Britney Spears is like tapioca pudding

Nov 28, 2007 - 16:50 PM PST

The only people befriending me on MySpace are muscular men. What’s up with that? Do I put off prison bitch pheromones or something? I must look delicious, like applesauce or crackerjacks or something. Look, really. I’m flattered but I’m on MySpace for one thing and one thing only: STREET CRED. MySpace is where you graduate into the world of viral sensational phenomenons, right up there with the YouTube Hall of Famers, the gods of fake celebrity. I imagine quarterlife will rank up there someday, right around the time Bebo teams up with CNN.

So back to my muscle man fan club. It’s not that I’m homophobic or anything but these MySpace whores will drive you nuts anytime of the day even when they’re hot girls! That’s annoying enough, for the web cam whores with Tom as their only friend to pretend like they’re interested in your profile. But here I’ve got people that look like 50 Cent and K-Fed acting like they want to take me out to dinner. Probably a cheap dinner too, like a fish taco and a Bud Light or something. Not that I’ve thought about it extensively or anything. I’d probably go out to dinner with K-Fed though, to be honest. I’d ask him a bunch of questions about what Britney’s like in bed. What her favorite sexual position is, what she looks like naked, if she talks dirty, what she looks like naked. I don’t care what the naysayers say when they’re naying, Britney Spears is hot! Deal with it! You know it’s true. Look at her body when she dances for God’s sake. It’s better than applesauce. It’s like tapioca pudding with sprinkles and Reeces peanut butter cups crushed up in it. Admittedly, her drug habits and parenting skills are regrettable. But at least she’s got her priorities, you know? Her values. You know what I’d like to see? A fight between Britney Spears and Sarah Silverman, a nude fight where Britney whips that over-rated witch’s ass.