I don't exactly have a title yet.

Mar 06, 2008 - 09:10 AM PST

Winter always made me feel amazing. Around the first snowfall, I’m always smiling. I have this feeling inside me. I can feel the cool air in my lungs, and it’s just…refreshing. Very refreshing. The snow is so gorgeous and white and then, it starts to turn to slush. It gets bitter cold outside, and before you know it, your hands are cracking and your lips are chapped. You lose your summer tan, and start to gain weight from all the Christmas cookies you devoured. Somehow, it ruins that refreshing feeling I get. It’s kind of like that feeling when you meet someone new. Someone you can imagine spending the rest of your life with, having kids, living your life to the fullest. Then, you find out he’s taken or doesn’t feel the same and that feeling, well that’s like having chapped lips. And God knows, I’m in desperate need of some chapstick.
I’m average. I don’t get whistles from the jocks while I walk by them during basketball practice, but it’s not like the chess geeks are the only guy’s I’ll ever associate with. Guy’s call me pretty and everything but for some strange reason, it never seems legit. Ha-ha. Strange reason. Of course I know why they say that. I just don’t want to believe it. I want to believe that I’ll find that guy out there for me. The guy who’s against abortion as much as me, and thinks books are more interesting than playboy magazines. I’ve met the few that think they know how to mess with a girl’s mind. The kind that pretend they know what they’re talking about. The kind that have an imaginary notebook in their head, and they’re secretly taking notes. The fake ones. The kind who will screw you over so many times, until you finally realize that their apologizes mean shit. Oh boy, I’ve had my share. I just want the guy who will bring me chapstick. And not just any chapstick. The kind that’s super medicated and works almost instantly. I mean, maybe they’ll make that kind someday. The chapstick that heals all your lip sores and keeps them healed forever. I wouldn’t mind it.
I walked outside in my fake Uggs and headed toward Brianna’s house. The sound of wet snow slushing under my feet made me shiver. It was March. The end of winter. The cold, gray, brown slush month. I avoided all the ice patches and made it to her front door. I knocked as I opened the door and took off my boots and jacket. I walked down the long hall and opened Brianna’s door.
“Hellooooooo!” She yelled from inside her closet. I sat down on her bed and grabbed her favorite teddy bear.
“Hey dude. When are we gonna start it?” I shouted to her as I pet the soft fur.
“Uh, like five minutes, I’m trying to find something to wear.” She called back. I already had the perfect outfit. I was wearing jeans with this t-shirt that said “It’s getting hot in here” and it had a picture of a globe in a bra and panties. I thought it was amazing. Brie said it was weird, which figured. She thought that me being worried about Global Warming was strange. She was obsessed with calendars. Everyone has a collection of something, I understand that. But Brianna took it a bit too far. She had them covering her walls, as if she found a wallpaper that just had calendars on it. Some dated all the way back to 1979, don’t even ask me how she found those. She had them packed under her bed, in her drawers, her closet, she even made her dad build her a special chest just to hold them. I never made fun of her, or told her how weird it was. I never told anybody except Buster, my dog. She never told anyone about how obsessed I am with abortion, or global warming. We were friends. Good friends. We’d stay that way forever, disagreeing. Although, there were two things that we both couldn’t live without. Basketball, and boys. We didn’t actually play. We just watched and cheered them on. They loved the attention and we loved when they “readjust” themselves during a time-out. We made signs and we went to all of their games. We’d been going since we were freshman. That’s where my other friends came in. The entire JV Basketball team. Well, most of them at least. We hung out almost every day after practice and on the weekends too. But no matter how hard I tried, none of them could see me other than their best friend, Madeline. They were like my big bad older brothers. They all had to protect us, which was fine and everything. But for once, I wanted Cole to hug me like he felt something.
“Are you okay?” Brianna asked snapping her fingers in front of my face.
“Yeah, I guess I zoned out a little.” I told her, standing up and following her into our green screen room. She grabbed the camera, set it on the tripod and repositioned the set. The “set” was a bed (complete with a houndstooth comforter), a desk with her laptop sitting on top, and a nightstand sitting next to the king-sized bed. We had it in front of a bright pink painted wall. On the another wall was the green screen, the one opposite that was blue, and the last one was orange. We had a bathroom set up in front of the blue wall, and a kitchen set up in front of the orange wall. All of it was authentic, and real-looking. In the middle of the room sat a big tri-pod with a professional, expensive camera. Lights hung from the ceiling, illuminating our incredible sets. Inside the closet which happened to be on the orange wall, was extra tapes, lens, cameras, and props. There were more lights, extra green screen material and a back-up camera. This sounds a bit too good to be true, right? It Is. To a degree. The sets, are, well, cheap looking. They’re homemade yet detailed. The lights were on sale at Lowe’s and the camera was an ordinary home movie-making camcorder. The bedroom set had Brianna’s old mattress as a bed, and the green screen was an old green sheet. The closet was full of crap. It was simply storage. So it wasn’t as picture-perfect as it seemed. But it meant more to us than our life itself. I grew up wanting to act. I just couldn’t seem to get a break. Either could Brianna, and one day we decided to take matters into our own hands.
