I'm lonely but your smile can heal me.

May 03, 2008 - 21:33 PM PST

The weekend is a time I really don't look forward to for the most part. It is a time of random moods and feelings that don't seem to match what is going on. I want to be alone but not lonely. I want to be around more positive people, but deep people too. I'm just sick of all the negativity that has infected my life on all levels. Friends, work, at home, I feel negativity everywhere and I just wish I felt inspired or at least felt like I belong anywhere. I get scared of losing it, every day. I have lost most contact with people who used to be my friend. Looking back, maybe it was all just an act. Maybe we romanticize the past and pretend we were closer than we actually were. Maybe I put too much stock in people I really shouldn't. I don't know why I write such things in here. Sometimes, I feel like just erasing things here, they sometimes make no sense to me. I write things but a lot of times I don't feel in control of what I type. This all comes out automatically. I get scared of losing my mind, of losing stability, of losing.

I got a bunch of toll violations recently and I kept passing this toll without realizing. I disconnected every time I drove back from work. Once I realized what i had done, it knocked me back to consciousness. I keep getting positive comments at work, and in fact, I do feel more alert. Our mistakes have many lessons they can teach, I suppose.

I feel like I have learned a lot, especially these past few months. I cannot wait to leave here. I don't have any regrets. I feel so disconnected, especially lately. I am scared though, I don't know where I am going to stay when I first get there, so that frightens me. Aside from that, I know all this will inspire me to do better and to basically, not fuck up. I have fucked up plenty of times in life and I want that part of me to be over it. In all honesty, many times there were situations where no matter what I did, it would have been messed up.

I feel lonely. I feel totally alone. I reach out to you and I can only hope that you feel at least the least bit of what I feel for you. At the same time I guess I am afraid to open myself up fully. I'm afraid of being hurt again, I'm afraid of leaving myself so open. I'm afraid you will break me. I don't want this to be a repeat of the past. This time it will be different, yes? Please promise me. I need some sort of guarantee that we will always be close on some level and you can confide in me. I'm not like them. Please tell me you care as much as I do.

You inspire me, you really do. When we first started talking, I felt alive again. I felt dead inside most of my life. You brought out things in me that I had no idea were there. I wish we could have been closer earlier in life. Maybe we were meant to be close now, maybe it's fate, or god, or some mysterious force, I don't know. I just know that I want us to always be honest with each other and I know you continue to inspire me. I never knew what kind of person you were, until now. I am glad we have those conversations. Remember I care. I hope you care as much. I want you to open up to me more.