How to Improve Your Child's Memory

Sep 29, 2007 - 00:22 AM PST

If you've ever wanted to reduce your child's chances of growing up to be that guy who rides on the back of that loud putrid truck -- the one that wakes you up in the morning when it cruises through your alley to pick up your trash, then this is the article for you.

Things You'll Need

* Nerves of steel
* Drivers Ed
* Car insurance

Step One
Lose the television.

I realize you'd probably prefer to kill me instead of your television -- especially after you hear this (because it's always more satisfying when the messenger bites it), but it's been empirically proven that TV weakens children's attention.

Big deal ... I know, but I promise it’s much worse.

Researchers discovered that with each additional hour that a child under age four watches TV, his or her chances of developing attention problems at age seven increase by 9 percent.

NINE PERCENT!

Big deal, you're thinking... Well, not so fast, tweedle dee. That nine percent may not seem like a lot right now, but mark my tweedle dumb, twenty years from now, when your neighbors have chased you out of your neighborhood because your son *still* can't drive the garbage truck in a straight line, and sadly, he's crashed it into many -- if not all -- of your neighbors' cars, you're going to remember that nine percent and you're going to wish you had taken me more seriously.

Go ahead and snicker. There’s nothing funny about what happens when a girl tries to dance to her favorite Teletubbies soundtrack, the one her mum gave her when she was seven, but because her brain is so fried from all the TV, she can’t quite keep time with the music, or make her hands meet when she tries to clap them. How do I know? I *am* that girl. Only now I'm 30, and I still love Teletubies.

Take it from me – your TV belongs in the trash can that someone else’s junior will be emptying in the morning. Don't blame me when he totals your car ...