I am not less than three.

Mar 17, 2008 - 12:45 PM PST

I check my facebook with revolting devotion. That's the sole reason I dread spring break. Well, no, that's not true, they're are endless reasons why I dread spring break; facebook is more like the result of spring break's lovely destructive fury. Spring break is ... well, I think I'd collapse without a break from school, especially when I'm at said school for the entirety of my day. Yes, boarding school. After the segments during which I'm at school for a good solid three months, I'm prepared to have both the motive and will to rip the heads off of most of my closest friends without any regret. Unfortunately, I get the same frustration for my BI pals when I venture 'home' for those tortuous three weeks. Don't get me wrong; I do care about my friends both at 'home' and at school. I'm not one of those people who begins a story with 'one time, my friend....well, no, she's not really my friend... I actually hate her...' though i have done that countlessly... ugh, I'm not really making much sense; I haven't taken the time to sit and properly write out my thoughts in much too long.
Where was I? Right. Spring break and why it sucks. Well, for starters, my spring break is an all-holy three weeks long, mouth-watering to any public-schooler I've encountered. Three weeks of pure, unadulterated boredom for me. I like my alone-time every so often, but I can't stand fourteen hours of solitude, packed into this barren hole that once was my bedroom (stripped of all home-ish qualities last fall) having no contact with the outside world other than facebook (and now, quarterlife) It's horribly frustrating knowing that I'm wasting what little relaxation time I have, well, relaxing, when I should be going into the city, diving off of cliffs, shaving my head, anything but this.
"So go call up one of your friends," my parents tell me flatly as I croon my sad melody to them. It's not so easy. I only have a certain capacity for interaction with people when I plainly don't want to be around them. It's not as if I don't like them, or that I'm angry with them or anything like that. It's simply that I just don't feel like it. That's not my fault, right? I shouldn't always have to be the people pleaser (which I always am. always.) Can I just have a break from being the fallback friend? I'm the type of person who calls back when the other person promises to and never does. That doesn't really make much sense, but work with me. I'm just trying to get this out. There are only a select few of my closest friends who I'd ever tell my inner thoughts with, and I guess that's you, world.

Oh, and I forgot to mention how my at-school friends are constantly at each others throats and can almost never seem to work things out. Ever. Unless I butt in. Then, three days later, they'll realize that my butting in was 'nosy' or 'backstabbing' or whatever the hell else they want to call it in order to make themselves feel less like ideots for arguing in the first place. Not one of them will ever admit that they're wrong. Never. I, on the other hand, am the pushover who admits she's wrong even if I was gone for the weekend when it happened. Honestly, I could have been in peace corps finding the cure for world hunger, and they get into a stupid fight over not getting one friend a Christmas present, eventually the blame would be mine. Narcissistic, I know, but I'm a hypocrite, as you'll oon discover.

I must admit that compared to all my friends, my life is most definitely parallel with perfection. Every one of them has a single parent, two have financial issues, two have been abused, one lives on her own in Vancouver while her mom goes spelunking around the world. Yes, bringing up any of my problems compared to theirs would be both ignorant and ridiculous. But they just assume just because I have a cushy life, I don't deserve the right to complain. Which is true, I guess, but entirely unfair. They expect me to be some sort of vacuum to clean up all they're problems and sit in the closet with them, my own issues piling up inside me.

I don't even remember what I started with, and I don't really care to scroll up and look.
I vented, I'm clear. The vacuum bag is still full, but it's too heavy for me to lift right now.


I want to close with the entirely cliche 'peace' because it seems to suit.
so, yeah.
peace.