Inner Chaos

Dec 02, 2007 - 14:29 PM PST

I very much believe that the soul can work against the person it belongs to. If that makes no sense I'm scarcely surprised. I don't like that what goes on inside my head can take over me completely. What words play the most in my head are the things that I don't have, for example, romance. I had it once, and the insecurities in my mind that wouldn't shut up destroyed it. I hate admitting defeat to anything, but it seems my own craziness inside is the one thing I can't win against. Why my own ego seeks to drive me insane is beyond me. There's a lot of things I can take, but that's not one of them. I took in numbness to try to regain some control over my emotions, but now I have no choice in my reactions--most days I react by feeling nothing. I didn't mean to choose to feel nothing, but it happened...and now I don't know how to shut it off again, or if I even want to. I ws sick awhile back, and I literally existed in what most people could call a void. Now that I'm out of that place and into a different, more destructive one, I now crave the familiarity that my illness provided in that black place where it was unnecessary to feel or care. Sometimes I wonder if I ever left it completely, and sometimes I want to fall back into it, even though I'm sure it would be the last time I ever saw the world the way I see it now.