I should be doing homework, but instead I am blogging

Nov 11, 2007 - 22:57 PM PST

Songs listened to why writing this blog:
“Someday the Waves”—Iron and Wine
“Save Me”—Josh Verdes
“Company Calls Epilogue (Alternate)”—Death Cab for Cutie
“Waiting for You” Ben Harper
“Dear Jaime…Sincerely Me”—HelloGoodbye
“Numb”—Pink
“Trance Manual”—John Vanderslice
“Breaking the Habit”—Linkin Park
“The Beautiful”—Kate & Meredith
“Does He Love You?”—Rilo Kiley
My mind is…lost. Somewhere between limited summer socializing and fall registration I have lost all desire to function like a normal girl should. I didn’t want to go to parties or stick my chest out hoping that some guy would finally ask me out. I felt…I feel empty; devoid of all typical youthful desires, but ironically not lacking at all in the “teenage angst” department. The funny thing is, I don’t think anyone has noticed. Okay, so maybe that’s not funny. It might be a little sad. Instead of sitting down and writing this all out I could probably just make a video to the same effect, but that’s just it. I don’t want the world to see me. (Cue music) CAUSE I DON’T THINK THAT THEY’D UNDERSTAND!!!!!!
Okay, so maybe I’m getting off track. The point is that in two days I will have been twenty for a month and I’m not freaking out or anything….
….
…
Okay, I’m freaking out, but not because my life is over.
I know that my life isn’t over. In fact it’s just beginning and that is scarier than anything. I look around and see my friends shining in their various fields making something of themselves and I can’t help but find myself caught at an impasse. I’m afraid of what comes after college, this big sea called the real world. I’m terrified that I will stumble into it, and drown. Even worse, I am afraid I will stumble into it, drown and no one will notice.
I need sleep. I need water. I need to pee. I need to laugh. I need to cry. I need a good fuck. I need to be loved. I need to go to church. I need to get off the internet. I need new friends. I need my old friends. I need everything and nothing in between.

I need a break.
This blog is pointless, if you are still reading this…kudos to you. It means you care that I am unraveling.

Don’t be alarmed that I am unraveling because it might sound bad at the moment, but to me it’s a beautiful scary time. It’s not like I’m falling apart. It’s not that at all. It’s more like I’ve been developing inside this cocoon and it’s falling off and I am finally seeing the world and it seeing me. Who will be more shocked has yet to be discovered, but one thing is for sure…we are both seeing something new.

Are you still reading? Really?...Well, I’m done, so stop.