I'm Goin Crazy...

Feb 24, 2008 - 22:29 PM PST



While I was a working and contributing human being of the world, I thought I couldn't do it anymore. Retail. Too much stress and too much responsibility for such little wages and benefits. College and what now? No job, no money, and nothing to show for it!

I wish I could, like my friends Berry and Christy said at our Obama convention, wave my diploma in some people's faces and say, "Pick me! Hire me!" It's pathetic how degrees don't mean much these days! And it's even more pathetic how I'm starting to truly disbelieve in my abilities.I'm like an indecisive cockroach scuttling about from one pile to the next trying to decide which pile of food is better or bigger, but worrying too much about being trampled to make a solid decision. I'm hopeless!

I really wish my destiny would just choose me and god would stop sending me all these worthless signals and semi-inspirational moments of clarity. Something in me gets inspired or challenged and I can't dare accept it or do anything about it. Its like this constant but random slap in the face asking me, "What are you doing with your life?"

I DON'T KNOW!

Its passing me and passing me by and I don't know what to do with myself. I just keep sinking further and further down into crazy and self-loathing. Nothing seems to work with me. Nothing seems to motivate me to be content and seek financial stability. Work is just so daunting. Life just seems to dismal.

I have a boyfriend that I can't be with. I have a family that loves me but is driving me nuts! And I have all these really big words and aspirations that won't boil down to just one set goal. I have no goals! I'm like this creative sleeping giant. The world is too small for what I want to do with my life, and I feel so big, awkward and grotesque inside to function normally in society. Feel like a mentally handicapped ogre who can't stand the sight of herself and is misunderstood for the way she is. As if my ugliness will contaminate the goodness in the world. I've caused so much disappointment in my life so why even try to make good of it?

Is this me giving up? I've wondered this day in and day out. Am I really done with life as I know it? Am I quitting? Nothing has ever been good enough so why try to keep going? These are major questions for me! I'm only 25-years-old, and I'm not suppose to feel like there's nothing more to life! That my time on earth is spent!

I'm terrible of thinking things up and making decisions. I'm terrible at loving people unconditionally. I'm terrible of taking care of myself and not just everyone else. I'm terrible at sticking to my guns and seeing things through all the way. I'm terrible at contributing to society. And I'm terrible at being me.