in front of a shop closed for the night. In the window I see my reflection next to a painted Santa. Shorts, flip flops, a t-shirt and Santa Claus. I smile at the reflection and run my hands through my hair. I reach in my pocket and pull out my cell phone. I dial mom and listen to it ring. Once. Twice. Three times. Four times. Voice mail.
I sigh and hang up. I start off down the street when a car passes me blasting Carol of the Bells. I put my hands in my pockets and cross the road. Halfway across my pocket vibrates. I pull out my phone. “Hello?”
“Hi honey.” It’s mom. “How are you?”
I smile when I hear her voice. “I’m doing OK. I thought I’d let you know I’m in New Orleans.”
“When do you get on the boat?” There’s a lot of noise behind her. Probably at some fancy French party.
“Um, sometime tomorrow. Noon maybe?”
“Well I hope you have fun.”
I step up on the curb and lean against a light pole.
“Is that all you called to say?” she asks.
I smile. Mom’s always know. “I miss you and dad. It doesn’t feel like Christmas.”
“It feels weird, that’s for sure.” The people in the background are quieter. She must be trying to find a quieter spot. “I love you baby and I want you to have a wonderful time.”
“I will.” I smile. “It just feels so wrong, wearing shorts and a t-shirt while standing next to a picture of Santa Claus.”
Mom laughs. “Well I don’t have to worry about that. I’m hear in a trench coat and scarf trying not to freeze to death.”
I smile but say nothing.
“Next year things will be back to normal. I promise.”
I look around and realize I’m back to the hotel. “I know. Well I’m back at the hotel so I guess I’ll go now.”
“OK honey.”
I push the button for the elevator.
“I’ll try to call you tomorrow, but they say my cell phone probably won’t work at sea.”
“I’ll try to not worry about you.”
“OK. I love you mom. Tell dad I said hi.”
OK. I love you too. Be safe, and have a merry Christmas if I don’t talk to you again before.”
“You too.” I lower the phone from my ear and push the end button just as the elevator dings. I look around and see that it’s the glass elevator. I walk in and push the button. Once it starts to move I look out the window at the city below. God, I can’t believe I’m getting this worked up, I laugh as I blink back a tear. My ears pop and the door opens. I walk out and go to my room.

About half an hour later I’m woken up by Luke and Jamie coming back from dinner. “We’re going to Bourbon Street,” says Luke when they walk in. “Wanna come?”
I sit up and yawn. “Sure.”
“We’re meeting in the lobby in ten minutes,” he says as he goes into the bathroom.
“You might want a jacket,” says Jamie. “It’s getting chilly out.”
I walk to my duffle bag and pull out my Abercrombie hoodie and slip it on. I put on my flip flops and a stocking cap before sticking a piece of gum in my mouth. Once we all made a pit stop in the bathroom we went downstairs to meet the rest of the group.
Standing by the door waiting for us is Luke’s Mom and Dad, Aunt One and Two, Jemma, Tall Cousin, Uncle Three, Cousin Avril, and Eric. “Well let’s go then,” says Uncle Three as he leads the way to the self revolving door with the fake tree in the middle. Once we pass the casino Cousin Avril tells us she needs to tie her shoe (converse of course). She sits down on the bus stop bench to do so.
“Oh! Everyone get over by Adriana!” yells Luke’s Mom.
Who?
“Why?” asks Jemma as she slowly walks to Cousin Avril.
“That bus stop says New Orleans on it!” says Luke’s Mom, way too excited. “I don’t have any pictures of us standing by something that says New Orleans!”
Everyone grudgingly walks to Cousin Avril and poses around the bench.
“All we need now are fanny packs and t-shirts that say ‘tourist’ on them,” I whis