I was "let go". I am jobless. Go me.

Mar 20, 2008 - 01:09 AM PST

My boss called me into the exam room, handed me a check and told me he had to let me go. I stood there for a second. It was like the words didn't process, almost as if it were in slow motion. Then I started to freak out. I asked him why and he just said "Your services are no longer needed". I couldn't help it, I started crying. I HATE crying in front of people I work with or work for. It shows weakness. It shows that I don't have a thick skin in certain situations, even though I should. God knows I've been through it enough times.

To make it worse, he didn't even close the exam room door and he was in the middle of doing a contact lens follow up, so I have this kid who is about 15, standing there in the doorway watching this take place. At first I cared, then I didn't. My dignity was shot to hell anyway, why not let this kid see what happens in the real world when you get fired for some bullshit reason and there is nothing you can do.

I asked my boss again....why? He said there was no reason, that he didn't have to give me one, and again he repeated that my services were no longer needed. That phrase is infamous in our office. It's his security blanket. He won't fire for cause because he doesn't want to get sued for wrongful termination. So, he says that your services are no longer needed.

I told him that I had to have done SOMETHING because this was so far left field that it was almost a complete circle. Guess what his response was? If you guessed " Your services are no longer needed". You win.

I told him about my health insurance and how it JUST went through and I JUST filled out the paperwork. You don't give someone paperwork to fill out, spend money in enrolling them into the policy when you are thinking about firing them. Oh, I'm sorry....letting them go. He told me I could have my COBRA and that I can also file for unemployment and he won't fight it. Gee, that was mighty big of him there. He deserves a gold star for that one. The generosity just oozed out of that sentence. I should have bowed.

After that was the general shock from my co-workers when I grabbed my stuff and stormed out. Well, Mark (evil co-worker from the depths of hell)didn't seem too surprised and I knew it had something to do with him (it's a long story and frankly not worth getting into). He was the shark, I was the guppy and he was mad at me. Win for Mark

So here I am. Jobless.

I feel a myriad of things. I feel like everyone is really saying "I told you so" in their head but putting on a concerned and empathetic front. I'm sure it validated the end of our relationship to my ex. He almost broke up with me once before because of having to find a new job. That's how supportive he was. Money is his livelihood. It's not mine.

If this had happened at any other job I could probably have an idea what the reason was. However, this job was different. I actually liked my job and the people I worked with (well, minus Hades' sidekick, Mark). I worked my ass off, created relationships with patients, took initiative and made killer sales. So what did I do wrong this time?

Before I was so used to people not believing in me, my mother, my boyfriend, that I guess it rubbed off on myself. I know I sabotaged certain jobs, just because I thought I'd fuck it up anyway. I'm not feeling sorry for myself here. I don't expect a violin. It's just I've come to realize that knowing they didn't believe in me caused a chain reaction in myself. This was such a different story, and here I am, back in the same situation.

So much for changing huh?