I am not less than three. (part 2: much better than part 1)

Mar 18, 2008 - 00:46 AM PST

Gah. Meh. Bleh. Eugh.

That usually sums up my most complicated vocabulary at this hour of the night (day, I suppose? It's 1:46 am) but that whole desperate loneliness thing is kind of nagging me to do something more or less productive. Normally I'd be scribbling these thoughts into my trusty ultra-slick Shakespeare paperblanks fold-up book, which, unfortunately, will most probably being going to waste from now on considering my new-found affection for this site. Though I'm not entirely sure whether or not I'll make this post public.

Anyway, as I had begun with something about loneliness, I guess I should continue. So. Yeah. I'm lonely. Comes with the territory of being on spring break and having 'guess what?!' no friends outside of school (excepting one conveniently placed in a different city called Seattle while I'm stuck on The Rock). So now I'm lamenting in my rather chilly, sparse bedroom listening to the KEXP song of the day podcast on minimum volume, hoping my parents don't suddenly spring to life from their slumber and wrap at my door for me to hush down.

What had I been saying in my first blog? Oh. Right. How my friends at school treat me like a vacuum. Hmm, I need another clever metaphor (oh, crap, simile, I used ‘like’, damn) to describe my at-home shituation. No, that’s not a typo. I don’t know, my hometown homies don’t really seem to treat me like anything, come to think of it. I’m more like ‘that girl who used to be my best friend and sort of went to boarding school so I’ll answer her calls every once in a while’. I keep in touch regularly with a grand total of one of my friends from home. He didn’t even go to my school. I’ve only known him for a little over a year. My other ‘friends’? Yeah. Nine years. Nine. And what’s worse, this guy who is supposed to be my bestest friend ever is acting weirdly cold and distant, even though leading up to break, he got my hopes up with all this grandeur of making movies and getting fantastic hilarious shenanigans every day, all day. Big shock. That didn’t happen. Firstly, he has school. Secondly, he has school. And thirdly, I have no idea what’s been going on with him. I’ve tried to connect with him, but it’s not really going too fantastically. He has a qlife page, but I’m too afraid that if I look him up, he’ll find some reason to get mad, and I’d rather keep my one solid friend I have on this cold, cruel slab of earth they call Bainbridge.

He’s one of those people I don’t act myself around. I can talk to him and everything, and it’s great, I act really naturally around him, but it’s this weird sort of natural… like a different side of me that is me but isn’t the sort of me I wish people would see me as. None of my close friends see me that way. The only person who comes close is my friend from the city (who also goes to my school), but she tends to get on my nerves sometimes because, as conceited as this sounds, she tries so desperately to become ‘cooler’ by taking things we kind of have in common and making it HER. She’ll actually take things that are clearly ME and engross herself in it. But that’s just my petty fourteen-year-old girl speaking.

Anyway, I get along with all my friends great when we get together, but I can’t connect with a single one of them. I’m entirely immersed in my own thoughts and can’t share them properly with others (mostly because the majority of my friends tend to be perpetually overly immature; don’t get me wrong, I’m all for not-growing-up-too-fast, but I’m also all for some stimulating conversation every once in a blue moon, you know?)

But then on the other hand, even though sometimes I feel, to put it bluntly and almost completely unlike how I feel, ‘too good’ for my friends, sometimes they make me feel so inadequate, worthless, stupid, and… blechh and I just hate it and I want to run away with to Europe and live the picturesque life of a bar-hopper going to see gigs of low-key bands all over the UK.

And, unfortunately, being a fourteen-year-old girl, I have to whine and complain about my complete lack of love life or any sort of relationship. Like, ever. Or anything really worth mentioning. There is one incident I might go into at a later time involving me falling asleep and waking up practically in the lap of one of my closest guy friends, him attempting to kiss me as my alarm and me longing for a snooze button. But honestly, you can’t blame me for wanting someone to confide in, someone who could replace this website (though all two of you readers out there, who undoubtedly are either very bored or very blind to have continued reading this far) and who would quite simply love me for who I am and not expect all these things my stupid frustrating friends nag from me constantly. Someone who will love me for my flaws and my annoying idiosyncrasies, to listen, talk, and just be with me and sincerely care enough about me to call and say ‘What’s up?”
Someone to say that I’m worth more than three. Maybe four, seven, fifty-six. Though I’m flattering myself.

Anyway, on that note, I’m going to attempt to stifle my alertness and doze off.

G’night.