questions

Apr 30, 2008

*i wrote this after my first real heartache. it literally spilled from pen and i could not stop writing. we've all gone through this before, but hey i'm still alive *

as i sit here
amidst my
books and highlighters
and academia
enclosed in a cubicle
i think of the purpose of life.
while others are xeroxing
the text from their books
into their short-term memory
only to spit out A's
to receive
their hard earned
degrees,
i think of life.
is there a pattern?
like there is a pattern
with the stars
or a pattern with birth?
who is my saving grace?
where is my muse?
should i let my books dictate my future?
or should i, instead, be writing these books?
please tell me what to do.
i feel colorblind in this world.
i cannot feel the heat of the sun
due to the numbness in my heart.
to be hurt for the first time
is shattering and irrevocable
because i am no longer
the invincible megan i thought
i was.
i felt my warmth leave me when you left.
and these absurd questions pierce my mind
like nails into my savior
and i cry to myself
"my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"
he has no answers to my own questions.
and it may be sacrilegious to compare myself,
but like Jesus
this pain is new to me.
let's rewind, take steps
backward
in slow motion
so i can pinpoint
the milliseconds where
i let him in-
then we can cut and erase and bury
those thoughts into oblivion
because i HATE this feeling
of not recognizing myself.
i stare into my blank eyes
and PITY myself.
and that fucking sucks
because i am not worth
my own tears. i am better than this.
but where oh where
has my saving grace gone?
my strength that has carried me all
these years and served as my bravado
for i was not brave,
but even i was able to fool
my own reflection.
but now i can only
see this girl.
so fragile and thin
her subconscious screaming
through her eyes
attempting to hide
with her fake smile.
where have i gone?
where am i now?
this girl with highlights is not me.
i used desperate hair color as an illusion
in order to distract my eyes
from MY EYES.
i've lost to the eminent fear of pain
and now i come to the end of the road.
i need directions to get back
from where i started.
will you help me?
can you help me?