Journal entry #1Mar 09, 2008 - 01:02 AM PST I hate these nights. They seem to keep showing up every week, which is too often for my liking. And it has nothing to do with what day it is, the weather, or what ridiculous $19.95 mail order product is being sold on TV at the moment (call now!). It has to do with me. The fact that I'm spending another night in solitude; performing the quiet ritual of doing absolutely nothing, while envisioning all the places I'd rather be, or the people I'd rather be with. Why can't I sleep? 'Sleep comes so easily, I find myself waking up for days'...I wrote that once. Now it mocks me, it laughs at my feeble attempts to escape the emptiness. I came to a startling realization recently regarding my love life. It shouldn't have come as much of a surprise, but naturally it was a fact I wanted to reject. I counted the number of women I've been involved with in my lifetime, and the number worthy of the term 'relationship' came to 6. While that isn't a remarkable number, I then asked the ultimate question for each: Was I truly in love? Did we have that soul splitting connection that people dream about and long for? A love where nothing matters except "her", where nothing is more important than her happiness? I asked this of each...and all failed without so much as a second thought. All except for one. I knew there must be one...otherwise how could I understand how it is to love somebody with every fiber of my being. That kind of love can only be experienced, it can't be described to you or shown to you. She was taken from me 9 years ago, and I haven't known love since then. This makes me violently angry. It makes me want to thrown something, to scream as loud as I can. I've moved on and accepted that she's gone. I've fought mercilessly to avenge her death and have found absolution in my crusade. But while I will never replace her, I must replace the love I had for her. I MUST find my unconditional other, so that I can hang on their every word, be electrified by their touch, and soothed by the simple sound of their breath. It amazes me to think that in my 27 years on this earth, I have truly only loved a woman for 1 1/2 of them. But I refuse to compromise. I will keep searching for as long as it takes. I've become numb to loneliness for the most part anyways...except for nights like this. |
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