“I can’t get over how cool this room has become.” Brianna said as she flopped onto the mattress.
“Brie. It’s so cheap looking. Do you know how amazing we could make this?!”
“Okay. Have fun trying to get the money Maddie.” She rolled her eyes. Of course we didn’t have enough money. We were sophomores in high school, who had a web-show that aired from their little house in the middle of nowhere. We weren’t professional. We didn’t get paid. We didn’t live in Hollywood. We hadn’t got a break yet, and we had been doing that show for a year and a half already.It just didn’t seem worth it anymore.
“Well, let’s get started!” I told her, trying to sound hopeful again.
“Alright. So, today I think we’re going to show how Cole’s character feels about yours!”
“Wait. Today? We’re doing that today? When are they coming over?”
“Well, just Cole. He’s like in the shower or something. He said he’ll be here by 4, so we have another half hour. Let’s set up the scene a bit. I’m thinking you should be laying on your stomach on the laptop or something…” I let her voice trail off. I knew that our characters we’re falling in love and everything but I wasn’t prepared for that. I know it sounds crazy, but it just so happens that Cole was a pretty good actor. Dylan, and Kyle were too. Cole was so, real and unique. I would have never seen it coming. About a year ago, we asked them to help us with the show. Braden and Matt were mostly the camera crew, but we all switched jobs. I think Brianna secretly added Cole and I falling for each other in the script on purpose. Although, I didn’t mind. I helped her set everything up while we waited for our friend.
“Okay here’s yours and I’ll read Cole’s. You need to practice this a little bit before he gets here.” Brianna handed me a packet of papers. I flipped through it and saw it. ‘They kiss’. It was there in bold letters at the very end while the view faded out and I could practically feel my heart busting out of my chest. We were actors. It meant nothing. I had to deal with it. I took a deep breath and flipped to the front. I practiced the first few pages with Brie and then Cole walked through the door. His hair was still damp, and I could smell him across the room.
“You can’t have wet hair! It will look TOTALLY weird! Come on. I’m blowdrying it!” Brianna grabbed his arm and yanked him into the bathroom as I got up to follow them. He sat on the toilet as she got out her purple hairdryer and plugged it in.
“Hey Cole.” I told him as I sat down on the edge of the tub.
“Hey Maddie!,” He told me smiling. “, I guess I’m supposed to dry my hair?”
“Well yeah, it might look a little suspicious if you show up at my house with wet hair.” I told him reaching over and fussing his hair around.
“Okay. Ready?” Brianna asked holding her dryer as if it was a weapon.
“Yeah Brie. I’ve dried my hair before.” He smiled and took it.
“Well, fine! We’ll be practicing.” She told him as we walked out and into the green screen room. I heard the dryer turn on and make that loud humming noise as we walked back into the room. I positioned myself on the bed and read over the script again. The show was mostly improv. Except for when Brianna had to have everything perfect. Then we kept our scripts with us on set until we got it perfect. Cole came back, dry hair as we saw Braden and Matt running through the door behind him.
“Are we late?!” They asked us in between breaths.
“I thought you guys weren’t coming?” Brianna asked.
“Of course we are! Who else would film and hold up the lights?!” They smiled and nudged each other. Wonderful. As if it wasn’t awkward enough, I had to kiss Cole in front of three of my best friends and a video camera while huge bright lights were beaming down on me.
“Okay, let’s get started. Maddie’s going to be on the bed, Cole will walk in on his que. They have their scripts with them this time.” Brie was in charge, as always. That’s the way she liked it. I preferred to act. That’s it. I waited for the countdown and began typing away on the laptop as soon as they started recording. Cole came in right on time, and we started reading notes. He was explaining he had something to tell me. I played along like I had no idea what he was talking about. We went back and forth without missing a line when Cole mispronounced “the”. We started from a few sentences before and kept going until he finally came clean and told me. My reaction seemed legit, at least I thought it did. I did a pretty good job and then he was just about to lean in and kiss me….
“CUT!” Brianna to the rescue.
“What?” Cole asked.
“You weren’t even paying attention to what Adrianna was saying! Start from the sentence before ‘I could’ Madeline.”
So, I started again. We really had it going good and I could see Braden and Matt with both cameras getting different views of it, waiting for the big moment. I read my last line and looked into Cole’s big brown eyes and he grabbed my hand. I looked to my hand, and then back to his face, right as he leaned in to touch his lips to mine. It was gentle and believable. We both pulled away and looked at each other.
“I, um-” Cole mumbled.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him again, this time more meaningful and longer. I could hear Braden turn off the camera and I felt their eyes piercing through my skin. But, we didn’t stop. Not until they turned the lights off and Brianna came over.
“You guys having fun?” she asked.
We both pulled away and looked at each other embarrassed. I smiled at him and looked at Brianna who looked at Braden and Matt.
“We, um, wanted to make sure we had enough of that scene.” Cole tried to explain.
“Yeah, and we didn’t know you turned off the cameras!” I backed him up.
“Oh, okay, well that was awesome. I loved what you added at the end! Good improvisation!” Brianna congratulated me.
I just smiled.
