I am not shrinking anymore

May 27, 2008 - 09:22 AM PST

I took a workshop a few weeks ago with 10 other women. Usually in these cases when i am in a group of women- I tend to become a chameleon-
I hold back on some level to make other women feel comfortable around me.
I have always been aware of this part of me- I practiced early on with my mom and sister- having to hide my full power out of fear THEY will not feel comfortable.
I felt as if it was my responsibility to make others feel good - and this meant not being FULLY me.
Through this divorce I have had many moments of my ego being shredded. When a man i love- spent many years with, created a child with - decides to attack me personally- judge and degrade me as a mom and a woman out of his own anger- I have HAD to realize that I NEED TO HAVE MY OWN BACK.
shrinking does not serve anyone in the end. I end up feeling SUCKED dry for a moment of giving others that sense of comfort.
When i went to this workshop a few weeks ago i made a vow to myself that i would not shrink-
I showed up in my fullest sense of self- and it felt incredible. there were two women in particular that wanted nothing to do with me.
They were not rude- but i sensed immediately they did not want to look at me or talk to me.
I took it personally- and immediately felt the NEED to get them to "like me and feel good around me"
that voice came up and I chose to release that need and continue to ALLOW what was- to just be.

At our lunch break I ironically was waiting on line for the bathroom with these two women-
not a coincidence. I stood there and saw myself wanting to start a conversation - see how I can get them to feel more comfortable around me, etc.
yet, i chose to just BE-
one of the women initiated a conversation-the first time she looked at me actually.
it was a simple conversation- and I still remained ME within it.
She then stated, "When you came into the workshop I was intimidated. you just seemed like you had it all together, and knew who you were and it was hard for me. i feel so confused and lost in my life, and watching you made me realize how important it is to meet people who are clear and can show me what is possible", Wow. I cannot choose to shrink- not anymore. I honor WHY I needed to before- to get by in my family structure and in some ways, protect myself.
I understand WHY i needed to with my soon to be ex-husband because when I was FULLY me-
he left. emotionally. He left. Physically. He did not want that.
And that is all good. Whether this woman came up to me and shared or whether my ex husband will ever really "want' me is irrelevent. It is not my JOB to find that out- it is my playful J.O. B (Joy Of Being)to BE me and expand with joy of BEING...

Lets choose to stop the shrinking- in all WAYS
the dieting, the self neglect, the not asking for what we want sexually and with pleasure -for not speaking out loud, for not playing fully in our lives...
Lets PLAY with a voice that is full of power not to win OVER or FIGHT with, but full of power of self knowledge, trust and love.

Its time.

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