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Tia | Rehoboth Beach, DE • United States , Age 23

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I'm tired of being nice

Feb 11, 2008 - 18:54 PM PST

I am at the end of my rope! My brother came to live with me in June. I found him a job, he stays at my houce, drives my car, and so on. Now he has a girlfriend, oh excuse me, a fiancee, and he just refuses to do anything else but be with her, lie around all day, or go for a walk together. I don't mind their happines and limerence and whatever. I tried to help them as much as I could. Her parents told her that they can not wait for her to move out and she was really upset. My brother was, too. They didn't have money to move out, and I hated to see them struggle. I propose that she move in with us and I will share room with another person, so they can have their own room and privacy. And that is goig to be till they get enough money to move out by themselve. What happens now is, I found my brother a job, because he didn't have a job for a wile, and he refused. I work my ass off, I manage all the bills, I take care of my car that we all share, I gave up my privacy, and havig my own room that I actually deserv to help them out, till they get enough money, and what are they doing to get money? NOTHING! I am Bulgarian, and for us the family is very important. The family bonds are very strong, and that is a big thing for my family. I hate to see my brother struggle but I just can't take it anymore. I feel like he is taking advantage of me. I don't think that he dose it on purpouse, but I'm not sure he will be able to realise it soon. I think I'm doing the right thing, but my feelings are doubtful. I just don't know anymore! Why I feel guilty, when I don't have to?

Title: I'm tired of being nice

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Added: 02-11-2008

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SimplyLuck

Mar 03, 2008 - 09:43 AM

I would give them a time limit, a reasonable amount of time where your brother or his fiance need to either get a job and start paying rent or find another place to live. simple as that. Maybe give him a month to find a job and then a month to start paying rent. you're brother is a grown man and he needs to learn to walk on his own two feet. Its like you're wading out in water and at first you were helping you're brother out by carrying him over your head so he wouldn't get wet, but now with his fiance in the mix the two of them are just too heavy for you to carry over your head and you're starting to drowned in the process while both of them are still dry. I don't know how good of an analogy that was but you get my point. It's alright to want to help your brother out but there is a fine line, and I think its seriously past that point. Another point of advice, I would strongly suggest that you make him sign some sort of agreement with all the term set in stone, it will probably save you a lot of head ache in the long run. Hope everything works out for you and good luck!

Lost_In_Pl...

Feb 12, 2008 - 21:14 PM

Your right family is very important, but there is your true problem. Family is sometimes the hardest part in life. You love your brother, but if you don't put a stop to it now what kind of things are you teaching both of them. Tough Love is the hardest of all. what will happen to all of you if you don't do something now, what happens when your all out of a place to live, no car or even worse no job, what will you all do then? I'm not suggesting you tell them to leave or anything like that but where will it all end for you. I have a brother who many years ago now did some things that hurt our family so much that we have not seen him since then (about 10 years ago now) a few of my family members have spoken to him, but for the most part we have not seen him in so many years, and now we feel like he isn't even part of the family any more. We know he is still around but we just don't associate with him because of all the things he did back then. Having to cast my brother out from our family may not seem like a nice thing to do but he got heavy in to drugs and stealing money (mostly from me) or tricking you into giving him the money for what he claimed he needed it for feeding his two little girls and his wife or needed gas money to get home, things like that only to find out later he went and bought drugs with the money. It took us a while to finally stop and basically tell him no more. We weren't going to believe his lies anymore and it was time for him to go, go get help or just to go away until he got his life in order. That was not an easy time, my oldest brother sent him to Florida to live with our cousins until he cleaned up his act. It cost him his family, his wife and kids, basically everything. Several years later he came back to our state trying to win the family back but we did not believe he had changed yet (which he had not really yet) but he convinced some family members that he was better and he moved in with two of my oldest brothers sons and their mother. I guess he got some kind of job I believe, but he was trying to win the rest of us back, but too much time had past and some of us still (even to this day) feel too bitter about the whole thing. Anyway, my point (sorry for the long story to get the point across) is that even though I was hurt the most by what he did to me (stole money from me three times) I decided one day that life is too short to go on hating my brother for what he did. So, although I will probably never trust him again he is still my brother and I still love him. Now, the situation with your brother may need some tough love as well, if you don't do something to make him change his ways and his girlfriends ways, then what are you teaching him but that he will never have to worry about anything cause you will always support him and his girlfriend, they won't have to work, they will have a nice place to live (free) and they will have a car to use anytime they want. You (as you mentioned) obviously work very hard for everything you have, Teach them to do the same! It won't be easy to tell him no more, but if you want to survive, you might have to.

Okay, enough of my ranting. I hope some of this helps.