Honestly

Jan 29, 2008 - 11:59 AM PST

I don't know who I am or where I'm going. I have no job, I'm not in school, and I don't live with my parents, my adoptive parents, or any relatives. I picked up and moved across the country on a whim to get away from my childhood and my complete inability to make a life for myself outside of my family and my circle of childhood friends. So now I'm in California unable to make a life for myself outside of my family and my new circle of friends. Am I doomed? I spend about 75% of my time online talking to people across the globe about things unrelated to the issues I need to deal with. I'm horribly broke and hopelessly addicted to a lot of expensive things. Caffeine, Anime, Internet, Videogames, Novels... I have a whole long list of things I have a hard time imagining life without, and yet I have no money to provide myself with those things. Where would I be without electricity? I have no paper and only one pencil. And I am way out of practice drawing with traditional media. I half want to do this all again. Just fly away and see if I can make a new life. Maybe I should join the military, and on my station request list put "Japan, Japan, Japan, Japan, Japan... OH! And California." and see where I go. See if I can find a job. My boyfriend's job is in jeopardy now. If he loses it, we can't afford to live here, in this nice high-rise apartment with the photogenic view. I'll have to change the default exposure on all of my cameras. No more bathing in sunlight in my bedroom. We'll either move to Sacramento (HIS hometown full of HIS crippling childhood vices) or to Seattle, away from both of our hometowns where we might both be able to get game-industry jobs.
But I should be clear.
I don't want a job.
I want a career.
I want a cushy office job with a Cintiq bigger than me and a comfy rolly chair and an office plastered with my own freaking art so I can stare at it ALL DAY and be reminded how much more work I have to do and how much more practice I need and how much I love and hate what I do.
That's exactly what I want from a "job".
Why the hell did I leave Konsole Kingz? I was on the right track. Maybe. In any case, I loved what I was doing. And at Zimmtech at least I had the rolly chair and the bank account. At the retail jobs I worked, at least I had SOME money.
All I need right now is a JOB that can make some MONEY so I can SURVIVE until the next chapter of my life. This one has only begun... But it's a doozy.
Now I'm going to sip on this caffeine free strawberry soda and work on some primo 22"x28" res pitchas for my portfolio, and see if I can churn out some concept art for my friend's new game. That should both calm my anxietys and give me a foot on the right path. Right? RIGHT??