fear

Mar 22, 2008

my mind has just been thrown in to a tail spin. i dont know how to right it, to correct it, get it back on track. i feel a little sick just thinking about it. i dont see anything good coming out of any path i choose. maybe im being a pessimist, maybe im setting myself up for disappointment. but i would rather hurt because i hurt myself rather than let someone else hurt me.

why is everything so bittersweet. everything in life is bittersweet.

i was cleaning my apartment and i found a picture. i dont know if can ever grasp my mind around the fact that he isnt here anymore. i cant comprehend the finality of death. to simply cease to exist.

i think i might be better off alone. in a lot of ways. wanting something that isnt there is far better than wanting something that has gone away. i hate incomplete. and most people are incomplete. and they are incomplete parts of my life. you are here or you are not. you know me completely or you dont know me. that may cut down the number of people in my life drastically. ha, may? it WILL. and that is fine. the less incompletes i have, the more complete i can become. that is my goal in my life is to become complete. i need to allow myself to figure out how to do that. i think im on the right path.

i am an extremely intuitive person. but im also a fatalist. most of my day is spent battling myself inside my head. being alone is better.