How do I get over my fear of failure?

Feb 20, 2008 - 10:19 AM PST

I'm a twentysomething trudging through my attempts to self-sabotage and trying to live a life in the arts. I just read one of your articles, the one about what you "do" vs. what you do, and I thought I'd shoot a question your way. I feel so much pressure from myself in the way of looking on what all these important people have done by the time they were twenty or twenty-five and then I look back on what I've done and think "oh my gosh, I better hurry up!" Which of course, ups the anxiety ante and then I'm crippled before I start. This also connects (with the subject of my first qLife video post) with my fear of putting 100% effort into things, for fear that if I fail I will be judged as a failure by everybody and especially myself. I guess that's not really a question...but here we go... How do I stop all that gosh darn fear?
-- Bryan Cohen (qLife handle: BryanCohen)

Okay, first of all, I want you to know that there are thousands, if not millions, of twentysomethings out there who could have written the same question (though I really love the unique on-the-money eloquence of “trudging through my attempts to self-sabotage”). From the pressure you feel to the anxiety that cripples you to your fear of failure, your experience is incredibly common and – wait for it – totally normal. I hit on the “I better hurry up feeling” in a previous blog, so this time I’ll focus on the fear of failure.

Why is this generation so petrified of failure? Here are a few reasons:

• The achievement-oriented atmosphere, which starts in schools, can make people feel like if you’re not an A student (or an Advanced Placement student) or a top-ranked athlete/artist/singer/etc., then you must be a failure. It’s like a two-tiered system, with no room between success and failure.

• Many people in our generation have grown up in environments in which decisions were made for them by other people. For example, parents might have scheduled everything from lessons to practices to playdates, school administrators or college counselors chose your academic classes, all of the above and perhaps certain magazines chose your college options, your college career center might have dictated your day job (many college career centers don’t offer much information on careers besides those in law, medicine, and consulting, but that’s one of my gripes for another day). So when you get out into the “real world” and are suddenly expected to make all of these adult decisions independently, you can be extremely afraid to fail, simply because you haven’t really had to make important decisions about your life before.

• There are endless options out there for young adults today – many more than when our parents were our age. Older adults often think that those options mean that we have a better, easier life. But I think they’re a double-edged sword. Too many options can paralyze you. I usually explain the difference this way: it’s like the difference between being going to a wedding and being offered, say, chicken or beef, or going to the Cheesecake Factory and being presented with their mammoth encyclopedia of a menu. One decision you can make in a few seconds, while the other can take you forever. At least, it takes me forever.

• For some reason – and I believe the education system, the media, and society’s recent ridiculous emphasis on prestige play major roles – our generation has a broad definition of failure and a narrow definition of success. It’s no wonder so many of us are afraid of failure; because of the way we define it, the odds of failing are much higher than the odds of succeeding.

The first step toward battling this issue might be to define “failure.” Realistically. If failure, to you, is anything short of unparalleled success, or if failure is the equivalent of a B-plus, or if failure means any type of rejection, then it’s time to reassess your expectations and redefine the word for yourself.

Another point (though I know it’s hard to hear/read) is that you will learn more from “failures” than from successes. I know, I know, that’s easy to say now, but then when you’re in the thick of it and you feel like crap, you really don’t want to be told that you’re in the midst of a learning experience. But you are. Maybe a failure teaches you that you were going about something the wrong way. Or that you don’t have enough time/talent/mojo to move in that particular direction. Or that a certain gig/person/place might not have been as great a match for you as you’d anticipated. That’s cool. No really, it is. Because the experience teaches you one more thing about yourself that you can file away in the part of your mind that’s trying to piece together your adult identity.

Okay, enough about failure – let’s get to the fear. Your specific question is How do I stop all that gosh darn fear? Here’s the answer: you don’t have to. Fear is okay. Fear is normal. If you can’t eliminate it (and most people probably can’t), then you force yourself to plow through it, and whatever happens will make you a stronger person for confronting it head-on. If you think about it, you can probably come up with plenty of times in your life when fear made a decision or an event difficult. First day of school? That overtime penalty kick? Exhibiting your paintings? Asking out your crush? Did your fear mess things up? Maybe. Did you survive? Uh-huh.

I think one of the biggest mistakes our generation makes is that we let fear get in our way. We allow it to stop us from pursuing something that might change our lives for the better. We let it persuade us that we don’t have what it takes to succeed. A 30-something I once interviewed told me that the way she makes important decisions is to ask herself how she would proceed “if money and fear were not in the equation.” I think this is great advice, because you will get a better sense of the direction you want to take – and you might learn how fear has become an obstacle.

Because we let fear get in our way, one of the defining characteristics of our generation unfortunately has been that we are afraid to take risks. We follow paths that seem familiar because we’re scared of the unknown, the uncertain, and – as Bryan points out – other people’s opinions. A 30-something mentor in Conquering Your Quarterlife Crisis told me an illuminating anecdote that I try to keep in mind at all times. She told me, “A group of 80 year olds was asked ‘Looking back on your life, what would you do differently?’ Their number-one answer was ‘I would take more risks.’” I love that answer. If you don’t take risks in your 20s, then when are you going to grow?

Bryan, I watched your first video post, which I think a lot of people in this network can relate to. And I completely understand when you say, “I am afraid that if I put all of myself into something and I fail, then I’m lost. Then I’m just not good enough. So, if I just hold a little bit of myself back, constantly, in everything … then I never tried my hardest.” That is classic twentysomething. That is why so many people in this age group feel stuck. And that is something you are going to regret when you are 80.

So put yourself out there. Put 100% into it. Get what you want, or learn what you don’t, or go fail, fail again, and fail some more, if you have to. You don’t have to be “the best,” as you mention in your video. You just have to be.

If you’d like to Ask Alex about life, love, jobs, home, family, friends, emotional, or identity issues, email her at robbinsbooks(AT)gmail.com.


Alexandra Robbins is a journalist who has written for several publications, including Vanity Fair, The New Yorker, Atlantic Monthly, The Washington Post, and Forbes, and regularly appears on national television on shows such as The Colbert Report, Oprah, The Today Show, 60 Minutes, Anderson Cooper 360, and The View. Some of her books include Conquering Your Quarterlife Crisis: Advice From Twentysomethings Who Have Been There and Survived; Pledged: The Secret Lives of Sororities; and Secrets of the Tomb, about George W. Bush’s secret society Skull and Bones. A consultant on generational topics, she frequently lectures at universities, high schools, corporations, alumni and professional associations, and other organizations about quarterlife issues, and has interviewed thousands of twentysomethings and thirtysomethings on the subject.

Hailed by the press as “an excellent stylist and a first-rate mind” and “a media celebrity,” Robbins has developed a riveting signature style of investigative journalism that reads like a fast-paced work of fiction. The New York Times said Robbins’ latest book, The Overachievers, an Editors’ Choice, “reads like very good ...fiction, thanks to its winning cast, its surprising plot twists and its pushy parents.” People Magazine named The Overachievers its Critics’ Choice, gave it four out of four stars and called it “impossible to put down,” and Entertainment Weekly called it “quick and riveting.”

However, these days, Alexandra seems to be more commonly known as the chick who called Stephen Colbert a d-bag.

For more information, please visit www.alexandrarobbins.com


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