“So, let’s upload this and start editing. We’ll add the other scenes from last week in there too. We might have a new episode by tonight!”
Everyone smiled and headed for Brianna’s room, which held the computer. I looked at the clock, which read 4:50.
“Oh my god! You guys, I have to go. I have ten minutes to get home for dinner and it’s at least a 20 minute walk. I’ll see you guys at school tomorrow!”
“Well, do you want a ride? I was just about to leave too. I’m gonna go practice my free throws.” Cole asked me.
Yeah like I could say ‘no’ to that offer. A ride home with my best friend who I was in love with. I wanted to. I really did. It was going to be so awkward. But what other choice did I have?
“Oh! Cole, I’d love that, Thanks so much.” I told him smiling. We ran to the car, jumped in and started driving. We didn’t say much except small talk about the new episode and how cool it would be. I just sat there, sneaking glances at the side of Cole’s face. I was so excited to be driving in a car with him. He was still only 16. Actually, he was one of the first kid’s to get his permit in our grade. I smiled to myself as I thought of what this must look like to a pedestrian. They probably saw us in the car, two young kids driving, and thought…well nothing. Who would walk by a car and actually care about the people inside it or where they’re going? I got caught up in my own world too much sometimes.
“So, today was weird. Wasn’t it for you?” He asked me.
“Yeah, I guess so. It wasn’t bad though.” I smiled.
“Well obviously. I’m an amazing kisser.” He laughed.
“You are!” I told him which made the conversation ten times more weird.
“Yeah…You weren’t half bad either.” He told me, suddenly serious.
“Thanks, That’s why I love acting. You can be an entirely different person.”
We pulled up to my house before he could say anything.
“Thanks again for the ride! I completely appreci-”
I stopped mid-sentence as he pulled me in and kissed me again. It was quick, but I felt something. Something I didn’t feel in Brianna’s house. I couldn’t explain it but it was there. I sat there, staring at him.
“Maddie? Is that you?” I heard my mom yelling from the kitchen window.
“I, um, Have to, um go?” I told him giggling.
“I’m sorry. Can I call you tonight?” He asked.
“Definitely.” I said as I grabbed the door to his jeep and jumped out.
I walked to my front door, went inside, grabbed a pillow off the living room couch and screamed into it.


I wish my life was like a movie. Where I scream into a pillow, smile to myself and then soon you hear soft music playing and you see my genuine grin fade into black. My alternate reality seemed less like such a Kodak moment. My dad, who was sitting on the couch watching the football game, yelled at me.
“Damnit Madeline! You scared me half to death!”
“Sorry dad.” I mumbled as I stood up to head towards my room, dropping the pillow as I left. I guess everything doesn’t work out perfectly. On my way through the kitchen I caught a wift of dinner. It just so happened to be chicken. That’s what we had every night. Chicken this and chicken that. Mom tried to spice is up a bit, and change it around. It just got boring. You can only eat so much of one meat in your life. If my older brother wasn’t so crazy about red meat, we’d be able to have steak here and there. Noah thought eating meat was disgusting. He wouldn't even let my mother make it for the rest of us. Which, I agreed and everything, but I’m sorry. I could only go so long without a hamburger. I almost felt sorry for my parents. They had a crazy son who was against eating cows, and a daughter who went nuts at the thought of killing innocent babies in the womb. Which is wrong. Incredibly wrong.
Anyways, I walked into my room. I looked on the walls to find the wallpaper I’ve had since I was eight years old. Bright pink with butterflies. The windows had curtains with bumble bees, and my poor desk was one big lady bug. My favorite part of the room was the mural of a huge smiling caterpillar on my ceiling. It was taunting me. Sitting there smiling at me while I laid in bed at night. I mean, I had attempted to cover the hideous wallpaper with multiple different ideas. I tried picture frames, big dressers, spray paint. I even tried ripping it off. My mom always seemed to get pissed and caught me as I was shaking the paint can, or looking for the hammer to beat my desk to shreds. Possibly, having this stuff in my room made my mom feel like she wasn’t done. She wasn’t done raising children. She still had her little baby left. I understood it and everything and I loved that she thinks of me as her last chance at a kid, but I drew the line at the oversized caterpillar. I was a sophomore and I had a boyfriend. Well, almost. She just needed to move on.
It’s not like I never had a boyfriend. I mean, there was that guy in the second grade that told me he liked my shoes and then kissed me on the lips by the swing-set during recess. How about eighth grade? I had my first real boyfriend and we only went to the movies every Friday and made out in the very back seats against the wall. Then there were the few failed attempts my freshman year, and the beginning of tenth grade was pretty boy-free. But I had matured. I grew up since eighth grade and when I meant boyfriend, I meant a guy that I could talk to, go on dates with, bring home to my parents. Not just a H.U.B. in the movie theatre.
I turned my monitor on, and sat down at my computer. I checked my aim, nothing. Logged on face book, nothing. Attempted myspace, got a friend request from “Bob” and a message from Tom about some new feature. I came back from away and waited for someone, anyone to IM me. When that failed, I looked for Cole’s screename. He was offline, which figured. He never actually stayed on for more than five minutes.