Let's hope I actually keep this up...

May 21, 2008 - 21:53 PM PST

I know everyone's first blog probably mentions how they're not used to this sort of thing and how they'll probably forget about it within a week but I think it's time for a change in my life, which I guess will start this random blog about who knows what...

Ya, change. We all need it some time. Ever since I can remember I've always LOVED starting things and never finishing them. It's a horrible habit, and I don't understand it. From the early days of Girl Scouts to the more recent days of scrap-booking, I start something with the ambition of finishing it and saying "This, this will be the one thing that changes me forever", yet it doesn't. I don't understand if it's something wrong with me or just something that I'm afraid of...Afraid of what exactly I'm not sure...I guess afraid of not having that feeling of happiness when I actually do accomplish what I've started? But shouldn't I get an even greater feeling of happiness at knowing I finished something? Is it that I'm going to miss what I felt during the time of whatever event I had started? Does this even make sense? Here I go, just ranting on and on, but I guess that's what these things are here for right? I don't know.

Moving on
I'm almost done with my first year of college, and you have no idea how frightened I am. I don't think anybody does; I felt this way with high school too. Even though I was super involved and almost always on the right track academically there was still that great fear in the back of my mind saying "You're going to fail. You're not going to finish this. Just forget it" I don't even know why, I mean...who treats themselves like that? Who thinks like that? I do obviously, I've felt like that forever, as I mentioned earlier, and the idea of actually finishing my first year at a University frightens me more than anything. I have a great fear of regret. I get scared that I didn't do things like I should have, but that's just life isn't it? You're not supposed to do everything perfectly, that doesn't make any sense. You have to "learn from your mistakes" that's just the way it goes, whether we like it or not, and trust me I don't like it. Like most people, I'm super insecure. About what? About everything. About the way I look, about the things I say, the people I choose to love, the places I stay, the things that I write, the way that I walk, the music I listen to, get it? Everything. It's a horrible way to be living my life and that's why it's time for some change like I said. Who wants to go around feeling all these things every moment of their everyday? I'm sure sick of it. So here's where I'm taking my stand, against my greatest enemy-myself. Wow, that's the first time I've realized that actually, isn't there a Lit song that says "I am my own worst enemy"? cuz that's definitely how I feel.

Well, now that I'm done psychoanalyzing myself...Let's talk about where I'm at in life right now, and how it's going to change.
Like I mentioned, I'm almost done with first year *WOOT*.

Things I'm anxious for:
Summer (loving?)
Being with family
Traveling to Wichita, KS for 2 weeks to see my dad
Hopefully travelling to Mexico to visit my relatives
Getting my first real job? (and not being a quitter?)
Finishing that good ol' scrap-book of mine
Recreational reading
Bumming it at the beach
Finishing all the seasons of Gilmore Girls

For now that's all I can think of, but I think it's a pretty good list so far, and lets just hope it gets done? :]

I'm going home tomorrow for a surprise 4 day visit to Anaheim. This will be the first time I actually go home that it's not Winter or Spring break, that I'm actually just taking time off and going home-should be nice.

I love being here at Santa Cruz and all but somehow...the niceness of it gets too fake for my liking? I don't know, I put a question mark because I'm not sure. I'm not used to so many people being so nice and actually feeling that there's some sincerity behind it. But unfortunately lately it's been beginning to feel a lot like high school drama, and what's funny about that is that I never really had high school drama, so what the fuck is the deal with having it back here? Just dumb.
Like this girl, I won't reveal her name or relation for reasons that I have to stay acquainted with her for the next 2 years...but she just seems to be one of those people that enjoys pushing my damn buttons, and today I had it. Usually, if I don't like you, I won't mess with you. I'll leave you alone as you do the same. I'll smile, be nice, and listen to what you have to say because that's how you would expect to be treated as well right? (although, we are all different) but anyways, today I was a complete and total bitch to her. I knew it as I was doing it and I even got some satisfaction out of it. It gave me pleasure in knowing that she FINALLY understood that I was only putting up with her for so long and am now letting my guard down. How it's going to go from here? I have no idea, but I know one thing- I'm not letting her have the satisfaction of annoying me any longer, I'm just going to give her smart mouth right back to her.

Wow, it feels so much better to let all this stuff out, and I don't even care if nobody ever reads this, I'm just glad I did it, and will continue doing it...

So, until next time that I have to unleash a great big deal in blog...