It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia - Spec Intro

Jan 16, 2008 - 22:43 PM PST

9:45am
Tuesday

(Dee is seated at the bar with a cup of tea and a newspaper. Dennis opens the door, paper coffee cup in hand, and groggily staggers behind the bar. Dee continues reading.)

DENNIS
Well, you're up early.

DEE
What are you talking about? I always get up this early. You're the one who sleeps all the time.

DENNIS
(Laughing)That's a total load of crap. I don't sleep all the time.

DEE
(Looking up from the paper)You sleep more than anyone I know. No, that's not true.

DEE and DENNIS
Charlie sleeps more. Yep. And Mac. Him, too.

DEE
You're still a sloth.

DENNIS
Well, Dee, if some people around here would get more sleep, maybe they wouldn't be so ugly all the time, and they might get laid by hot chicks they met at a strip club, like I did last night.

DEE
I can't believe we shared a womb.

DENNIS
Cream rose to the top on that one.

DEE
It sure did.

(DENNIS turns around and adds some bailey's to his coffee, stretches and groans a little. CHARLIE comes bolting in from outside and shakes his coat out.)

CHARLIE
God damn it's early out there!

DENNIS
Tell me about it.

CHARLIE
You guys are never gonna believe who died.

DEE and DENNIS
Who was it? Alan Greenspan? Oprah? David Crosby? Lindsay Lohan?

CHARLIE
Nah, nobody that cool. It was Vicki Angelo, the old playbunny model from down south with the big red hair. I saw it on the news.

DEE
But Charlie, you don't watch the news.

CHARLIE
Well, I just was.

DENNIS
How is that even possible? You don't own a TV.

DEE
You're like a bum who pays rent.

CHARLIE
I like to think I live the humble life of a monk, but if you must know, it was on when I was standing in line at the Wa-Wa.

DEE and DENNIS
Ahhh, I see. That explains it. Monks don't huff spraypaint.

CHARLIE
I saw it in the words that shoot across the bottom of the screen when they're showing other stuff like hurricanes and shit. Man, they go so fast! It was almost like a video game, snatching them out of there with my eyes.

(Awkward silence. DEE and DENNIS subtly give each other a glance of confusion.)

DENNIS
So, Vicki Angelo, huh?

CHARLIE
Yep, she made my balls ache all through high school. She died this morning in a hospital in L.A..

DENNIS
So, what happened, did she overdose?

CHARLIE
Close, but no cigar. She killed herself.

DENNIS
Ahh. (Pause) Kinda saw that one coming.

DEE
You two have no compassion whatsoever.

CHARLIE
Yeah, kinda. The TV word game said she stopped taking her anti-depressants, and then she jumped off her roof or something. I don't know, I missed a lot of parts. The thing is, it made me realize how lucky all those celebrities are!

DEE
Coming from you, that makes total sense.

CHARLIE
No, seriously. Think about it: she had ANTI-depressants.

DEE and DENNIS
Yeah?!

CHARLIE
(In a whisper)Don't you get it? Those are happy pills, baby. If that sweet stuff was for sale on the open market, think of how badass our lives would be! We'd never mess up, or have bad days, or tear our furniture apart. Life would be perfect!

DEE
Charlie, anyone can get anti-depressants.

CHARLIE
Okay, I'm sure they just go around handing those things out like halloween candy; the man's just going to let that happen.

DENNIS
Yep, they sure do bud. Back when I was on UE, you could get them for free through the state, too.

CHARLIE
Come on, you're lying. You guys are messing with me. Seriously, are you messing with me?

DENNIS
We swear on our mother's grave, buddy.

CHARLIE
Yeah, but you both do that all the time when you're lying.

DEE
Well, it must be your lucky day, pal, because this time it's actually true.

CHARLIE
Really?

DENNIS and DEE
Yeah. Really.

CHARLIE
So, who's driving?