I don't even know

Jul 21, 2008 - 20:23 PM PST

I feel silly even bothering to put this anywhere that isn't locked away in my own head but I can't keep it there anymore. I'm sock of people depending on me for support. To be honest, I don't give a shit about any of them at this point. People that are supposed to be my best friends have never once just accepted me. Nor have they ever been there when I really needed to lean on someone. Yet without hesitation I have been there for all of them when they needed extra support. Not only are they not there for me, but they find it necessary to comment on my choices every step I take. I have reached a point where I don't want to care about my closest friends. I want to see them flounder and have no one to give them a reassurance they need. Not one of them understands that friendships are a give and take.

I heard from the girl who was supposed to be my best friend tonight. It was the first contact I have had with her since last November. She brought up the guy I have been split from for almost a year as if he and I broke up a month ago. Why should I invest in these people if all they are going to do is drain me of my ability to care? I get enough people draining me at my job. I would much prefer friends who I could feel comfortable sowing vulnerability in front of.

I have nothing left to give and I feel it is my turn for support. Yet I have no idea where to even look. And the more I think about it the more depressed I become.