Like a crack addict on crack.....

Feb 06, 2008 - 21:26 PM PST

We all have addictions....Things that dont let us rest and make us go back to what we regret doing...Dont be mislead by the title of my blog...I have never used drugs in my life...But at the moment, this is how i feel, like an addict regreting what i know only will hurt me in the end....It is 11:09 pm....I should be tucked away in my bed, and letting my covers embrace my tired and worn out mind from a hectic day..But, as much as i wish i was resting, my mind cannot rest. My heart feels heavy, and my eyes feel like they are going to overflow with tears. Sometimes, i feel like i am living a life without a purpose. I exist, but my existance has no meaning because i dont feel like i am bein productive the way i should. I feel like the connection that once bound me with God, somewhere, out there in the heavenly bodies is no longer there. I have lost him, and i can't find him. My heart feels empty, and yet it feels so heavy that it is difficult to breath. How did i get to this point? How did i manage to pull myself so far away from the one who created me. I want to cry or punch a wall because of the hurt i feel in my soul. I can't find sleep anymore, it has left my bedside. Friends, well, to be frank i dont really feel like i have any at all. My dog is more of a friend to me than anyone at the moment. I fell alone. Like the walls in my room are going to cave in. I have so much regret, so much anguish that not even alcohol can erase it from my being. Nothing can . Why ? Well, i have discovered one thing about me...One thing that i am constantly fighting battling with myself for a very lonnnnng time. I have a problem with letting the past go. Letting it be in the past. That is my addiction. Going back and back and back, so back with in my thoughts, that i begin to feel the urge to WISH that things were the way the once were...IN MY PAST...I know that that past was a lie, a nieve existence i was living in..a wreck waiting to happen... I wish God would take away what i feel at the moment....I hate how people come and go...How some stay, and some stick around for a long time but will eventually leave you. From all the people in my life that i have met, one person, just one was all it took, to completely and permanently leave the scars that are in my heart that still ache after years since they were in my life. Because of the pain this person caused me, i stopped caring and did things that would eventually catch up with me. How is it that God can place people in your life, that will love you so much that they cannot live with out you and then from one day to the next, completely eradicate your existence from theirs and replace you with someone who is not at all able to fill in your shoes. That is why i feel like a crack addict on crack. Because i cannot let go of the past...I cannot just strip away that period of time in my life. As much as i want to, as much as i wish i could, i cant. I dont think i properly went through the process of purging it out of my system. I replaced the feeling with others, and now, 4 years later, i am confronting the feeling and it is harder than before. I feel, like my head is spinning...like there is no resolving it...I wish i could slap this person, hurt them just for an instance so they can feel what i am feeling... I dont know what to do. I dont know how to make it better. I need God, and i cannot find him. I wish, i wish so badly, to go back and make a better choice. How can someone feel so empty as i do...If only i could...if only i could erase their memory forever. Time...for me is an illusion....Time does not make the heart grow fonder, nor does it heal any wounds. Time exists only to make you believe that the experience, the feeling, the present will last forever, but it is only a mere moment, that is ungraspable, unreachable. Once you realize it was only a moment, it is gone and gone forever. Memories taunt you, they hurt and tease your soul. Because that is all a memory is. Something that no longer exists, because it was never mine to begin with.