sparksfly.blog.com

April 26, 2008

Time & Death
9:08 pm (April 22nd)

I'm still at home babysitting my dog. She's going blind, I think she's going to die soon. She ran into a chair today. She looks through me like I'm not there. It's really upsetting. It made me think about time and death cause she's been (I know she's just a dog, but) in my life since I was eight.
I've never dealt with death before, and it sort of boggles me. I mean, I cried at my friend's grandmother's wake, and I had never even met that woman. So I know it will be difficult to face death when I do. Last year, I cried when my goldfish died, it sounds so silly, I know, but he (his name was Marty) held a lot of heavy symbolism for me. He brought me memories of summertime and first loves. He died as the winter air came and I just did not know what to do.

It scares me so much, death. One day someone's there, something tangible and real, breathing heat. The next day they're gone forever. It's much worse than any sort of breakup, even if I cut out people from my life, because if I ever want some sort of closure, I wouldn't be able to go back. That's what scares me. We never know when we are going to die. People don't wake up one morning, knowing their life will be over, with some exceptions. I guess that's why I want so badly to always follow my ridiculous intuitive pangs, and live without regret.
I don't want to miss out on anything.

My friend once said, after this grandmother's death, that he got over it because eventually life just went on. But I don't understand that at all. Life doesn't just go on without somebody, somebody who played a role in it. Oh no, it's just the persistance of memory that keeps you sane. Eventually, we start to forget what life was like with that person in it. And we move on.

But I don't ever want to be forgotten. I am so afraid of that.