i know not how to rest

May 08, 2008 - 11:13 AM PST

its been 7 days since my myomectomy. i had a uterine myomectomy last thursday!! God is so amazingly faithful!!! by my side He hasn't left - HA! never alone. i soooo didn't want to have surgery, who wants to have surgery?! but i needed to have it and i'm glad i was able to have it when i had it - definitely a direct result of the awesomeness of the GREAT GOD i serve. march 4th - never felt so bad in my life, couldn't go to work the next day and by its end realized whatever i was going through was related to those damn fibroids (before that day, the only thing that would get a damn fibroids out of me would be length and heaviness). by day 3 of the roughest week i've had, i'd researched enough to scare me to death (my uterus was having a heart attack) and needed to go to urgent care. i found out that the virgin had a uterus the size of a woman 3 months pregnant. what great irony right? nonetheless the process started. i had an issue that needed to be dealt with. knowing the doctors would tell me that i'd need surgery, i went hard on the daniel diet and started taking herbs (which i miss). had an ultrasound - yeah, no...there wasn't time to try to shrink the fibroids by diet, they needed to be removed and because i'll be leaving kaiser in a matter of months, they needed to be removed urgently. fearful and freaked out i had to get to the place where i trusted God to make this all work out...it needed to happen in may in order for me to have enough time to take medical leave and recover WELL before school starts. (I'M GOING TO GRAD SCHOOL!!!! such a trip the best and hardest news i've ever gotten, i received in tandem - great lesson on how quickly the awe and excitement and to a degree gratefulness for what God has done can be clouded by the not so great stuff that comes up. that reality was actually pretty frustrating for me...another entry will have to be given to PAIN and WAITING.) anyway, God is dope. i met with dr. ghodsi (after making about 4 appointments, none soon enough etc.), was very comfortable with her, let her know what i needed, left her office with her word that though the operating schedule for may might be full, she'd inform them to call me should anything open up. i lost my breath when i got the phone call a week and 2 days before surgery that it was scheduled for may 1st. a week of fighting with anxiety with the truth of God's faithfulness and hand in my life and immediate situation came and went, i had MAJOR surgery - 2 hours and 45 minutes to remove 17 fibroids (not just the 4 big ones noted on the ultrasound) and am on the road to recovery.

recovery...that means rest. sitting my ass down to rest. i don't know how to do it cause i never do it. i had to get cut open to sit still and sitting still makes me want to break out and run. i've been sitting in my house for 3 days. day 1: the looooooooooongest day ever. day 2: much better days 3 and 4: company WOOHOO!!! between days 1 & 2 i had a couple of moments where i was really frustrated by the reality that the people disappear when you get home from the hospital. i'd been alone since sunday morning when everyone was at church. since sunday, when everyone was at church, dav had been the only one consistently keeping me company by way of simply TALKING TO ME. pretty sad truth that my fear of my friends kinda came true (minus convos with kelli & liana and herb and age coming to visit me). he's been a GREAT friend. interesting conversation with best friend about the reality that she was a part of the disappointment. my prayer and explanation was that i not be angry and not compare her to me and how i do things and her explanation re: fear of inadequacy. hard talk, good talk.

its time for motrin. i think i've written enough for the moment. more to come, i have plenty of time.